19: Invasion

“How many views does it have now?” Kate asked, as she and Farrah were on her roof. Lawrence was there too, looking through his telescope at the stars.
“My channel has thousands of views from outer space 4 years from now, but only a few dozen from here and now on Earth”, Farrah answered. Earlier that week, Ursula had shown her how to transmit her videos through time and space, from her galaxy’s internet in 2013 to Earth’s internet in 2009. That way, no one could delete her uploads or suspend her account again. Most comments were in support of her, but one was a flat “INFORMATION_RECEIVED” from an unverified date and by a strange group of metal men…

Meanwhile, the metal men just mentioned were floating on a massive ship through space, having originated from the planet Mondas.
“INFORMATION DOWNLOADED HAS CONFIRMED MATURITY OF CHEMICAL WEAPON KNOWN ON EARTH AS CHEMOTHERAPY, PURPOSE: TO IMPROVE COMPLIANCY RATE OF UPGRADES…TO DELETE INFERIOR AND NON-COMPLIANT LIFEFORMS…” one said, in its robotic voice. Years earlier, in the 1940s, the metal men known as Cybermen had planted a shipment of mustard gas where the German army would find it, and then planted the idea of creating a dangerous ‘medicine’ from it into the mind of a Nazi scientist. Thus chemo was invented, less than 10% effective at saving lives but incredibly dangerous and exactly what the Cybermen wanted to fulfill their plans.
Another added: “OTHER INFORMATION SUGGESTS FEMALE IS AN IMMORTAL BEING KNOWN AS AN ANGEL”, taking the name given to Farrah for her beauty and sweetness way too seriously. “COMMENCE PREPARATION FOR THE OBTAINING OF THE NOW MATURED CHEMICAL WEAPON AND THE UPGRADING OF THIS WORLD KNOWN AS PLANET EARTH!” it said, completely emotionless. The first one then left, to prepare the weapons and get all the other Cybermen into combat mode. A Cybermen never invaded a planet alone, no, there were thousands of them travelling aboard the ship that was approaching Earth.

“Hey Farrah, what do you know about spaceships? I can see one, and it’s coming closer, I think”, Lawrence asked while peering through his telescope.
“Really?” she replied, and got up to check out this apparent UFO. A few seconds after she found the ship, she jumped back. “Shakira told me about those! That’s a Cybership and they’re always full of Cybermen!”
“Uhh…what’s a Cyberman?”
“They’re basically robots with human nervous systems who want everyone else either killed or converted into one of them”, Farrah explained. She sent a message out to Shakira, Strawberry and Ursula on her now modified phone. Shakira was spending some time with about two dozen relatives, and Strawberry was delivering a baby, so only Ursula was available and able to hear her phone going off. A few minutes later, something that appeared to be a blue Chevrolet but was actually a ship capable of travelling through time and space landed safely on the roof, then Ursula stepped out of it. “Hello there Farrah, I got your message…how far away are they?”
Lawrence looked through his telescope once more. “They’re closer but not by much. How are you gonna fight these things anyway?”
“I have various Sontaran weapons. My father fought the Cybermen so I know all about them.” She opened the back door of her car. “To destroy the whole ship, we must plant this bomb somewhere inside it, but because it detonates quickly I will keep the trigger. My car has a built-in cannon-“ Kate was shocked by this – “What? I am half Sontaran! And I have a pair of rheon carbines, they are guns which can easily kill any Cyberman.”
Farrah stepped forward. “I guess I’d better get going then.”
“And try not to get killed!” Kate yelled from behind her.
“Good luck!” Lawrence added.
“Thanks…Kate I’m sure I’ll get out alive”, Farrah said, and got into Ursula’s ‘car’. They passed the clouds, then the stratosphere and the outer reaches of Earth’s atmosphere, and eventually reached the cybership, enormous and comparable to two wheels skewered onto half of a bicycle handlebar, but fortunately it was still only a quarter of the way between the Moon and Earth. Ursula slipped them behind the ship, turned to Farrah and said, “I was going to shoot a hole in the ship, but these idiots have automatic doors. They’ll let anything in.”
“Don’t you think that’s a trap? Like maybe there’s gonna be hundreds of them waiting for us?” Farrah asked.
“Then you just throw the bomb out of the car!” Ursula flew the car up close to the automatic doors, which let them in just as expected.
“See? I told you”, she said, and as they landed the car, neither of them found any Cybermen. “You press that button”, she continued, pointing to something on the rheon carbine, which looked like a silver magic wand with a blinking yellow light on the end that it fired from. Taking the bomb and locking the doors, she noticed how absolutely everything on the cybership was silver. No indoor plants to give it a more home-ish feel, or any décor of any kind, just functional silver machinery in a ship more sterile than an operating theatre.
“Hey do you think that’s a good place to plant it?” Farrah asked, putting a stop to Ursula’s observations as she pointed to a metal closet up against a wall.
“Ja I think so too, if it’s locked then the bomb will fit nicely in the corner next to it.” After Farrah nearly going blind, all because of the chemo she had in the past destroying her immune system, Ursula was surprised she could pick out distant objects when everything was not just silver, but the exact same bloody shade of it. Unfortunately, they couldn’t walk three steps without being noticed. “ALL INTRUDERS WILL BE UPGRADED OR DELETED”, threatened one of the three Cybermen, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
“Oh really…and what is this upgrade you guys like to threaten people with?” replied Farrah, as she made it obvious that she was armed. Just fucking shoot them!! Ursula thought, and hissed: “They remove your body parts and replace them with machinery WITH YOU WATCHING!”
“So my options are either something agonisingly painful or death? That doesn’t scare me, since I’ve already been there!” she yelled, firing the rheon carbine several times. She managed to kill all three of the Cybermen, who fell to the ground dead and making horrible metallic half-choking and half-screaming sounds as they did so. “Okay I’m done, let’s plant this bomb and get out of here”, she continued.
“Good…Sontarans do not tease their enemies; we just storm in and attack.” They ran to the closet in the distance, and when Farrah opened the closet they were intending to hide the bomb in, a shell of a Cyberman fell out and produced a loud crash that reverberated throughout the massive chamber they had landed in.
“Great, that’s really gonna buy us some time!” Farrah said as Ursula hid the bomb in the now empty closet. She closed the doors, then they both raced back to the car. More Cybermen were approaching as they began to fly out of the ship, but they weren’t shot down because, as a Sontaran, Ursula had her car reinforced against weaponry. They slipped out as the poorly-thought out doors opened again for them and Ursula pressed the trigger. “One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten!” she counted while flying at top speed, and just on time the cybership exploded, wiping out all Cybermen. Sure, Ursula could have just teleported them home, but she did want to see the ship get blown up. She then looked over at Farrah, who had just fallen asleep after making her so proud once again, and soon landed to find Lawrence and Kate watching the cybership explosion.

18: Jailbreak

“Hey Shakira, its Ursula’s birthday tomorrow so we’re all going out, you wanna come?” Farrah asked. She was sitting on Shakira’s balcony with her and Saghira, drinking tea and watching the city below.
“Of course I do”, Shakira said, now wondering what to get her. “How is she?”
“Great but she’s been missing Dr Vogl a lot lately…I miss him too.”
“Where is he? Can’t she fly to Earth’s Germany and pick him up?” Saghira asked, a little jealous that Farrah had not only started her job as an art teacher, but was loving it, while she had to wait another two and a half months to even begin studying.
“He’s in jail.”
“He is what?” Saghira’s eyes, as dark and beautiful as Shakira’s, widened.
“Dr Vogl got really drunk one night, broke into a zoo and bred animals of different species”, Farrah sighed. She thought he knew better than to run around doing drunk science.
“So…he is crazy?” Saghira had no idea of what to make of this man.
“I guess he can be, but he’s really sweet once you get to know him. One time it was my birthday, but I was staying in the clinic, so both him and Ursula got a cake for me.”
“Awwww!” Saghira smiled. “But Shakira, didn’t you essentially get Farrah out of a similar situation?”
Shakira smiled. “Yes I did! So you are thinking the same thing as me?”
Saghira replied with a faux-smug “But this time I beat you”, and stuck her tongue out.
“So you’re gonna break him out of jail?” Farrah asked them. Shakira got up to find her laptop.
“You were broken out of that hospital”, Saghira stated.
“I’m sure the jail he’s in has more security guards”, Farrah said flatly. Shakira returned with her laptop and turned it on. “How do you spell the name of the jail that Tom is in?” she asked.
“Like this….” Farrah typed in the name of his jail. “And how exactly do you plan on getting him out?”
“We are going to pilot the TARDIS directly into his jail cell, it will be easy. No security guards, no hitmen, no guns, nothing! And I know what I am getting Ursula for her birthday!” Shakira explained. “And now…”, she said after a while, for she was hacking into that very jail’s computer system, and then, after a few more minutes, she finished her sentence with, “I have……found it! He is in Block D!”
“Can I see where it is?” Saghira asked, leaning over as Shakira turned her computer towards her. “It doesn’t seem that hard if you are used to landing your TARDIS inside buildings.”
“I have landed mine in rooms without windows, so it will be easy for me. Farrah do you want to come with us?”
“Sure! If we’re not gonna be in there long I won’t get too tired.”
“Of course we won’t, who would want to be in a jail for any more than a few minutes anyway?” said Saghira, as she got up and found a mirror to straighten her hijab. The three then entered Shakira’s TARDIS, which was sitting in the corner of her living room.
“Okay….” Shakira said to herself. “Farrah’s timeline, so 2009, May…aghjshaf…Germany, Bavaria-“ she added something else incoherently, then pulled the lever so her TARDIS would take off. When her flying, spinning machine was over the prison, she took the wheel in order to guide it into Thomas’ jail cell. “And one last…there!” she announced, as the TARDIS landed exactly where she had intended it to. “I can see him!” Farrah exclaimed, once she could see out of the viewing window. Before Shakira or Saghira turned around, Farrah unlocked the door and ran straight out. “Doctor Vogl!” she yelled, startling the grandfatherly-looking man. As Shakira’s TARDIS landed silently, he just continued reading his newspaper instead of being aware of what was going on.
“Farrah? Is this even real….what is that closet thing you came out of and why is it bigger on the inside?”
“Yeah it’s as real as anything can get…I missed you and so does Ursula!” Farrah wrapped her arms around him, and he hugged her back. Shakira and Saghira appeared at the door.
“These are my friends…Shakira is one of my doctors too and Saghira is her sister”, she said, pointing first to the woman in the orange salwar kameez, and then to the woman in the black abaya with white and gold flowers embroidered onto it.
“Salaam aleikum”, they said at the same time. Saghira added, “This is a TARDIS, it stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, it is a machine that allows you to travel anywhere in time and space, and yes they are always bigger on the inside.”
“Amazing!…so you are aliens like Ursula?” Thomas asked.
“Yes, Thera is a lot like Earth, just as Ursula’s homeworld is”, Shakira explained. “We are wondering if you would like to visit her?”
“That would be marvellous!” he declared. “And I don’t even need to pack, as I have nothing here.”
“What is going on in there? Why are there women’s voices?” demanded a security guard, as other prisoners began to take notice and believe their eyes, prompting a fast return into the TARDIS. Shakira rapidly entered the co-ordinates to Ursula’s house, and pulled the lever on the console yet again. Soon enough, they landed in front of the duplex that the half-Sontaran woman lived in, as the sun was setting.
“This is her house? It might as well be in 1950s Earth”, he noted, finally seeing for himself what Ursula had been talking about for years. Shakira and Saghira knocked on her door at the same time, until she opened it.
“Hello girls…Tom? It is really you?” she gasped.
“Yes it is me, I am free now!” he announced.
Ursula ran to him. “Oh Tom! I was so worried about you! And please be more responsible in the future!” she ordered, while they were in each other’s arms.
“I will, my dear…I suppose I am staying here for a while yes?”
“It will be the safest thing, Farrah is with me now too.”
“I’ll explain everything that’s happened over the last month”, Farrah said.
“They said you were getting worse!” Thomas finally stated, unsure of the reality.
“They lied…things are getting really weird back home.”
“I guess we should go now”, said Saghira, with Shakira agreeing.
“I will see you tomorrow!” Shakira then said to the three, as both she and Saghira slipped back into the TARDIS to go home. It was clear that Ursula and Thomas were family, in their own way.

17: Baby Mamas

Strawberry sat in front of her mirror, and proceeded to perform what would seem to many to be an amazing show of flexibility. She was brushing her hair, with her feet, because that’s what you do when you have no arms. As she was finishing this, the peaceful atmosphere of her bedroom was broken by her phone ringing, so she put her brush down and got up to answer it.
“STRAWBERRY GINGER FIELDS!” an angry, distant male voice yelled. Oh no…it can’t be him!, Strawberry thought.
“W-What is it?” she asked.
“YOUR FUCKING PATIENT GOT ME PREGNANT!” he screamed. It was Frank N Furter!
“Well that’s for us to deal with, I know my way around the law”, she answered confidently, knowing exactly who he was talking about.
“That law doesn’t mean shit! It got changed!” Frank announced.
“Yeah fucking right it did you asshole!” she yelled back.
“IT DID BITCH! Do you think I’d be calling otherwise?” Strawberry then remembered that Frank never got into fights he couldn’t win, because he was too proud to do so. She slammed the phone down, said to herself, “Ohhhhh shit!”, and began to dial Ursula’s number so she could hopefully get on to Farrah.

Farrah was in her new bedroom, playing with Alice and planning her first lessons for her new job as an art teacher, which started the next week and was for three days a week, when the phone rang. She assumed it was for Ursula, so thought nothing of it until she heard footsteps approaching her room. “Farrah, Strawberry just called”, Ursula told her as she sat down on Farrah’s bed. “This is serious…she says Frank N Furter told her you got him pregnant…and the law was changed so you have no legal protection.”
“Ididwhat?” Farrah asked, her blue eyes almost jumping out of her head.
“Remember that day when you said you *met* him?”
“Yeah I remember everything, I just can’t believe that’s even possible!” She buried her head in her pillow and mumbled, “He’s going to ruin my life! Strawberry told me all about him!” as Ursula gently stroked her back, because she honestly had no idea of what to say. Alice just meowed.

Shakira hung up her phone, thus ending her conversation with Strawberry. Unlike everyone else, she knew exactly what to do to help Farrah out of her impending bondage to Frank N Furter. She entered a series of co-ordinates into her TARDIS console, and flew it on a smooth path to her intended destination. Her TARDIS landed perfectly into its’ place: a hallway in an apartment block, then she locked it, placed the key around her neck and knocked on apartment number 15. “Mary-Ann!” she yelled, then knocked again. “Mary-Ann!” she yelled again, then knocked again. The door was opened by an adorable blonde woman in boots and a mini-skirt.
“Hey doc, what is it?” Mary-Ann Pringle asked.
“Salaam aleikum, do you remember how I told you I have other patients who look just like you because they are different versions of you? One of them got Myron’s cousin pregnant, and needs a copy of the law you used to protect yourself in writing.”
Mary-Ann’s eyes widened. A few years ago, a transsexual named Myron, sometimes known as Myra, derailed Mary’s plans of becoming a wife and mother by raping her boyfriend and having sex with her, which resulted in Myron/Myra becoming pregnant. She then had to use an interplanetary law in order to avoid being bound to M/M as a source of child support, and by ‘child support’, they meant ‘all her money’. Since then, she decided to become a teacher, preferably for a drama or art class. “Come right inside, I’ve still got it in my drawer”, she said, and Shakira followed her into her bedroom. “It should be…here it is!” Mary-Ann announced as she pulled out a laminated piece of paper with two sentences highlighted in yellow.
“Good. Now we need to photocopy it and give it to Farrah; she was told that the law changed to remove protection from alien baby-mammas or fathers or whatever but she needs to know that it was changed again to permanently restore the protection”, Shakira said. She and Mary-Ann went back to her TARDIS and straight to a room next to her office where she kept the photocopier.
“So where are we going?” Mary-Ann asked as Shakira copied the lifesaving law.
“A planet named Kos III, it is like 1950s Earth with access to time and space travel, except more equal in some ways and that gender roles are reversed because women can get men pregnant. But they all look and feel the same as humans.”
“So…it’s kinda like what Myron wants to do to the world?”
“I suppose so”, she answered while they walked back to the console room. Shakira entered the co-ordinates for Ursula’s house and began to fly it once more. Mary-Ann stared out the window, because obviously she didn’t fly in TARDISes that often. She turned around when everything stopped moving and her view became a nice-looking duplex house in the suburbs.
“We are here”, Shakira announced. The two knocked on Ursula’s door, which was then opened.
“Salaam aleikum Ursula, Strawberry called me and so I have something that can help Farrah get out of trouble”, she said, with Mary-Ann holding the two copies of the Baby Daddy and Mama Protection Act (Transylvanian laws often had stupid names).
“That is great! Come inside!” Ursula replied, relieved that no one was getting killed today.
“Shakira!” Farrah called out, and then came over to her.
“Salaam aleikum my darling, Strawberry told me everything….This is Mary-Ann Pringle.” She introduced the two, and Farrah thought, Wow there are so many of me! I remember playing this woman, I wonder how things turned out for her.
“Hey there, Shakira said you needed some help”, said Mary-Ann.
“Yeah, apparently I got a guy pregnant…I never thought I’d say that.”
“Well don’t you worry, cuz if you carry around a copy of this law”, she offered Farrah a copy of the BDaMPA, “he can’t make you do anything for him that you don’t want to.”
“Thanks!” Farrah hugged Mary-Ann. “Did you get a man from Transsexual pregnant too?”
She nodded. “His name was Myron, but for a while he was a woman named Myra.”
“Huh, my guy’s name is Frank N Furter and he dresses like a woman!”
“They’re actually cousins! But Myron’s worse, he wants to go back to being a woman and enslave men; Frank just wants to have sex with anything that moves.”
Shakira and Ursula smiled at each other over how well the two were getting along. “I have to go and give another copy of that to Strawberry, so Mary-Ann can I borrow yours?” Shakira asked. “I will see you later, Ursula”, she continued.
“Sure!” She gave her copy of the law to Shakira. “But can I stay with Farrah for a while?”
“Yeah, can she?” Farrah asked.
Shakira laughed. “Of course you can!” she answered, and left the two new friends to get to know each other.

16: Risk

“So what are you gonna do now?” asked one of Farrah’s best friends, Kate Jackson, as they were driving through the forest. Farrah stopped sticking her hand out of the car window and turned to her to answer: “I’ve decided to live with Ursula, but I still see Shakira and Strawberry all the time. I don’t know…I would *like* to start acting there but I’m thinking of being an art teacher.”
Kate smiled. “As long as you keep visiting me here.”
“Of course I will! But if I get an acting career going on her world I don’t want to deal with paparazzi again.”
“Just wear a wig when you’re acting so you can have your privacy!” she half-joked. “What’s it like there anyway?”
“Like Earth in the ‘50s but the gender roles are reversed. Strawberry said it’s because the women get the men pregnant there”, Farrah replied, while seriously considering her friend’s suggestion.
“So like the world you grew up in but better?”
“Yeah!” she laughed. The only other problem is that they don’t age, just like on Shakira’s planet…but my doctors know how to stop aging anyway, she thought, and looked down at her arm. The fractures were fully healed but she still had to be careful with it, as the scaffold hadn’t completely broken down yet.
“Hey, an abandoned house!” Kate said, and stopped to look at it. It was an old mansion in the middle of the forest, which seemed to be only recently abandoned.
“Maybe it’s haunted!” Farrah giggled. “You wanna look inside?” The door was open, so there was nothing stopping them.
“Sure! We don’t have anything else planned so I don’t see why not!” Kate answered. They walked through the front yard to the door, past the fence with the “ABANDONED” sign nailed to it and the unkempt-but-not-overly-so garden. If they got into any trouble, Farrah could always call Shakira, or Strawberry or Ursula, who are more likely to arrive *early* to save them than late. The inside of the house looked both Victorian and sterile at the same time, as if it belonged to a scientist who preferred to work from home. There was also a lift.
“Do you trust that thing?” Kate asked and pointed to the aforementioned lift.
“No, it’s probably broken”, Farrah said, and looked behind it to the stairs.
“What do you think happened?”
“I dunno, maybe the owner died and their family sometimes comes back to clean up the house, like it keeps their memories alive or something”, she replied, and shuddered at the thought of what would have happened to her if Shakira hadn’t visited her that night. She remembered how Saghira had to carry her for the vast majority of their walk around Roswell (seven children had given the woman some very strong back muscles), and how she still could only function like a normal person for one or two hours a day. After all, it had only been a month since Shakira had taken her under her care, thus reuniting them.
Previously lost in her thoughts, Farrah found herself at the foot of the stairs. She tested the first one, to find that it was strong enough to support her. “Hey, let’s see what’s upstairs!”
Kate emerged from the living room, which contained a mix of 19th century and 1970’s furniture. “Okay…but are you sure it’s safe?” she answered, and stayed behind Farrah, as she was still unsure about the stair’s structural integrity and wanted her more adventurous friend to test each step for her. “Life is sweetened by risk”, the little blonde often said.
“Of course it is….’fraidy cat….” Farrah teased, then added, “See? We’re alive!” once they had reached the second floor, and then disappeared into the master bedroom. Kate followed her, and they found a huge, 60’s space-age-ish style room, with a circular bed surrounded by curtains and a large, also circular skylight in the centre of the ceiling. Several vases filled with red flowers decorated the room, and the bed copied them in its’ red and pink hues.
“Someone must have been very romantic”, Kate said as she scanned the room.
Farrah picked something up off of a chest of drawers. “Oh…you don’t say!” she replied as she realised that she was holding a sex toy, which she threw across the room, accidentally smashing one of the vases. “I don’t wanna know what that thing’s used for.”
Kate opened the walk-in wardrobe’s doors and stepped inside. “Hey! These are gorgeous!” she told Farrah, as she had found an array of beautiful dresses, ranging from 1930’s style all the way to the ‘80s, with 70’s porn star-style male clothing in a box on the floor, which she ignored. She grabbed several of these dresses to try on.
“How do I look?” she asked Farrah, once she slipped on a ‘40s evening dress.
“Wow! You are gorgeous! What do you think of these?” Farrah asked from behind her, pointing to the red ‘30s style shoes she had taken.
“They’re beautiful!…I wonder if it’s alright for us to keep these…” Kate thought out loud.
“Yeah, the house is abandoned, so the owners are either too dead or too far away to care.”
“Let’s keep them!” Kate decided, and folded up her new dress after she put her clothes back on. Farrah put her old shoes on again, as heels were a bit impractical while walking on stairs of questionable integrity, and together they replaced the other clothes and closed the wardrobe doors.
“You wanna get out of here?” Kate asked as they picked up their new dress/shoes off of the bed.
“Yeah, I’m starting to get tired and I just get the feeling that maybe we’re not supposed to be here.”
“So do I…but I’m sure whoever visits this place to clean it won’t notice what we took.”
“Except for the vase I broke!” Farrah was getting a little nervous.
“I think it’s a good idea to leave now too…come on”, Kate agreed, and put her arm around Farrah as they left the room and descended down the stairs. They ran back to the car and drove off, not knowing that their intuition had just saved them. The house was not abandoned, no, that was a lie…the house was actually occupied by Frank N Furter! He saw Farrah and Kate in the distance as he arrived at his mansion, so he knew who the culprits were when he discovered the broken vase.
“Uh whattaya gonna do boss?” Rocky asked him.
Frank N Furter looked at his slave, and declared: “Force her to pay up…after all, breaking MY vase with one of my personal items is NOT the only thing she’s in trouble for!”

14: Emergency

Shakira sat on the balcony of her penthouse apartment, sipping peppermint tea and watching the sun setting over the mountains. She loved her home, but was grateful that she and her sister could use one of their TARDISes to get to any beach on Thera in several seconds, as she also loved the ocean but lived too far inland to drive there.
Suddenly, her phone rang, and identified the caller as ‘Farrah’. “Salaam aleikum…what? Lawrence? What do you mean Farrah is hurt? I will be there right away!” Finishing her tea as fast as possible, Shakira hurried to her TARDIS as her heart raced, despite time being of no relevance. She connected her phone to the TARDIS console to provide the co-ordinates of her last caller, and proceeded to fly her TARDIS back four years into a faraway galaxy. It was unusual for her to ignore the beauty of the time vortex (which was only beautiful from the safety of her TARDIS, behind the viewing window), but these were unusual circumstances. Once she landed, she habitually threw her dupatta around her head; even though she was never the hijabi her sister always was, she felt awkward without her hair covered and so only worked as a professional belly dancer in women-only clubs and suchlike and only went swimming in private areas unless she borrowed her sister’s swimsuits. She opened the doors, this time leaving her TARDIS on so Farrah didn’t have to translate for her, and encountered a familiar blonde. “Alana? What the fuck, I was told you were behind Farrah’s legal rights being taken!”
“No! That was a lie they spread to hurt her!”
“Where is Ryan? I suppose he is innocent too?” I still don’t like him, Shakira thought.
“They were telling the truth about him. He’s easily bribed.”
“Is he too much of an attention seeker to give up his post as tragic carer and victim of one of his movies turning into a reality?”
“Yeah that’s about it.”
Shakira rolled her eyes, locked her TARDIS and rushed over to her friend, who was being cradled by Lawrence.
“What happened?” she asked, stroking Farrah’s hair.
“I just tripped over, and I landed on my arm and it broke” she said through tears.
“I’m sure it’s from the chemo…it’s my fault, all of this is” Lawrence said.
“No it’s not!” Alana told him, “you had no choice, it’s all you were taught at college and it’s all you’re allowed to do because of big business’s power.”
His angst session was interrupted by a car stopping just outside Farrah’s house, and two time/space ships that appeared to be 1950’s cars landing on the roof. “Hey! I got your call! Is she alright?” Dex asked from outside, while Strawberry and Ursula stood at the door to the roof asking something similar. Alana let them in, and Lawrence said to all of them, “Wow, I didn’t expect you all to be available; I was just calling everyone because I know you’re all busy and I hoped one of you could come over.”
“We can time travel you know! I didn’t come here straight away”, answered Strawberry.
“I got your message several hours ago when I was still at work” Ursula added.
“Okay…..I’m confused.”
“Aw, get used to it!” Strawberry said. “What are we gonna do? I don’t have any of my stuff and neither does Ursula.”
“I have all my medical things in my TARDIS, I can inject stem cells into the fracture and have it healed in two or three days, but I don’t have an operating theatre in there so she does need to go to the hospital.”
“Isn’t that a little dangerous for us?” Alana asked, remembering what happened last time.
“I can fight, I am half Sontaran, remember?” Ursula announced.
“What’s a Sontaran?” Alana had never heard of one before.
“Sontarans are a proud warrior race, my father used to fight for them.” They all entered Shakira’s TARDIS, and she quickly flew her ship to the hospital and landed it in the same patch of grass that she parked it when she first saved Farrah. “I don’t think I can walk that far”, the blonde said. Shakira answered this by leaving the room and coming back with a stretcher and a box of cotton buds, saying “You can lie on this if you want, and I need a DNA sample so I can get stem cells from my architectural reconfiguration system.” She disappeared again, after Farrah had swabbed the inside of her cheek with one of the buds, into the depths of her TARDIS to the architectural reconfiguration system’s room.
Hello Shakira, the ARS said in an ethereal voice. It was a tree-like machine with glowing orbs and tentacles hanging off of its branches, with the orbs emitting a blue light.
“Salaam aleikum, I need mesenchymal stem cells with this DNA”, she answered, handing the swab over to the ARS, which took it in its’ tentacle-like ‘arms’ and then engulfed it into one of its orbs.
Is it the DNA of the blonde human?
“Yes it is.”
And you will be requiring a sterile container for these?
“Yes thankyou.” The ARS soon finished its’ work, and then gave Shakira a small jar containing millions of stem cells sitting in a jelly-like solution to sustain them. Shakira thanked the ARS, then left to quickly grab a laser scalpel, instant healer, set of degradable scaffold, cannabis oil of the indica strain, other medical supplies and her pink gun for protection, along with a bag to keep it all in. Sure, carrying a pink gun while wearing a pink salwar kameez made her look like a 70’s Afghan Barbie, but she honestly didn’t care. “Here I am!” she announced once she returned to the console room. “Farrah you should have some of this, it will keep the pain away”, she said, handing her the oil, which Farrah took a higher than usual dose of. It wasn’t psychoactive, at least not to her because she was already tolerant to it, but it would stop the pain and make her fall asleep.
“Do we have to take the fire stairs again?” Alana asked as Shakira locked her TARDIS.
“To get in? Yes, but I have a better idea”, Lawrence answered.
“And what would that be?” Shakira questioned him. She and Dex were no longer attracted to each other, but she was beginning to find Lawrence surprisingly sexy.
“The service elevator!” he said, smiling.
No travelling up stairs was required as they quickly took the fire corridor and service elevator to an empty operating theatre.
“You know this place inside out….I should have known all this stuff!” said Dex.
“You should have spent more time with your glasses on”, the blue-eyed doctor retorted. “Hey Strawberry, I thought you guys were betting on whether or not he’s just as attractive to the ladies with his glasses on?”
“Umm…..no, we didn’t do that.”
“Aww! I wanted to see him lose money!”
She paused. “Why?”
“Because it’s funny!”
“Hey! That’s….no wait you’re right”, Strawberry said, then laughed. They all got to the operating theatre in one piece, then Shakira sprayed them with antiseptics, put on her scrubs and sprayed herself and all her stuff. She gave Farrah a block anaesthetic because she was already sleeping and she wanted to use as little drugs as possible. “That is terrible!” she exclaimed as she could finally see how bad the break in her friend’s arm really was. Dex was assisting her, while the others guarded the room and Alana rolled her eyes at how much she felt like a Barbie doll while holding Shakira’s gun. Shakira carefully surrounded the breaks in Farrah’s arm with the degradable scaffolding, and filled these fractures with stem cells that would soon heal them as if they were never there. As she sealed her arm back together, she announced: “I am done here now!” and gently put her friend’s arm in a sling so she wouldn’t inappropriately move it.
“Good, now we can get out of here. I don’t wanna get caught, and Shakira you’re lucky to be a freelancer, you can do what you want, I should have thought of that a long time ago.” And so beautiful in so many ways…wait what am I thinking? She hit me! They ran to the service lifts, then impatiently waited for it to take them back to the ground floor so they could race through the fire stairs and back to Shakira’s TARDIS. However, when they reached the door, an unpleasant surprise greeted them.
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair, who can stay with us and tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares”, Sarah-Jane Smith said.
“FUCK NO!” All of Farrah’s doctors said in unison, and then stared at each other because of how weird that was. They then left, except for Shakira and Ursula.
“What the fuck is your problem?” asked Shakira.
“You’re all irresponsible, why can’t you accept things as they are?” Sarah-Jane asked.
“Because they were not acceptable!” yelled Ursula.
Unfortunately, Ms Smith had them right where certain people wanted them. Two cars raced in out of nowhere, aiming themselves for Shakira and Ursula, as Sarah-Jane got out of the way. “FUCKSOCKS!” Shakira screamed, then, thinking fast, pulled out her pink gun and shot the tyres of the first car. “SHIT I AM OUT OF BULLETS! I should have refilled it before I left!” she yelled.
“It’s okay!” Ursula reassured her, then pulled out a grenade from her handbag and screamed “SONTAR-HA!!” as she threw it at the second car, incapacitating it as the back half was left in pieces. They then ran back to where Shakira hid her TARDIS, and she asked Ursula, “Why do you carry grenades?”
“My father Strax always said to never go anywhere without spare grenades, as I never know when I might need one!”
“Are you guys alright?” Lawrence asked when they got back. “We saw everything!”
“We are safe now”, Ursula said, as Shakira unlocked her TARDIS.
“Come, let’s get inside…where is it you want to go?”
Farrah wanted to spend the night at her house in Los Angeles, so she did, with everyone there to protect her, because that’s what friends do, and they were worried and wanted to help her while she recovered.
In the middle of the night, both Shakira and Lawrence found each other on the roof.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked.
“I cannot yet”, she answered. “The only way the Time Lord police can find me is if that bitch tells them anything, but I’m sure she thinks I’m dead.”
“Well, I’m glad you’re alive”, he said, his blue eyes and highlights shining in the light of the full moon as he moved closer.
“So am I”, she replied, then looked up at him, and they kissed for the first time.

A/N: Well that was longer than usual. I got the idea after I saw photos of Farrah with her arm in a cast, and thought, ‘what would Shakira do?’

13: Surprises

Farrah’s sparkling blue eyes fluttered open, as she was woken by the sun shining in her angelic face. Once again, she had slept in, it was just that she had rolled face-first into the light of Kos III’s sun, as she was staying at Strawberry’s house for safety reasons. They had become good friends, which didn’t seem abnormal because of 1)the fact that Farrah became friends with her previous doctors and 2)the amount of time they were spending together because of certain people on Earth deciding that Farrah was a threat. Why the hell were they so afraid of her telling the world about effective alternatives to chemo and radiation anyway? After she slipped on a red singlet and jeans over her favourite swimsuit, she stared at herself in the mirror. Beanie or lace headband? Farrah wanted people to know that she had hair, but it was still very short. She went with the lace, because her hair was now long enough so that her scalp wasn’t visible any more. The chemo was starting to melt her brain when Shakira rescued her from her terrible fate, which was why she insisted on her taking ginkgo extract. It tasted terrible and was slow to act, but it was starting to work.
Farrah made her way down into the garage, where she found Linda’s bicycle. If she set the gears right, cycling through their area of the city would be much less tiring than walking, so she decided on borrowing it after making a mental note of it’s exact position in the garage as Linda was probably against people borrowing her stuff without permission and possibly against moving it too. After she slipped out of Strawberry’s house, Farrah spent about fifteen minutes gliding relatively effortlessly through the streets, only stopping once she got to an area of the beach where she could tie up Linda’s bike. She stuffed her clothes into her bag, as she had already put on sunscreen, and made her way into the clear and perfectly refreshing water.
“Hello there…you don’t look like you’re from around here!” A suggestive male voice called out, both effeminate and deep at the same time. “From the looks of your hair…hehe…have you recently…escaped prison or some other *horrible* situation?”
Really I could tell this guy anything I want and I don’t want complete strangers knowing too much anyway, she thought, and said “Something like that.”
This strange man(?) approached her and kissed her lips. “Well that’s aaaall over now isn’t it?” Before Farrah could answer, he pulled her down so they were both sitting in the water, and then proceeded to lead her on in doing some *inappropriate* things together. Fortunately, no one knew what they were doing, and anyone who saw them just thought they were kissing.
“Owww!” Farrah squeaked, pulling away from him. I have never thought this before, but WHY me and why now? I was enjoying that!
“What’s the matter dear?” the transvestite asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it, but don’t worry, it’s not your fault and I’m seeing a doctor for it.” She sat in the water with her legs crossed.
“I’m a doctor…but not that kind…who is she?”
“My usual doctor doesn’t take care of the kind of problem this is…so she sent me to someone named Strawberry Fields. We actually became friends, she’s really nice.”
The transvestite’s eyes popped open. “Strawberry? That bitch? She got me pregnant some years ago!”
Farrah tried not to laugh. She knew about Strawberry’s alien biology, but it was still really weird since she looked totally human and didn’t seem the type who would want to have sex with transvestites.
“Then who the fuck are you?” he asked. Farrah stood up and got ready to jump back on Linda’s bike so she could get as far away from this psycho man-bitch as fast as possible.
“Ummm….My name is Farrah Fawcett.” She had her shirt back on and hands firmly on the bicycle’s handlebars, which was no longer tied up.
“YOU! You’re the one who had me locked away in the psych wing of that Los Angeles hospital!”
“Hey! Unless you’ve travelled through time, that was four years ago!”
“NO! I travelled back four years to save Michael Jackson, realised I was there too early and decided to resurrect Elvis instead! UGGH!” He started to run at Farrah, who then rode away from him as fast as she possibly could. After almost running at least a dozen people over with the borrowed bicycle, Farrah was eventually sure he had lost sight of her. She then noticed two familiar people at a café, one of them being an armless redhead with her feet on the table. Slowly, she wheeled over to them, quite tired from everything now that the adrenaline had worn off.
“And then I said, ‘Elvis Presley’s virginity is mine!’” the redhead declared, and looked up. “Hey Farrah! I didn’t see you there!”
Farrah giggled, partly because of what she just overheard. “Hi Strawberry, I borrowed Linda’s bicycle to go to the beach but some weird transvestite started chasing me so I came here.”
“Guten tag Farrah, do you remember me?” It was Ursula! “Hahaha, first Bad Wiesse, then Terminus space station and now I see you here! Strawberry told me everything!”
“So it really was you!” Farrah hugged her, and said, “What were you doing on Terminus?”
“I decided to leave Earth in the beginning of 2009 and came back here. I worked on Terminus for only two weeks to cover for someone else, I must say that it is a good thing that I have a universal currency converter.”
“You’re an alien?” Farrah had no idea that her sweet German doctor was not from Earth’s Germany.
“My mother is from Kos III so she brought me here with her, but my father is a Sontaran named Strax, he is on another Earth.”
“And Dr Vogl?” So this is why I couldn’t talk to them.
“Ugh….he was arrested, and in your timeline still in jail, because one night he decided to get drunk, break into a zoo and as he says, ‘easily’ get a kangaroo and a racoon to mate.” Farrah laughed at this, and thought, Why am I not surprised?
“Come and sit down with us!” Strawberry offered. “We haven’t been on our lunch break for long.” She sat down with them, then Strawberry asked her, “Was the transvestite a man with dark curly hair, and did he say anything about Elvis?”
“That’s Frank N Furter! He’s out to get me and Elvis! Elvis is out busking for money and trying to get a regular job, but I didn’t know Frank’s here so I couldn’t warn him!” She paused. “Wait what were you guys doing?” The look on Farrah’s face told her everything. “You guys were going at it with each other?”
“Umm…Yeah….without protection…I didn’t know women could get him pregnant!”
“It’s okay, you probably didn’t, but if you want I’ll teach you how to avoid him and his child support.”
“Thanks”, Farrah said, and put her head on Strawberry’s shoulder.
Strawberry brushed her back with one of her arm-stumps. “Hey, friends keep their friends safe, it’s no big deal.”

Light years away and four years in the past, a fat man in a business suit sat at his desk, dialling a number. “Hello? I need some hitmen, I’ll fax the photos right now…Yes, I am *that* head of *that* hospital who worked for *that* company…you know my instructions…KILL FARRAH’S DOCTORS!”

12: Centre of My Universe

“So what do you want to do today? I am seeing my sister and our friend Asha tonight but otherwise I have nothing planned” Shakira asked.
“I don’t know…we can go anywhere in time and space…you have any good ideas?” Farrah answered, still lying on her side as Shakira had just given her a B12 injection. She now looked like she had a buzz-cut as all of her hair had come back, and was wearing a strip of lace as a headband.
Shakira sat down next to her. “Actually I have been thinking about a woman I have met who travelled through time and space with a Time Lord, her name is Nyssa of Traken. I was about to work in the hospital she ran, but I chose Holly’s planet instead.”
“What’s she like?” Farrah asked.
“She is a pretty, tiny lady who is quite sweet and reserved, but also highly intelligent and very, very strong. One has to be when they run a hospital floating in space that was once a leper colony. The Time Lord she was with- his name is The Doctor- she doesn’t miss him as much as her friend Tegan…I noticed many pictures of her.”
“Then why don’t we get ‘em back together?” suggested Farrah.
“That is actually a good idea!” Shakira said. “She told me where Tegan is now, they haven’t spoken but she learnt these things from The Doctor. Tegan lives on the same Earth as one of my enemies, Sarah Smith.” Shakira picked up her computer and, because she knew where to look, quickly found information on Tegan.
“How many Earths are there?”
“Many…there are some humans who have this ability where the stories they write become real, it is strange. I just hacked into the Brisbane airport’s computers, and I know exactly where Tegan is!” Shakira typed in the necessary co-ordinates on her TARDIS console, and as she was flying it, asked: “Farrah do you still remember all the sign language I taught you years ago?”
“Yeah, you have to turn this thing off again?” she answered.
“It would be best, and because I cannot get new hearing aid batteries until tomorrow and these ones are running out, I would like you to translate their English into sign language for me.” Shakira turned off her hearing aids and took them off her ears, then landed her TARDIS in a dusty storeroom in the airport and turned it off too. She used her sonic screwdriver to unlock the door, freeing them to find the staff lounge where Tegan was. “Shakira, where did you learn to hack computers?” Farrah asked as they were walking.
“Medical school, it is a long story.”
“And how do you know she’ll trust us?”
“She trusted the complete stranger who she came to know as The Doctor.”
Eventually they found Tegan, sitting by herself with a sandwich.
“Hi, my name is Farrah, and my friend says ‘hello, my name is Shakira Seddiqi, are you Tegan Jovanka?’” Farrah said, translating for Shakira.
“Yes…I am!” Tegan answered, with her loud Australian accent. “Wait, what do you want?”
“Were you friends with a man who called himself The Doctor?” she continued.
“Yes…are you from UNIT or something? Because I don’t want any trouble and I’m over fighting monsters.”
“Shakira says that she doesn’t know what UNIT is, but she knows your friend Nyssa because she’s a doctor too and owns a TARDIS and is asking if you want to see her.”
Tegan’s face lit up. “Really? Alright let’s go! Wait, can she bring me back here on time?” she asked Farrah.
“She says you don’t have to worry about her taking you to the wrong place.”
“Great! It’s more than anyone can say for The Doctor!” Tegan laughed, and then followed these strange people to their TARDIS. “So…yours is stuck in the form of an old wardrobe? The Doctor had his as a police box”, Tegan asked once they found the storage closet.
“No, she just likes it this way.”
Shakira unlocked and turned her TARDIS back on, and signed “I won’t put my hearing aids back in because this will only take 2 minutes”, which Farrah translated, and added, “She has a severe hearing impairment.”
“Why is she asking you to interpret for her when she could have left this thing on?”
“It’s just safer, she changed the past for me so the Time Lord police are out to get her.”
A smile spread across Tegan’s face. “Oh! So you’re in-“
“No we’re just friends” Farrah said, rolling her eyes.
The TARDIS landed silently. “[…]”
“She says we’re here.”
“Where’s that whooshing sound?”
Shakira laughed. “[…!]”
Farrah giggled. “That only happens when you leave the brakes on!” Once again, Shakira turned her TARDIS off, and they all left to find Nyssa. She had landed her TARDIS in a hallway not far from Nyssa’s office, the first place they looked.
“She’s not in there, maybe she’s doing surgery.” They continued down the halls, with Tegan sometimes stopping to look out the windows. Bloody hell, I didn’t know that I actually missed this. I really hope she hasn’t forgotten me. Shakira peered through the windows of a doorway labelled “RECOVERY”, and nudged Farrah’s shoulder to get her attention. “[…!]”
“Shakira says she found Nyssa!” Farrah said as her friend opened the doors of the recovery ward. Nyssa looked up at the three visitors, and Tegan froze as Nyssa’s eyes met hers for the first time in years. “…Nyssa?” was all Tegan could manage to say.
“Tegan? Is it really you? How did you get here? Has it been ten years for you too?” Nyssa’s lovely face lit up as she realised that this was not a dream, but indeed real.
“Yes it is me!” The burning desire she had for Nyssa was no longer supressed, and she rushed to embrace her for the first time in too many years. Nyssa then slipped her arms around Tegan and began to kiss her passionately, no longer telling herself to move on from her past. Farrah and Shakira were surprised. “I had no idea they were this close!” Shakira signed.
“That’s so sweet! They’re still in love after all these years!” Farrah added.
“I never want to be separated from you again! You’re the centre of my universe and you always will be!” Tegan declared.
“Neither do I, but, don’t you have a life on Earth to go back to?” Nyssa asked.
“Yes…I do…your friend Shakira brought me here and it has been ten years and I wish there was some way that we could visit each other whenever we wanted!”
A chubby woman with dark hair looked up. “Where I come from, we have two-way teleporters that can be set to two different places, and if necessary, time periods. Are you from the same time as Nyssa?”
“No”, Tegan answered. “I’m from 1500 years in the past.”
“Well I can get you two a pair, and set it so not only can you come here, and Nyssa can come to you, but your timelines will always be aligned. Like for example if you go a week without visiting Nyssa it will also be a week for her regardless.”
“That’s amazing! Please, please do that for us, I don’t know how I could repay you but please do it!” Tegan was not going to let this opportunity slip past her. Nyssa just smiled, with her hands covering her mouth. This was the best day they both had in a long time.
“Oh it is no problem. The teleporters are cheap outdated technology now; I can get them at those stores that charities run for poor people.”
“Thankyou so much, Ursula”, Nyssa said. Farrah raised a just-regrowing eyebrow. Is she- no she can’t be! “By the way my name’s Farrah, and Shakira told me this was a leper colony….Nyssa I think your work is amazing from what I’ve seen.”
“Thankyou”, Nyssa replied, with an air of aristocratic propriety.
“Shakira says she can take you home in her TARDIS to get the pair of teleporters.”
“Thankyou Shakira, normally for me it would take an hour to get there”, Ursula replied in her strong German accent.
“Is it alright if we leave you here Tegan?”
“Sure! We have a lot of catching up to do, you know?” Tegan agreed, winking. Ursula then left with Shakira and Farrah to buy the $10 set of teleporters, thinking “Is the blonde- no, she looks too young!”, while Nyssa shirked her duties onto other people so she could go and have hot sex with Tegan. They understood. Awww.

10: The Lake

“Hey! I found a goldfish!” Farrah yelled.
“Yeah some of Shakira’s work friends threw their fish’s babies into the lake to see what would happen”, Holly 13 answered. They were swimming in the lake near Holly’s house, a sparkling blue body of water sustained by a large waterfall. Holly was wearing a blue strapless bikini, while Farrah had a low-cut white onepiece swimsuit and a little more hair on her head. Alice, Farrah’s kitten, was tied to a nearby willow tree by her leash.
“You okay?” Holly asked.
Farrah smiled. “Two days ago I found out that I actually don’t have cancer, just a lot of problems from the chemo, so I’m better than what I thought I was.”
“That’s great!” Holly said while jumping out of the water, then falling back down.
“Yeah, that means the doctors in Germany were right, but for some reason I can’t talk to them! And my YouTube account got deleted yesterday after I posted a video of my doctors –Shakira, Strawberry and even Dex- all saying that I’m in ‘remission’. I even got a message from the website telling me that my doctors are banned from YouTube!”
“What about Linda?”
“She kept disagreeing with the others, and I don’t really need her anyway…too bad she’s Strawberry’s roommate.” Holly laughed, and then the two almost identical women chased some of the colourful fish thrown into the lake. Farrah was either staying with Shakira, Strawberry, or anyone she was only friends with, but not Dex as she could easily be caught if she was with him.
“Salaam aleikum everyone!” Shakira and Saghira appeared, in a 1920’s swimsuit and a burqini, respectively. They both jumped into the water instead of walking in, so there were now two sets of identical women in the lake. Shakira now looked exactly like her twin, as the water somewhat straightened her hair, which was described by some as a living mass of tentacles. It was the afternoon, so Shakira had finished work.
“Hey Shakira, what’s it like having a sister? We’re grown in jars and aren’t told about our family so I don’t know.”
“Like a best friend!” she said, then Saghira added, “But closer! Even though I am married I consider my last name to still be Seddiqi because I always want the same name as my sister.”
“Awwww!” both Farrah and Holly squeaked at the same time, as the twins hugged each other.
Farrah swam over to Shakira. “Shakira! Ryan and Alana had something to do with the hospital taking my legal rights!”
“They did what?”, Shakira and Saghira asked at the same time, then looked at each other.
“They wanted to take my money and the hospital is in the pockets of the drug industry, who doesn’t want me telling the world the truth about stuff.”
“That’s terrible!” Saghira said as both of the twins hugged Farrah. “But you can count on me and my sister, and you have other friends right?”
“Thanks, and yeah I have Jaclyn and Kate and others so I’m not lonely on Earth. But I thought Alana and especially Ryan wanted to help me, I should have known they were like this.”
“Hey you wanna come over tonight? I spent last night with a potato farmer- he grows other vegetables, but mostly potatoes- and I know of some other sexy farmers too, both men and women!” Holly offered.
“Maybe some other time, I’d be too tired for tonight.”
“I don’t care much for potatoes”, Shakira stated. Saghira added, “Whose idea was it to add potatoes to curries? They just don’t belong there….Farrah I know you seem to still be tired easily, but are you any better than last week when we found Alice?”
“Yes I am! It’s not just everything Shakira’s doing for me and telling me to do, ever since I was told that I don’t have cancer I’ve been able to sleep better!” Saghira said: “I have been asking Shakira how you are every time she says she has seen you”, then they embraced each other.
Holly splashed Saghira to get her attention. “So what you been doing?”
“I enrolled for a diploma of beauty therapy, which starts on the first of August so I have been getting ready for that! Our cousin Fawzia says that I can work in her salon after I finish it”, she told the blonde.
“Great! I’m a nurse and I mostly work in plastic surgery.”
The four talked some more and were swimming some more, until the sun began to set and it started to get cold. They then got out of the lake and wrapped their towels around themselves, a little cold but happy.
“MEEEEOW!” It turned out that Alice had got herself stuck up the willow tree, and was now demanding to be set free. She wasn’t up very high, she was just not yet confident at climbing, so Farrah only had to get up on her toes and stretch her arms out to get the little kitten. “There you are sweetie….mwah!” She kissed her ‘baby’ and said, “I guess we better get going now; I’ll see you again soon Holly!” as she left with Shakira.

9: Suspicions

“Hey Strawberry, can I meet Elvis sometime? That would be awesome!” asked Lawrence to his armless friend.
“Sure! He’s working on getting a singing career started on my home planet!” she answered. They were in Los Angeles with Shakira, Dex, Farrah and her friend, Alana, because Shakira and the others had become suspicious. They were suspicious because Farrah had no visible symptoms of liver cancer, and because of the improbability of her cancer having come back worse than ever only a few weeks after being told she didn’t have any, so she was having an MRI. Okay, they are expensive, but Shakira was going to hack into the head of Monsanto’s bank account and steal the bill from them, because their carcinogen-inventing shenanigans meant that they deserved it.
Lawrence put his arm around Farrah. “So how are you?”
“Great!…umm have you heard of infrared therapy? Shakira has an infrared sauna and told me to use it once a week….I did and black stuff came out of my skin and then this morning I noticed a tiny bit of my hair’s grown back.”
“Wow….that’s ahead of schedule”, he said, turning to Shakira, “Shakira, I’m impressed!”
“[…]” Lawrence was surprised. Why is she speaking in Spanish? Farrah translated what he just said, Shakira replied, then she continued, “She says thankyou, and that the reason why she’s speaking Spanish is because she had to turn off her TARDIS, so it can’t translate for her. Shakira doesn’t speak English, because on Thera Spanish is the dominant language.”
“O….kay then.” They’re all so fucking weird! Eventually they reached the hospital, but because the heads of the hospital were out to get Farrah, everyone except Lawrence had to take the fire stairs. As they were walking down the fire stairs, as they kept the MRI machine in the basement, Dex thought: Shakira walks so confidently! She is confident in everything she does, never a submissive doormat like some of the girls who have thrown themselves at me over the years, while Shakira was also thinking: Everything he does, he does it very sensually, he is sexy all the time without being dirty, and never forceful like some men who think they are attractive.
There was only one flight of stairs, so it didn’t take too long. Strawberry whispered: “He says it’s only really ten steps away, so we don’t have much chance of being caught, and if we do it’s an easy escape.” They left the fire stairs and in literally three seconds, met Lawrence again, standing next to the MRI machine. Like the rest of the hospital, this room was also as cold and sterile as fuck. “Did ya miss me?”, he smiled, “Okay Farrah you know how this goes, we’re going into where the computer is and Alana you can stay with her.” Lawrence and the others set up the computer controlling the MRI machine, while Farrah got herself into a hospital gown and Alana wrapped her in a blanket, because she wanted to feel useful and was feeling quite protective. He started the scan, and Alana kept herself sitting as close as she could to her friend. For minutes that seemed like hours, everyone in the other room was silent, neither talking nor thinking, until the images appeared on the computer screen.
“What the hell?” Strawberry yelled.
“Then how did they -?” Lawrence ended the scan, printed the results and left with the others. Farrah could sense just how pissed off they were, and how confused Lawrence was. “You actually….don’t have cancer. Scar tissue, yes, but no cancer.”
“Really?” She was so happy, but at the same time, didn’t know what to think about whoever was responsible for the false positive tests earlier.
“Yes really”, he answered, a smile spreading across his face.
“That’s wonderful!….but….how, and why, did they tell me I was worse than ever?”
“Either it was a mistake, because you’re rich and chemo costs money, or because some people don’t want anyone here going to Germany for treatment.” He paused. “Okay I am pissed!”
“And what about my life, doesn’t it matter to them? When I said I felt like a blonde nothing, I guess that’s right to some people”, she sighed, and put her head on Alana. Alana hugged her and told her: “Don’t say that! You’re my best friend and you mean so much to me, you can’t ever be nothing!”
Dex then translated this for Shakira, as he is also fluent in Spanish. “[…!]” she yelled while wrapping her arms around Farrah, which meant: You are not nothing! You were never nothing and you never will be nothing!
“Yeah!” Dex continued, “I always thought there was something about you, when I have been visiting my recovering patients, you were one of the ones I stayed with longer than the others.”
“I find that inappropriate! Playing favourites crosses boundaries!” Lawrence shouted, then when Dex was about to react, he said: “Just kidding. I’m also guilty of playing favourites, such as with Farrah.”
“I can see something special about you too, don’t ever think you’re nothing because so many people love you, a few jerks in suits don’t matter” Strawberry added. “And I’m sorry that I thought your scar tissue was cancer, I’m just not that familiar with it.” Or the concept of firing high doses of radiation at someone’s rectum. What the fuck were they thinking?
“Awwwwww! Thanks guys!” Farrah smiled, lighting up her face and the entire room. “Let’s get out of here before I get caught, I’ll buy you all lunch if you want.” Everyone agreed to this, and slipped out of the hospital safely, as the head of the hospital, with his hand in the figurative wallets of certain corporations, arrived too late. “DAMMIT WE MISSED THEM AGAIN!” he yelled. “Why is this so important?” his female assistant questioned.
“Because! Learning that her treatment in Germany was successful means that she will lead American patients away from our businesses in America, and even though most of what she did wasn’t too alternative, she now knows about the totally drug-free nutritional options that have an even greater chance of destroying our industry! Do you seriously think that she will accept most people being on chemo, which is less than 10% effective at saving lives, or the fact that the chemical industry releases thousands of carcinogens into the world and gets away with it?”
“No sir”, she answered.
Later, the head received a phone call from Alana, which can only be described as a Texan version of the Elder Swear*, while they were all eating lunch on the roof of Farrah’s house. Farrah happily translated this for Shakira, as she felt that her friend/doctor should hear this exposition of exactly what the head and his mother are.

A/N: 😦 http://www.naturalnews.com/026816_cancer_health_natural.html
http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/images/stories/Publications/994.pdf (about 4.7MB)
*The Elder Swear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbhEyN8hFXM