29: Trespassing May Have Consequences

“Farrah you’re healing really well!” Strawberry piped up, surprised that damage she once thought to be permanent was reversing.

“Wait what? That’s great! Sorry I wasn’t paying attention…I wanted to ask you, how long does it take to make a baby on Transsexual?”

Strawberry froze at the mention of that planet’s name. “Th-there’s two months gestation and then seven months with the baby developing in an egg”, she said as she disposed of her feet gloves. “Has he sent you any more threats?”

Farrah sat up. “No, I wanted to visit the baby when Frank N Furter’s not around; I’m the one who got him pregnant…somehow.” Strawberry then fell off her chair, exposing her underwear with the cherries on them, and the white garter with the strawberry on it that she regularly wore. “Are you alright?” Farrah asked, reaching for one of the tied sleeves of her white coat.

“Sorry he just scares me! I’m not taking you, you’ll have to ask someone else!” She got up and wrote down some co-ordinates. “This is how to get to his house, I don’t know, ask Ursula.”

“Thanks for flying us to see the baby…egg…he or she is still my baby too!” Farrah poked Ursula as they began their descent onto the roof of the building where Frank N Furter lived. It was an obscenely tall apartment complex, and he lived in a penthouse that took up the entire top two floors, which was perfect for the outrageous parties he threw. The abandoned mansion he lived in on Earth was not noticeably larger.

“Don’t break anything this time!” Kate teased. “Ow!” Dex elbowed her in the face accidentally, as he and Thomas were trying to win some stupid game. He then uttered a quick “Sorry!” before getting back to whatever they were doing.

“I won’t touch anything this time so I’m not going to break anything!” she said, remembering what happened last time. They touched down on his personal landing strip, knowing that he wouldn’t be home until the next day.

“Tom!” Ursula handed over one of the rheon carbine guns, the smallest and easiest to use Sontaran weapon. “Protecting them is your job too.”

“Ja, I know…” he lowered his voice to a whisper. “I don’t trust Dex either.”

“Knowing Farrah, she will try on Dr Furter’s clothes and unintentionally set off an alarm”, she whispered back. They joined the others, who were waiting at the door to be let in, and then descended the stairs to Frank N Furter’s penthouse. As expected, Farrah found a pair of ‘Dr’ Furter’s shoes and one of his hats, then put them on and paraded around as if she were modelling them. She then strutted to a complicated looking machine he had in the middle of his living room for showing-off purposes and pretended to work on it. Flipping her still-short hair, she moved to another side of the thing…and then tripped onto it. The some-kind-of laser beam spun activated, spun around, and then hit Dex and Thomas, consuming them in a pink light. Seconds later, they had once more become visible, but as women! Their transformation was thorough enough that Dex had long, dark curls with a rose in it, a frilly gypsy style top and a short denim skirt, while Thomas had his clothes changed to a pantsuit and his hair into a short bob.

Farrah stood up with the help of a speechless Kate and a button-free area of the machine. “What….just…..”

Ursula laughed. “I am sorry Tom, I just always imagined this to be you if you were a woman!”

“HEY! It’s not funny!” they both yelled.

“Don’t worry! We will find a way to change you back!” Ursula began to look for a manual with the others, until Kate jumped up and read out: “The Sex Change Ray: A Surgery-Free Option for Transgender Transylvanians. Manual written by Dr Frank N Furter, the inventor.”

“What does it say?” Farrah asked, reaching out to flip through the pages.

“Go to the index!”

“R-Reversal. Page 120”, she read out as Ursula and the ex-guys joined them.

“Reversal of sex change is possible, however is often desired due to family and peer pressure. Therefore it is only possible to initialise with a DNA sample of the operator”, Ursula continued from the pages. “His hairbrush?” she added after a pause. Tom was the first to sprint off, looking for the bedroom or bathroom where Frank N Furter would keep his hairbrush. Farrah found a shelf of sex toys and Ursula found some exotic/frightening scientific equipment, but eventually Dex stumbled upon a bathroom, with a pink glittering hairbrush that had “Dr Frank N Furter” emblazoned onto it. “I found iiiiiit!” he happily yelled out in his now-female voice, as he was finally doing something useful and didn’t have to explain himself to Strawberry. Everyone rushed over, and Thomas asked “How do you know it’s his?”, after emerging from a guest bedroom.

“Well it has his name on it and there’s a note in the bathroom saying ‘touch my goodies at your own risk’, so it must be”, Dex answered.

“I think we should change back now, hmm?” Thomas suggested, aware of Dr Furter’s nature from Strawberry’s stories.

“While you’re turning back into men, can I go and see the egg?” asked Farrah, also wary of the time.

“Of course you can, but don’t be too long.”

Farrah, leading Kate by the hand, raced to the room where she found his egg/baby. Picking it up, she said softly: “Hey there…it’s your mommy…..I know your daddy won’t want me seeing you, so I’m gonna leave this for you”, she paused to leave a rattle underneath the blanket, with ‘From your mom, Farrah’, written on it, then continued, “I hope we meet again someday.” As she kissed the eggshell and held it for a few seconds, she thought she could feel the baby kicking gently at her face.

“You can’t help yourself, can you?” Kate asked, poking her.

“Nope…let’s get out of here before he comes back or I want to take back my…whatever this is.”

“I AM A MAN AGAIN!” Dex shouted as Farrah and Kate made their way back to the living room.

“I missed it too, and as a woman I think my sense of style was missing something”, Thomas agreed.

“So everyone is alright to leave now?” asked Ursula, thinking she could hear footsteps at the front door.

“YES!” was her answer, as everyone was increasingly on edge. Then, a knock at the front door, which functioned as a starting gun for something resembling a race back to the roof. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

26: HIStory Altered, Again

Dex, Holly 13 and Strawberry left the Italian restaurant where they had just eaten dinner, and were now walking down the street back to Strawberry’s “car”. It was safer for Dex show his face in public than it was for Lawrence, because no one would know that he was helping Farrah escape and ruin the pharmaceutical companies. Sure, there was that one time when Farrah had a facelift and Dex let her stay at his house, where the paparazzi got pictures of them, but they were terrible and they spelt his name wrong.
“OW!”
Strawberry turned towards Dex, assuming that he’d taken his glasses off in order to look ‘cool’ and had consequently tripped or run into something. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah”, Dex said, rubbing his head. He bent over to pick up a piece of paper that had been wrapped around a pencil. “This thing fell from the sky and hit me!…hey look at this!”
Holly and Strawberry looked over Dex’s shoulder as they all read the note.
“Help me! I’ve been kidnapped by a crazy guy and I’m trapped in this hotel”, Holly began.
“I’m in the 8th room on the 4th floor”, Strawberry continued.
“Please get me out of here before he comes back”, Dex concluded. “It’s signed ‘Michael’.”
“I guess we’d better help him then”, said Holly.
Strawberry agreed. “We have time, but it doesn’t matter anyway! Whoever he is, he’s in trouble, and he could be killed!”
The three then proceeded to enter the hotel, a very fancy branch of an international chain. When the woman at the front desk questioned them, Dex just told her they were visiting their friend Michael; luckily she didn’t ask for a last name. Nervous, Holly counted the floors as they took the elevator, which was annoying but she couldn’t help herself.
“Wait…how are we supposed to get in if we don’t have a room key?” Dex asked no one in particular once they had arrived, then remembered that Shakira had given them her sonic screwdriver in case they got into trouble and needed it. Several clumsy attempts finally yielded the result of the door unlocking, which allowed Dex, Holly and Strawberry to enter.
“I’m in here!” the high-pitched, male voice called out. Glancing over at each other, they quietly stepped into the bedroom.
Dex got down on the floor so they would be on the same level. “Are- are you alright?” The man had a bandanna over his face, his odd-looking face, and very pale skin, for it was not just any man, but Michael Jackson!” Strawberry and Holly dropped to the floor too, and Strawberry glared at Dex for a second over the excessive plastic surgery that this man had. Dex responded with a look that said ‘Que? I’m innocent…I would never agree to doing this anyway!’
“No!” Michael answered, relieved but impatient. “A transvestite kidnapped me yesterday, real early in the morning; he said he was saving me!”
“Saving you from what?” asked Holly, while Strawberry was too shocked to speak.
“He said that if I stayed home, I’d overdose on prescription drugs and die that day!”
Dex folded his arms. “Aaaand….do you have a problem with prescription drugs?”
Michael looked embarrassed. “Kind of…I didn’t take them for long and then I started to feel like I couldn’t live without them! My doctor never really helped, he just kept prescribing more drugs to deal with the side effects of what I was already on!”
“That is completely irresponsible! The drugs are often essentially poisons, even I know that! What exactly were you taking?”
Michael then gave a laundry list of prescriptions that disgusted Dex, confused Holly and caused Strawberry to ask if these things actually existed. “Uh when you say that a transvestite kidnapped you, what does he look like?”
“He has thick black hair that goes down to his shoulders, and heavy makeup, like red lipstick and too much eyeshadow, and he wears a black corset and giant fake pearls! He also has a tattoo on his arm that says ‘Boss’ in a heart.”
Strawberry gasped. “That’s Frank N. Furter! He’s always out to ruin people’s lives just for fun, and I know that he’s been time travelling!”
“Wait…so I was really gonna die?”
She didn’t know how to answer this. “Ummm….yeah. Reports of you dying disappeared from the intergalactic internet yesterday too, you can only find them under the time-cache tab; but Dr Furter wouldn’t save someone because he cares about them, he’d only do that for some kind of personal gain.”
“Well that was obvious…look can you guys untie me? I don’t know when he’s gonna come back!”
The three untied Michael Jackson – Strawberry with her feet – and gave him their names. “Thanks guys”, he said, “let’s get out of here now.”
“I was waiting for you to say that”, Strawberry agreed as she stood up. Everyone looked around for any sign of the transvestite as they left the room and waited for the elevator, hoping that he wouldn’t surprise them with an entrance. This lasted about ten seconds before fear persuaded them to bolt down the fire stairs, which they assumed they only had to do with Farrah, caring for her or otherwise.
“Okay now that we’re out, where do you wanna go?” Holly asked Michael.
“Actually I was thinking that I should get some help before I really do overdose, I don’t want to die and I don’t want my doctor controlling me anymore.”
“That would probably be the best idea”, said Dex as they walked back to Strawberry’s ‘car’. After the reached her time- and spaceship that appeared to be a red Mustang, they searched for the best rehab centre on Strawberry’s computer. Michael, however, was quite distracted by the fact that he was sitting inside something that could travel through time and space, but he soon agreed on a centre outside of California and away from his horrible, enabling ‘doctor’ and Frank N. Furter. The three then dropped him off at this relatively private, asshole-doctor-free location and made their way home.

A/N: When you ride alone, you ride with the patriarchy! Join a car sharing club today! 😛 https://en-maktoob.news.yahoo.com/shoura-woman-says-more-needed-women-empowerment-085826787.html

17: Baby Mamas

Strawberry sat in front of her mirror, and proceeded to perform what would seem to many to be an amazing show of flexibility. She was brushing her hair, with her feet, because that’s what you do when you have no arms. As she was finishing this, the peaceful atmosphere of her bedroom was broken by her phone ringing, so she put her brush down and got up to answer it.
“STRAWBERRY GINGER FIELDS!” an angry, distant male voice yelled. Oh no…it can’t be him!, Strawberry thought.
“W-What is it?” she asked.
“YOUR FUCKING PATIENT GOT ME PREGNANT!” he screamed. It was Frank N Furter!
“Well that’s for us to deal with, I know my way around the law”, she answered confidently, knowing exactly who he was talking about.
“That law doesn’t mean shit! It got changed!” Frank announced.
“Yeah fucking right it did you asshole!” she yelled back.
“IT DID BITCH! Do you think I’d be calling otherwise?” Strawberry then remembered that Frank never got into fights he couldn’t win, because he was too proud to do so. She slammed the phone down, said to herself, “Ohhhhh shit!”, and began to dial Ursula’s number so she could hopefully get on to Farrah.

Farrah was in her new bedroom, playing with Alice and planning her first lessons for her new job as an art teacher, which started the next week and was for three days a week, when the phone rang. She assumed it was for Ursula, so thought nothing of it until she heard footsteps approaching her room. “Farrah, Strawberry just called”, Ursula told her as she sat down on Farrah’s bed. “This is serious…she says Frank N Furter told her you got him pregnant…and the law was changed so you have no legal protection.”
“Ididwhat?” Farrah asked, her blue eyes almost jumping out of her head.
“Remember that day when you said you *met* him?”
“Yeah I remember everything, I just can’t believe that’s even possible!” She buried her head in her pillow and mumbled, “He’s going to ruin my life! Strawberry told me all about him!” as Ursula gently stroked her back, because she honestly had no idea of what to say. Alice just meowed.

Shakira hung up her phone, thus ending her conversation with Strawberry. Unlike everyone else, she knew exactly what to do to help Farrah out of her impending bondage to Frank N Furter. She entered a series of co-ordinates into her TARDIS console, and flew it on a smooth path to her intended destination. Her TARDIS landed perfectly into its’ place: a hallway in an apartment block, then she locked it, placed the key around her neck and knocked on apartment number 15. “Mary-Ann!” she yelled, then knocked again. “Mary-Ann!” she yelled again, then knocked again. The door was opened by an adorable blonde woman in boots and a mini-skirt.
“Hey doc, what is it?” Mary-Ann Pringle asked.
“Salaam aleikum, do you remember how I told you I have other patients who look just like you because they are different versions of you? One of them got Myron’s cousin pregnant, and needs a copy of the law you used to protect yourself in writing.”
Mary-Ann’s eyes widened. A few years ago, a transsexual named Myron, sometimes known as Myra, derailed Mary’s plans of becoming a wife and mother by raping her boyfriend and having sex with her, which resulted in Myron/Myra becoming pregnant. She then had to use an interplanetary law in order to avoid being bound to M/M as a source of child support, and by ‘child support’, they meant ‘all her money’. Since then, she decided to become a teacher, preferably for a drama or art class. “Come right inside, I’ve still got it in my drawer”, she said, and Shakira followed her into her bedroom. “It should be…here it is!” Mary-Ann announced as she pulled out a laminated piece of paper with two sentences highlighted in yellow.
“Good. Now we need to photocopy it and give it to Farrah; she was told that the law changed to remove protection from alien baby-mammas or fathers or whatever but she needs to know that it was changed again to permanently restore the protection”, Shakira said. She and Mary-Ann went back to her TARDIS and straight to a room next to her office where she kept the photocopier.
“So where are we going?” Mary-Ann asked as Shakira copied the lifesaving law.
“A planet named Kos III, it is like 1950s Earth with access to time and space travel, except more equal in some ways and that gender roles are reversed because women can get men pregnant. But they all look and feel the same as humans.”
“So…it’s kinda like what Myron wants to do to the world?”
“I suppose so”, she answered while they walked back to the console room. Shakira entered the co-ordinates for Ursula’s house and began to fly it once more. Mary-Ann stared out the window, because obviously she didn’t fly in TARDISes that often. She turned around when everything stopped moving and her view became a nice-looking duplex house in the suburbs.
“We are here”, Shakira announced. The two knocked on Ursula’s door, which was then opened.
“Salaam aleikum Ursula, Strawberry called me and so I have something that can help Farrah get out of trouble”, she said, with Mary-Ann holding the two copies of the Baby Daddy and Mama Protection Act (Transylvanian laws often had stupid names).
“That is great! Come inside!” Ursula replied, relieved that no one was getting killed today.
“Shakira!” Farrah called out, and then came over to her.
“Salaam aleikum my darling, Strawberry told me everything….This is Mary-Ann Pringle.” She introduced the two, and Farrah thought, Wow there are so many of me! I remember playing this woman, I wonder how things turned out for her.
“Hey there, Shakira said you needed some help”, said Mary-Ann.
“Yeah, apparently I got a guy pregnant…I never thought I’d say that.”
“Well don’t you worry, cuz if you carry around a copy of this law”, she offered Farrah a copy of the BDaMPA, “he can’t make you do anything for him that you don’t want to.”
“Thanks!” Farrah hugged Mary-Ann. “Did you get a man from Transsexual pregnant too?”
She nodded. “His name was Myron, but for a while he was a woman named Myra.”
“Huh, my guy’s name is Frank N Furter and he dresses like a woman!”
“They’re actually cousins! But Myron’s worse, he wants to go back to being a woman and enslave men; Frank just wants to have sex with anything that moves.”
Shakira and Ursula smiled at each other over how well the two were getting along. “I have to go and give another copy of that to Strawberry, so Mary-Ann can I borrow yours?” Shakira asked. “I will see you later, Ursula”, she continued.
“Sure!” She gave her copy of the law to Shakira. “But can I stay with Farrah for a while?”
“Yeah, can she?” Farrah asked.
Shakira laughed. “Of course you can!” she answered, and left the two new friends to get to know each other.

16: Risk

“So what are you gonna do now?” asked one of Farrah’s best friends, Kate Jackson, as they were driving through the forest. Farrah stopped sticking her hand out of the car window and turned to her to answer: “I’ve decided to live with Ursula, but I still see Shakira and Strawberry all the time. I don’t know…I would *like* to start acting there but I’m thinking of being an art teacher.”
Kate smiled. “As long as you keep visiting me here.”
“Of course I will! But if I get an acting career going on her world I don’t want to deal with paparazzi again.”
“Just wear a wig when you’re acting so you can have your privacy!” she half-joked. “What’s it like there anyway?”
“Like Earth in the ‘50s but the gender roles are reversed. Strawberry said it’s because the women get the men pregnant there”, Farrah replied, while seriously considering her friend’s suggestion.
“So like the world you grew up in but better?”
“Yeah!” she laughed. The only other problem is that they don’t age, just like on Shakira’s planet…but my doctors know how to stop aging anyway, she thought, and looked down at her arm. The fractures were fully healed but she still had to be careful with it, as the scaffold hadn’t completely broken down yet.
“Hey, an abandoned house!” Kate said, and stopped to look at it. It was an old mansion in the middle of the forest, which seemed to be only recently abandoned.
“Maybe it’s haunted!” Farrah giggled. “You wanna look inside?” The door was open, so there was nothing stopping them.
“Sure! We don’t have anything else planned so I don’t see why not!” Kate answered. They walked through the front yard to the door, past the fence with the “ABANDONED” sign nailed to it and the unkempt-but-not-overly-so garden. If they got into any trouble, Farrah could always call Shakira, or Strawberry or Ursula, who are more likely to arrive *early* to save them than late. The inside of the house looked both Victorian and sterile at the same time, as if it belonged to a scientist who preferred to work from home. There was also a lift.
“Do you trust that thing?” Kate asked and pointed to the aforementioned lift.
“No, it’s probably broken”, Farrah said, and looked behind it to the stairs.
“What do you think happened?”
“I dunno, maybe the owner died and their family sometimes comes back to clean up the house, like it keeps their memories alive or something”, she replied, and shuddered at the thought of what would have happened to her if Shakira hadn’t visited her that night. She remembered how Saghira had to carry her for the vast majority of their walk around Roswell (seven children had given the woman some very strong back muscles), and how she still could only function like a normal person for one or two hours a day. After all, it had only been a month since Shakira had taken her under her care, thus reuniting them.
Previously lost in her thoughts, Farrah found herself at the foot of the stairs. She tested the first one, to find that it was strong enough to support her. “Hey, let’s see what’s upstairs!”
Kate emerged from the living room, which contained a mix of 19th century and 1970’s furniture. “Okay…but are you sure it’s safe?” she answered, and stayed behind Farrah, as she was still unsure about the stair’s structural integrity and wanted her more adventurous friend to test each step for her. “Life is sweetened by risk”, the little blonde often said.
“Of course it is….’fraidy cat….” Farrah teased, then added, “See? We’re alive!” once they had reached the second floor, and then disappeared into the master bedroom. Kate followed her, and they found a huge, 60’s space-age-ish style room, with a circular bed surrounded by curtains and a large, also circular skylight in the centre of the ceiling. Several vases filled with red flowers decorated the room, and the bed copied them in its’ red and pink hues.
“Someone must have been very romantic”, Kate said as she scanned the room.
Farrah picked something up off of a chest of drawers. “Oh…you don’t say!” she replied as she realised that she was holding a sex toy, which she threw across the room, accidentally smashing one of the vases. “I don’t wanna know what that thing’s used for.”
Kate opened the walk-in wardrobe’s doors and stepped inside. “Hey! These are gorgeous!” she told Farrah, as she had found an array of beautiful dresses, ranging from 1930’s style all the way to the ‘80s, with 70’s porn star-style male clothing in a box on the floor, which she ignored. She grabbed several of these dresses to try on.
“How do I look?” she asked Farrah, once she slipped on a ‘40s evening dress.
“Wow! You are gorgeous! What do you think of these?” Farrah asked from behind her, pointing to the red ‘30s style shoes she had taken.
“They’re beautiful!…I wonder if it’s alright for us to keep these…” Kate thought out loud.
“Yeah, the house is abandoned, so the owners are either too dead or too far away to care.”
“Let’s keep them!” Kate decided, and folded up her new dress after she put her clothes back on. Farrah put her old shoes on again, as heels were a bit impractical while walking on stairs of questionable integrity, and together they replaced the other clothes and closed the wardrobe doors.
“You wanna get out of here?” Kate asked as they picked up their new dress/shoes off of the bed.
“Yeah, I’m starting to get tired and I just get the feeling that maybe we’re not supposed to be here.”
“So do I…but I’m sure whoever visits this place to clean it won’t notice what we took.”
“Except for the vase I broke!” Farrah was getting a little nervous.
“I think it’s a good idea to leave now too…come on”, Kate agreed, and put her arm around Farrah as they left the room and descended down the stairs. They ran back to the car and drove off, not knowing that their intuition had just saved them. The house was not abandoned, no, that was a lie…the house was actually occupied by Frank N Furter! He saw Farrah and Kate in the distance as he arrived at his mansion, so he knew who the culprits were when he discovered the broken vase.
“Uh whattaya gonna do boss?” Rocky asked him.
Frank N Furter looked at his slave, and declared: “Force her to pay up…after all, breaking MY vase with one of my personal items is NOT the only thing she’s in trouble for!”

13: Surprises

Farrah’s sparkling blue eyes fluttered open, as she was woken by the sun shining in her angelic face. Once again, she had slept in, it was just that she had rolled face-first into the light of Kos III’s sun, as she was staying at Strawberry’s house for safety reasons. They had become good friends, which didn’t seem abnormal because of 1)the fact that Farrah became friends with her previous doctors and 2)the amount of time they were spending together because of certain people on Earth deciding that Farrah was a threat. Why the hell were they so afraid of her telling the world about effective alternatives to chemo and radiation anyway? After she slipped on a red singlet and jeans over her favourite swimsuit, she stared at herself in the mirror. Beanie or lace headband? Farrah wanted people to know that she had hair, but it was still very short. She went with the lace, because her hair was now long enough so that her scalp wasn’t visible any more. The chemo was starting to melt her brain when Shakira rescued her from her terrible fate, which was why she insisted on her taking ginkgo extract. It tasted terrible and was slow to act, but it was starting to work.
Farrah made her way down into the garage, where she found Linda’s bicycle. If she set the gears right, cycling through their area of the city would be much less tiring than walking, so she decided on borrowing it after making a mental note of it’s exact position in the garage as Linda was probably against people borrowing her stuff without permission and possibly against moving it too. After she slipped out of Strawberry’s house, Farrah spent about fifteen minutes gliding relatively effortlessly through the streets, only stopping once she got to an area of the beach where she could tie up Linda’s bike. She stuffed her clothes into her bag, as she had already put on sunscreen, and made her way into the clear and perfectly refreshing water.
“Hello there…you don’t look like you’re from around here!” A suggestive male voice called out, both effeminate and deep at the same time. “From the looks of your hair…hehe…have you recently…escaped prison or some other *horrible* situation?”
Really I could tell this guy anything I want and I don’t want complete strangers knowing too much anyway, she thought, and said “Something like that.”
This strange man(?) approached her and kissed her lips. “Well that’s aaaall over now isn’t it?” Before Farrah could answer, he pulled her down so they were both sitting in the water, and then proceeded to lead her on in doing some *inappropriate* things together. Fortunately, no one knew what they were doing, and anyone who saw them just thought they were kissing.
“Owww!” Farrah squeaked, pulling away from him. I have never thought this before, but WHY me and why now? I was enjoying that!
“What’s the matter dear?” the transvestite asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it, but don’t worry, it’s not your fault and I’m seeing a doctor for it.” She sat in the water with her legs crossed.
“I’m a doctor…but not that kind…who is she?”
“My usual doctor doesn’t take care of the kind of problem this is…so she sent me to someone named Strawberry Fields. We actually became friends, she’s really nice.”
The transvestite’s eyes popped open. “Strawberry? That bitch? She got me pregnant some years ago!”
Farrah tried not to laugh. She knew about Strawberry’s alien biology, but it was still really weird since she looked totally human and didn’t seem the type who would want to have sex with transvestites.
“Then who the fuck are you?” he asked. Farrah stood up and got ready to jump back on Linda’s bike so she could get as far away from this psycho man-bitch as fast as possible.
“Ummm….My name is Farrah Fawcett.” She had her shirt back on and hands firmly on the bicycle’s handlebars, which was no longer tied up.
“YOU! You’re the one who had me locked away in the psych wing of that Los Angeles hospital!”
“Hey! Unless you’ve travelled through time, that was four years ago!”
“NO! I travelled back four years to save Michael Jackson, realised I was there too early and decided to resurrect Elvis instead! UGGH!” He started to run at Farrah, who then rode away from him as fast as she possibly could. After almost running at least a dozen people over with the borrowed bicycle, Farrah was eventually sure he had lost sight of her. She then noticed two familiar people at a café, one of them being an armless redhead with her feet on the table. Slowly, she wheeled over to them, quite tired from everything now that the adrenaline had worn off.
“And then I said, ‘Elvis Presley’s virginity is mine!’” the redhead declared, and looked up. “Hey Farrah! I didn’t see you there!”
Farrah giggled, partly because of what she just overheard. “Hi Strawberry, I borrowed Linda’s bicycle to go to the beach but some weird transvestite started chasing me so I came here.”
“Guten tag Farrah, do you remember me?” It was Ursula! “Hahaha, first Bad Wiesse, then Terminus space station and now I see you here! Strawberry told me everything!”
“So it really was you!” Farrah hugged her, and said, “What were you doing on Terminus?”
“I decided to leave Earth in the beginning of 2009 and came back here. I worked on Terminus for only two weeks to cover for someone else, I must say that it is a good thing that I have a universal currency converter.”
“You’re an alien?” Farrah had no idea that her sweet German doctor was not from Earth’s Germany.
“My mother is from Kos III so she brought me here with her, but my father is a Sontaran named Strax, he is on another Earth.”
“And Dr Vogl?” So this is why I couldn’t talk to them.
“Ugh….he was arrested, and in your timeline still in jail, because one night he decided to get drunk, break into a zoo and as he says, ‘easily’ get a kangaroo and a racoon to mate.” Farrah laughed at this, and thought, Why am I not surprised?
“Come and sit down with us!” Strawberry offered. “We haven’t been on our lunch break for long.” She sat down with them, then Strawberry asked her, “Was the transvestite a man with dark curly hair, and did he say anything about Elvis?”
“Yes…why?”
“That’s Frank N Furter! He’s out to get me and Elvis! Elvis is out busking for money and trying to get a regular job, but I didn’t know Frank’s here so I couldn’t warn him!” She paused. “Wait what were you guys doing?” The look on Farrah’s face told her everything. “You guys were going at it with each other?”
“Umm…Yeah….without protection…I didn’t know women could get him pregnant!”
“It’s okay, you probably didn’t, but if you want I’ll teach you how to avoid him and his child support.”
“Thanks”, Farrah said, and put her head on Strawberry’s shoulder.
Strawberry brushed her back with one of her arm-stumps. “Hey, friends keep their friends safe, it’s no big deal.”

Light years away and four years in the past, a fat man in a business suit sat at his desk, dialling a number. “Hello? I need some hitmen, I’ll fax the photos right now…Yes, I am *that* head of *that* hospital who worked for *that* company…you know my instructions…KILL FARRAH’S DOCTORS!”

8: Escape

Frank N. Furter was pissed. How could someone as formidable/awesome/*insert adjective here* as himself get assaulted and then imprisoned in a psychiatric ward by some silly humans? Anyway, it was all Farrah’s fault. She was the one who led those assholes to Dreg’s Den and avoided them so that he would be approached during their search and attacked for telling the truth! Also, it kinda was her fault that Elvis had left Earth for Strawberry’s planet, Kos III. Her planet was almost like 1950s Earth, with one difference being that gender roles were flipped…. the men were the ones who stayed home to take care of the children and suchlike because, despite looking and feeling human, the women got the men pregnant. Even though Farrah didn’t intentionally get him locked away, it was still her fault, and the fact that she knows Strawberry also makes her bad by association. Frank N. Furter wanted to get back at both of them, but his number one priority was his own escape. There were people everywhere, so how was he going to achieve that? He scanned the room, looking for any possible escape routes. The window? That was too dangerous. The air vents…no, too difficult, he’d easily get caught trying to climb into them. Using the elevators would be asking for trouble, because it was guarded, if it wasn’t he could still get caught if anyone wanted to use it while he was still going down, and then there was all the staff on the ground floor. There was, however, the fire stairs. They were never locked, and nobody paid much attention to them anyway. He slowly walked over as nonchalantly as possible, looked around to confirm that no staff were watching, then, as quickly and quietly as possible, opened the door and slipped out of the ward. Now, the only problem was where he had to go in order to actually leave the hospital. Frank noticed that the psych ward was on the fifth – the top – floor, so it was going to take him some time. However, as he creeped towards the stairs to go down a floor, he realised that there was a map to the exit. Okay, so that was another problem solved. He ran down every flight of stairs necessary, and finally got to open the door to freedom! Ha! Nobody can imprison me! He tore off the fugly hospital gown to reveal his usual sexy corset and fishnet set, and ran through the trees behind the hospital as fast as he could until he was sure he was not being followed. Despite his unusual appearance, he was not the most bizarre person one could find in Los Angeles; instead he was just another transvestite. This was why he lived there, because it was one of the most similar places on Earth to the planet Transylvania. Unfortunately, Rocky was made too dumb to drive a car, so Dr Furter had to run all the way back to his house, but at least he was faster than the majority of humans.

 

Back at the psych ward, everyone was aware of his disappearance. “What do you mean, he escaped?” a doctor yelled.

The blonde nurse answered: “I mean I came into his room and he was gone! Then I looked everywhere and couldn’t find him!”

“It’s not like he can just climb out the window! It’s not as if he could just take the elevator down to the ground floor and check out!”

“What about the fire stairs? They have to be left unlocked.”

The head of the hospital agreed. “Well we can’t keep them locked, it’s dangerous. I’ll get my ass sued if anything happens. As for Frank N. Furter, if he’s gone back to Roswell we can’t take him again, the government forbids any contact with the aliens there.”

The nurse looked at him. “Why? What if they’re planning to attack us?”

“It’s just policy, they found that if we leave the aliens alone, let them hang out in some remote area of Roswell, they’ll leave us alone. But we’ll definitely search the hospital and the most likely places around town for him to be hiding in.”

 

Eventually, while the people searching for him were looking in the gay clubs of Los Angeles, Frank N. Furter made it back to his house, a formerly abandoned mansion in the forest with rumours of being haunted. “Rocky!” he called out while banging on the door, exhausted, even feeling too tired for sex.

The handsome, brainless man opened the door. “Master!” he answered, and kissed his lover passionately. Okay, maybe Frank wasn’t too tired for a little sex, not if he let Rocky take the lead.

“Oh I DID miss this! Oh….how forceful you are! Come, let’s go inside.”

And so there was sex, and wine, and some pissed off people left behind.

7: Complications

[A/N: I challenge any fanfiction writer reading this to write something answering this: What would happen if all (or at least 5) of Farrah Fawcett’s characters met? (not the psychotic one who killed her kids, just the non-dangerous ones) My guess is they would probably do something illegal or at least be (adorable) pests. ]

 

“Ow!” Dex ran into a pole near the stairs of the alien club. “Dammit I was trying to be sexy!”

“No one else can see you but us, Dex”, Strawberry said and rolled her eyes. “Keep your glasses on next time so you won’t embarrass yourself.”

“They make me look like a dork!” he answered, rubbing his face and doing as he was told. Shakira laughed, so did Holly and Linda Lee, one of Strawberry’s friends who agreed to help out. She worked in Chinese medicine, and like Strawberry and Shakira, could choose her own hours. All five of them had gone out for dinner at the club in Dreg’s Den and were now on their way home. When they got back to their ships, they noticed someone running towards them. The pretty-boi in a suit saw them, yelled out “HEY!”, then tripped over. “Who are you?” Linda asked as the others stared.

He stood up and answered: “My name is Lawrence Piro.”

“And you are…..?

“Farrah’s former doctor, now I’m looking for her current ones”, he said with a touch of pride. Shakira’s eyes looked as if they were about to jump out of her head. “YOU BASTARD!” she yelled, smacking him across the face, “YOU FUCKING POISONED HER WITH THAT CHEMO CRAP WHEN THERE ARE OTHER WAYS AND ALL IT DID WAS MAKE HER WORSE!”

“Do you think I enjoyed it? The pharmaceutical companies have my entire profession BY THE BALLS so if I even SUGGEST anything other than chemo, radiation or surgery I’ll lose my licence and get my ass thrown in jail! They don’t even want us knowing about nutritional medicine!”

Shakira paused. “So you are on our side?” she asked, her pride a little damaged by the fact that she misjudged someone yet again.

“Yes. Yes I am” he answered, with his hand still on his face. “And I take it that one or more of you are her new doctors?”

Strawberry replied with “Except for Holly, yes we all are”, because it was bordering on impossible for someone to stick to such a precise nutritional therapy all on their own if they didn’t have the energy to do all the cooking/shopping/cleaning, and appropriate hired help was impossible to find on their planet.  She didn’t feel like explaining this to him, and would have preferred to write the web address of the Gerson Institute* on his face, as she didn’t currently have much respect for him either.

“Uhh…how did you know we were here?” Holly asked, getting a little creeped out.

“Farrah said where she was in her video diary on YouTube.” Dex  facepalmed, then Lawrence continued, “I’m sure she didn’t know that her YouTube habit would get any of you in trouble.”

Holly then squeaked, “What do you mean by trouble?” Shakira immediately started thinking about the Time Lord police, who didn’t approve of anyone using a TARDIS to change anything in the universe whether it involved time travel or not. She was sure she was being followed earlier today when she went to see Jill Munroe. It seemed to be a law of the universe that Shakira had to be the doctor of all the non-psychotic versions of Farrah.  

“You know how certain companies will stop at nothing to protect their empire? Well they aren’t too pleased that someone so willing to share what she’s doing about her health problems with the world is healing herself naturally, because it can’t be patented, so they got the hospital to take her power of attorney.”

“THEY DID WHAT?” everyone yelled at the same time.

“Yeah, it’s kinda unsafe for her to go back to Los Angeles. They can legally force her to go back on chemo and to stay away from nutritional therapies.”

“Hey what’s going on out here?” Farrah appeared at the TARDIS door in a silk nightie, and then Lawrence explained everything, including why he was now on their side, so she could trust him.

She was understandably shocked. “……what? Why did they do that? Where can I go?”

“You can stay with me, and you can bring any of your friends over any time”, Shakira offered, fingering the scarf that was draped over her head and matched her purple and green salwar kameez, “you can bring your son over sometimes too if you want.”

“Hey no one knows where I live, when you miss home you can stay with me too”, Dex said.  

Shakira looked over at Holly. “You want to go inside to continue talking about what we’re going to do about this?”

“Yes it’s getting cold out here”, the blonde said, her flimsy white dress blowing in the desert breeze. They all went inside Shakira’s TARDIS to her guest room, unknowingly saving themselves from the head of the hospital where Lawrence worked and where Farrah had spent too much time. The bald, overweight man and his two assistants, one an attractive brunette and the other a 30-something man with sharp features, were showing photos of Lawrence and Farrah to denizens of Dreg’s Den, and trying not to jump when they noticed the ones who didn’t look human. “And remember, DON’T tell anyone about these aliens! The government has ordered all its departments and anyone who goes here to keep quiet and leave them alone!” the head whispered to his assistants on arrival.

“Excuse me, umm…Madam? Sir?” the female assistant asked. “Have you seen either of these people? We’re looking for them.”

“I prefer ‘madam’…..”, he winked, “and have you seen….this man?” Frank N Furter asked, producing a photo of Elvis Presley and giving her a dramatic look.

“That’s Elvis Presley! He died years ago!” said the woman, confused.

“I know, I brought him back to life….hahaha!”

“Okay I know this place is crawling with aliens but I don’t believe what you’re saying. You obviously have no grasp on reality.” By this time, the head had become aware of their conversation.

“How DARE you question my scientific skills and how DARE YOU insinuate that I, Dr Frank Nigel Furter, am mentally unstable! OW!” The head attacked him from behind, whacking him over the head with a baseball bat originally intended for Farrah’s doctors (who the fuck else?). “We’ll take this one back to the psych ward, maybe he knows something, but he sure needs to be locked away.” And so, accepting their temporary failure, they tied up Frank N Furter, put him in the boot of their car and started to drive back to Los Angeles.

 

*That would be: http://gerson.org/gerpress/

5: Differences

“How long have you been a doctor now Shakira?” Farrah asked as Shakira was putting on her makeup.
“For more than seventy years! I’m 99 now…do you remember? I was expected to just get married and have children, but I love being independent and helping people, being a mother is not for me.”
Farrah turned around. “I think you guys are so lucky, because you don’t age.”
“Of course we are!”
Putting her beanie on, Farrah said: “I’ve had some work since I last saw you…until I got sick…you know what happened.”
“When I read your medical records, I thought: OW! MY SOUL! So I know….every detail.” Shakira finished with her makeup and put her things away.
“Someone’s knocking on the door” Farrah touched Shakira’s shoulder to get her attention. “You should answer the door.” She walked over to the door of her TARDIS and opened it. “Salaam aleikum Strawberry! I heard you came here early…you can come inside”
Strawberry gave a perverted smile. “Yes I did….I like Dex, we’re friends now too.” Farrah came to meet her. “Hey I’m Strawberry Fields, just so you know I do everything with my feet because –“
“You don’t have any arms!”
It was true. Strawberry was born with short stumps instead of proper arms, so she had to learn to do everything with her feet, and to a lesser extent, her mouth.
“No I don’t, but I have feet gloves! I get them from a planet where they have four feet instead of two hands and two feet, because we travel through time and space we see a lot of species with different sets of senses and limbs and stuff, so we don’t have disability discrimination.” They walked into Shakira’s spare bedroom, while its owner waited outside. Strawberry put her bag down, jumped onto the bed then removed her shoes and replaced them with feet gloves. This exposed her frilly underwear from under her 1950s style dress; she really did look like a red haired Marilyn with her hair somehow styled in that manner.
“So how are you compared to a few days ago?” she asked, legs in lotus position and flipping her hair back with one arm stump.
“Well I was actually able to eat something yesterday! And I have more energy and Shakira says my heart and breathing aren’t slow like they were yesterday and when I first came here. She said it could have been from the morphine.”
Strawberry’s eyes widened, for she disapproved of morphine and wondered why some people still don’t use the alternatives that never make her job harder. They talked some more, and Farrah’s medical history, which Shakira sent her earlier, was so depressing that Strawberry started crying and wanted to hug her, but Farrah wanted to comfort Strawberry instead of it being the other way around. Strawberry looked at her watch, which she wore as an anklet. “I think I’d better examine you now” she said.
“What the fucking hell? He let it get this bad? Don’t worry I’ve seen cases like this cured, but I’ve only seen them in people coming from places with names like Forbidden Zone and other hopeless sounding names” she said while in a position requiring a considerable amount of core strength, flexibility and mental maturity.
“I thought I could trust him to take care of me but now I know that he should have known better…you know there are photos of him on the internet posing like a model?”
“Wanker…also your radiation burns make you look like you went to the Forbidden Zone.” Strawberry rolled her eyes and took her gloves off. “I think that besides just eating the cannabis oil, you should apply it directly to the tumours, but I can’t show you how today because I don’t have my suppository moulds, so maybe some other time I will. As for your ex-doctor, I’m the Greatest Lover in The Galaxy so let’s see him beat that!”
“Thankyou…wait you’re what?”
“There’s a website where people vote for the greatest lover…I knocked this mad scientist named Frank N Furter down to second place and he didn’t take it well” she laughed.
“Hey! Strawberry! Someone outside says that someone’s here to see you! He says it’s really urgent and to get out here now!” Shakira yelled from outside the room.
“Really? I guess I gotta go now” Strawberry said, then picked up her bag. She left the TARDIS and soon found out who was so desperate to see her.
“Strawberry!”
She gasped. “ELLLLVIIIIIIIIS! I thought you were dead, and you look amazing for someone who must be so old!”
“I was, then Frank N Furter brought me back to life! He’s out to get me, and everyone’s saying that he’s here!”
“Well come on back to my Mustang, I’ll get us back to my homeworld, and my own time because this is 4 years into the past for me.” She was so happy to see her former lover, one of her all-time favourites, alive again. They ran back to her Mustang, which obviously could travel through time and space despite it’s appearance, and started to kiss passionately, among other things. Little did they know, two women belonging to an odd group of superheroes who called themselves the ‘Medikidz’ were watching. Nobody with diseases or sick family members were appearing on their stalker-vision computer, so instead they were spying on Farrah’s doctors, because an armless proctologist having sex with Elvis Presley was better than what was on their TV.
“Oh…Strawberry! I certainly missed THIS! I still remember when you took my virginity all those years ago!” he said, unaware of their stalkers, but that was okay because the Medikidz were also wanted for countless charges of vandalism so it was inevitable that they would eventually be punished for their stupidity.

A/N: http://cannabisnationradio.com/corrie-yelland

1: Resurrection

Frank N. Furter turned off his “vintage” television set. Michael Jackson rehearsing for his tour, blah blah…Farrah Fawcett in hospital, sad, but he didn’t really care…Billy Mays yelling at him to buy something, fuck off…now it was time for him to actually get some work done. He had trained Rocky very well in being a scientist’s assistant, but his handsome sex slave was too stupid to do most of the work, unlike Riff Raff the last time. The fucking bastards had abandoned him and Rocky 30 years ago, and that Columbia ran off to become a successful dancer. Whatever, she was an irritating little slut, just like that Strawberry Fields bitch who had just stolen the title of Greatest Lover in the Galaxy from him. Well, she wasn’t going to steal any limelight from him now, no, tonight he was aiming for fame by reviving the frozen Elvis Presley! It took considerable effort to find and take him, all frozen in carbonite at the bottom of a depressing mausoleum in a depressing graveyard, but it was fucking worth it. He had shown off the frozen Elvis to various alien guests, and now wanted to bring him to life and take all the credit for it. Resurrecting a legend had to be worth a Nobel Prize or something AND getting recognised as the greatest scientist Earth had ever seen! Frank rode his lift to the lab while striking a sexy pose, despite the fact that nobody was watching. “Rocky!” he greeted the blonde like one would greet a charming husband, “is everything ready for the king’s….resurrection?” He smiled and wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, and they paused to admire each other, both as young and beautiful as the day Rocky was brought to life.

“Yes, uh, madam”. Rocky learnt to never call him “sir”, ever.

“Good.” He put on his green coat and mask over his usual black corset. His lab was minimalistic, like all labs, except for the giant rainbow flag hanging on one wall. On the floor was Elvis, still imprisoned by the carbonite slab. The aliens who preserved him in case any others wanted to bring him back had done a very good job of it; however, they would not be getting any credit, partially because Frank did not know who they were.

Frank moved over to the laser’s control board. He selected the “heat” setting, as he simply needed heat to vaporise the carbonite, and guided the laser beam around Elvis to avoid injuring him. It was quite obvious that Frank was enjoying this, bringing the dead back to life was a fucking ego boost. As the carbonite disappeared, much like dry ice, Frank walked over to get a closer look. He smiled and thought: hello there, you look better than what I expected. The aliens who froze him even dressed him, in a 50’s black suit with a green satin tie, which Frank deemed unnecessary. “Rocky!” he yelled, once again trying to sound like a woman from an old ‘50s film.

“Yes boss?”

“Get the defibrillator!” he said with some kind of dramatic look on his face.

“Yes boss” he answered, and did exactly as he was told so his boss could restart Elvis’ heart. Three minutes of CPR followed this, and since it sometimes did resemble pashing, yes Frank was getting off on doing it. Then, Elvis opened his eyes.

“Who’s there? I can’t see anything!”

“Someone who loves you”, Frank said with a deceptively feminine voice, and kissed him for real this time.

“Ginger? Is that you baby?”

He laughed silently, answered with a “Yes, dear” and kissed him some more. Unfortunately for Frank, the blinding effects of the carbonite were quickly wearing off, and Elvis realised that he was not making out with Ginger.

Elvis screamed. “You’re not Ginger, you’re a MAN dressed like a woman!”

“I’m not much of a mayyun, honey, I’m a Sweet Transvestite…from Transsexual, Transylvania…haha!”

“You trying to rape me weirdo?”

“But you liked it, didn’t you?”, he smiled.

“NOT ANYMORE AND GET AWAY FROM ME!” By now, Elvis had the strength to roll out of Frank’s reach, get up and run like hell out of the castle doors, not before stealing some money. He ran to the nearest convenience store, because technically he hadn’t eaten anything in 32 years. After buying and eating a cheeseburger and coke, he noticed an unclaimed motorbike, hotwired it, and started his journey to Dreg’s Den, a place in Roswell where alien time travellers (well the ones who illegally change the past), space pirates and general rebels come to hang out and hide out undisturbed by the US government and every faction of law enforcement. He knew that by going there, he would be able to meet the only person who would believe that he was alive again.