11: Wrench Wench

A bizarre episode based on an acid trip movie.

Shakira looked out of her TARDIS’ viewing window at a multi-coloured, glittering spiral galaxy, amazed at what she was seeing. It was rumoured to be a place where the laws of physics and logic did not always apply, depending on which planet you landed on, and the stars and nebulae that it comprised of were in every colour imaginable, which gave some weight to the rumours, as this was unheard of anywhere else. She had finished work for the week, and was going to pay a short visit to a city named Atlantis on one of the worlds here, because some of her family were thinking of going there for their next holiday. After taking a picture of the view from above the galaxy, she shut off the viewing window and began to fly her TARDIS to its exact destination. “OW!” she yelled, hitting the wall of the console room, “why is it so rough this time?” Great, I have finally landed. She glanced at the screen displaying the co-ordinates. Why have they changed? I am not even in the right arm of the galaxy.

Shakira slowly opened the doors, her eyes darting around to check for any danger, then stepped outside. Her TARDIS had mistakenly landed in the backyard of a two-storey house in the country, with a building next to it that a sign declared to be “Dr. Rob’s Pet Clinic”. There were green, rolling hills surrounding the house, and everything was under a cloudless blue sky. I don’t know where I am, but this is beautiful, I wonder if this is also a- what? The air around her sparkled for a second, and then everything, including her TARDIS, seemed to be *bigger*, much bigger. Confused, she walked over to a puddle to see her reflection…which felt strange…more like hopping than walking.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHH FUCKSOCKS! I’M A FUCKING SPANNER!” she screamed.  She had been transformed into a spanner, but still had her eyes, mouth and earrings, and weird cartoon-ish stick arms. “WHY AM I A SPANNER? I AM A LITERAL WRENCH WENCH!” While she was trying to figure out how and why this happened, someone had noticed her and was now standing behind her.

“Hi there!” they said. “What happened?” Shakira turned around, as she wanted to know who this was, and whether they were a boy or girl, because they sounded really androgynous.

Salaam aleikum. I am Shakira Seddiqi, and I have no idea why I have been turned into a spanner. I am from Thera, we are ageless versions of humans created when someone tried to clone Earth’s solar system, obviously it wasn’t perfect as we have several differences. Are there humanoids around here? And are you also a transformed humanoid?” She was speaking to a sentient toaster. It had a face.

“You mean The Master, and Mistress and Little Master? Yeah there are humans here, but I’ve always been a toaster.”

That is a strange way of referring to people, she thought. “Where do you live? Maybe your Master will know why landing on this world changed me.”

“I live in this house!” she/he said, gesturing (how?) to the house behind them. “You landed in the backyard! The Master isn’t home yet, but do you wanna come inside?”

“Okay…but as you know my name, what is your name?”

“It’s just Toaster”, she/he said. People consider that a name?  They entered the house through the dog door, then Toaster announced: “Everyone! This is Shakira; she’s an alien from a planet a lot like Earth but got turned into a spanner!” A vacuum cleaner with a face rolled over, and stopped just three inches short of running her over. “You’re not planning an invasion are you?” he asked.

“No of course not!” Shakira answered. “I was intending to land on another planet but for some reason came here!”

“Cool!” a voice from the kitchen yelled. “There’s an old closet in the backyard!”

Shakira hopped, which was getting easier, into the kitchen, a place that seemed friendlier than wherever the vacuum came from. “That’s my TARDIS! It stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, and I can travel anywhere in time and space with it! It is also bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!” She somehow managed to climb up onto the kitchen table, and found that the voice came from some water-spraying extension of a sink. They talk too?

“That is AWESOME!” the little hose-thing continued.

“What’s with all this racket?” The drawer opened to reveal a sentient hearing aid. He pointed at Shakira. “You- who are you?”

“She’s an alien!” Toaster stated.

“And she can travel through time and space!” the little hose-thing added.

Shakira laughed. “My name is Shakira and I am usually not a spanner, actually when I am in my real form I have to wear hearing aids, but they look different to you. Is your Master deaf too?”

“No, that guy belonged to the last owner of this house. He’s been here longer than I have!”, a voice from behind said. That voice…it is very familiar! , Shakira thought, and turned around. The familiar voice belonged to a sentient leaky tap, who liked to wear a tea-towel so it looked like hair.

“So your name is Shakira…I’m Faucet and this is my son Squirt”, she said of the hose-thing.

“And you’re all disturbing my afternoon nap with this intruder!” the hearing aid grumbled.

“Aww, leave her alone…she’s cute”, said Faucet. Could it be another version of her? She sounds so much like… Shakira’s thinking was interrupted by Faucet. “And you know I’m broken and could use the help of a spanner.” What?

“I could help if you want, but I don’t know if I can do it on my own, spanners were made to be used by people’s hands” she said.

“Hey! Maybe I can hold onto you!” Squirt offered. He was attached to the sink by an extendable cord, which he then wrapped around Shakira so she could fix his mother without falling. They gave her instructions, based on what was done the last time Faucet needed repairs for the exact same problem, and when she was finished Squirt dropped her back on the kitchen table.

“How are you now, mom?” he asked.

“I feel so much better! Thankyou Shakira, The Master didn’t have time to fix me because they’ve got a new baby.”

Shakira smiled. “Thankyou, I-“ The air around her glittered again, and then she found herself to be at normal size, in her true form again. The appliances saw a tall, athletic-ish woman with an oval-shaped, brown-skinned face, long black tightly curled hair and the dark eyes and nose typical of someone from South or Central Asia, and obviously not a spanner. Fortunately, she won back her clothes upon her transformation, which was her favourite outfit- a bright purple and aqua-green salwar kameez with a matching dupatta. “Hey! I am back to normal!”

“Wow! Fixing Faucet changed you back!” Toaster said.

“Actually, now I am thinking the same thing”, Shakira told them. “Faucet must be another version of Farrah, one of my close friends. I am also her doctor, and it seems to be a law of the universe that I must be the doctor of every non-psychotic version of her too. That was probably why my TARDIS landed here and why I got changed into a spanner – my TARDIS knew that one of you needed my help.”

“Really? There are other versions of me?” Faucet asked.

“Yes there are, and they are my angels and they are lovely…I love all of my angels”, Shakira said, and kissed Faucet.

“Hey! While you’re jib-jabbing, I can hear The Mistress pulling in!” the vacuum cleaner warned.

“I guess I should get going home then”, Shakira said. “Bye Faucet, and Toaster and Squirt, maybe sometime I will come back!” She climbed out of the window to avoid The Mistress’s likely accusations of breaking and entering, and ran back to her TARDIS so she could go home.

It had been an *interesting* day.