32: Hidden Plans

“Where do we have to go again?” The Italian pretty-boy whispered into the ear of his co-conspirator.

“The head office, any others we think are important.” The light from the cafeteria ceiling reflected off of Dex’s glasses. Shakira was out that night, so she gave him and Lawrence instructions on obtaining more information of whatever was going on. Assassination plans, propaganda agendas, the numbers she found, anything was helpful at this point. Farrah was too terrified of capture to assist her doctors, which was reasonable because this was mostly about her. Suddenly thinking of her, Lawrence suggested, “The oncology department? I don’t look out of place there.”

“And it’s safer…..they probably have the head office booby-trapped now…hehe boobies.”

“You have to be childish when we’re doing something dangerous”, Lawrence said, rolling his eyes.

“You don’t think I’m scared? I overheard their plans to finish off Michael Jackson; they don’t leave any opportunities for failure, not anymore at least.”

“Come on, we’re going to oncology and there’s a mastectomy patient who’s making you fit right in.” The two men quietly proceeded to the oncology department, first needing to take the elevator.

“Farrah’s file?” Dex half-whispered.

“Yeah, seeing as I don’t ‘need’ it anymore”, Lawrence answered. Once they arrived, they kept a low profile, not looking anyone in the eye. “It’s in my office”, he added. Opening the door, he paused to look around for assassins, traps and so on, before sliding up to the filing cabinet and shoving his hand into the section labelled “F”. Eventually, his fingers walked themselves to ‘Fawcett, Farrah’, and he pulled this folder out from among the others it was sandwiched between.

“Anything different?” Dex whispered, his eyes darting around to check for any intruders.

“Her records haven’t been changed, except for…..Oh GREAT! They added the original scan to the altered ones from her false diagnosis!” Pissed off, Lawrence held up the originals so Dex could see them.

His eyes jumped out of his head, then he asked, “Were the sticky notes there before?”, pointing to a couple of notes with their yellow corners poking out of the file. Lawrence opened to the page that one was stuck to, and read out “5821435. Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, Shakira told me about a similar number that fell out of assassination plans!”

“Phone numbers? No, they are only seven numbers, could they be a code?”

“I have no idea…what’s this?” He pulled off another note, adhered directly behind the note with the number. “Atyrau. Find and destroy all information? This just keeps getting worse!”

“So….the numbers are connected to a place called Atyrau?” Dex was equally confused. It *was* getting worse, first Farrah was diagnosed with cancer, then her latest diagnosis turned out to be faked, then her doctors, including him to a lesser extent, became assassination targets so she would lose all protection and actual care. And now wherever the fuck Atyrau is has become the latest potential target of the pharmaceutical industry’s goons because of information that didn’t even make sense to doctors!

“Snap out of it”, Lawrence hissed, clicking his fingers in front of Dex’s face, as thinking about these things caused him to space out completely. “There’s another note with what the room number of a storage closet would be.”

The two men then cautiously took the elevator down to the hospital’s lowest level where Farrah had her last MRI. Next to that room was the storage closet mentioned on the note. Lawrence opened the door by a crack to check for more traps, and when he was satisfied with what safety he had, fully opened the closet door. Inside were a mop, extra spill kits and various cleaning products. They split the containers between themselves, searching for any more files; Dex even searched the mop and the insides of the spill kits. It was also Dex who rummaged through the last container, but the only writings of any kind was something scrawled onto the bottom in black marker. It read “SURPRISE!” with a cheeky smiley face next to it.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!” Both men screamed, fearing that this meant ‘Surprise! There’s a bomb in here, or possibly assassins waiting for you, since we knew you’d find this, now you’re going to die!’ They bolted for the fire stairs, as usual, and raced for the exit of the hospital. Their hearts stopped as they noticed a car parked on the grass………and realised that it was Ursula’s time-spaceship, which took the form of a blue Chevrolet, and unlike Shakira’s TARDIS, was not bigger on the inside. Now, they ran towards her car, as they could see Ursula sitting inside it, reading something.

“Guten abend!” she cheerfully called out. “What are you doing here?”

“We were looking for more information but all we found were these”, Lawrence said, producing the sticky notes he stashed away.

“That’s more than what I found”, she admitted. “All I have in here are newspaper clippings and a very unclear set of directions. What is Atyrau? Do you know? It sounds like somewhere Shakira said she went on a trip to in her sponsored student days.”

“I don’t remember that from any of her stories, but one of the notes we found mentions it too….something about destroying information there?”

“What are the newspaper clippings?” Dex asked.

“Some are of Farrah from these last few years, some are of alternative doctors in South America and the Central Asia, a few are of Michael Jackson in East Europe”, she answered. “I don’t know if they mean anything or are trying to waste our time…but who knows then?”


15: Shakira is Not Amused

Shakira sat with her laptop and nothing better to do than waste time. For several reasons, including a pregnancy scare, Jill Munroe had an endometrial ablation that day, so Shakira was just waiting for her to wake up. Saghira offered to help, because she was getting really bored of being a housewife, but had to call her cousin Fawzia, who was going to help her start her career as a beauty therapist. I wonder what this “fanfiction” thing is, Shakira thought, and decided to read some from Farrah’s Earth, where Jill was seen as purely fictional. She found a whole series of Charlie’s Angels stories from some Swedish woman with an unpronounceable username, and started to read from the first instalment. ‘What is this? Jill, pregnant? Oh come on!’ she thought, and chose to review the thing.
“Part of writing well is keeping your characters in character! This, however is not in character! Jill would not get herself pregnant. For years she has come to me for help with avoiding pregnancy. Many times she has told me how much she wants to avoid having a baby! What the hell is your problem? Like me, she is CHILDFREE. If that is not in any published dictionary, look it up on the internet. Like me, she does not want to lose her freedom by having children because of the loss of independence which is NOT ALWAYS temporary! Why would you clip her wings by getting her pregnant? I know her and she would be complaining constantly about not being able to play tennis and all the other things she is always doing, so she would get very annoying very quickly.
PS Your grammar is terrible and yes my TARDIS translator is working perfectly.
She hit ‘post comment’, not caring about whether or not it would stay in English or turn to the Spanish she wrote it in, but whatever, it was a common language on Earth too. Admittedly, the other stories in the series were quite cute and funny, but Jill becoming a mother was too out of character. After reading some poorly-written slashfic about Kelly and Sabrina and searching the meaning of “OTP”, Shakira found another story that seemed interesting. It was called “Divinity”, written by a “glambothefirst”; while it was a long story already, the 9-chapter tale was still incomplete, but the bored doctor was curious. She actually enjoyed the story, and was quite wrapped up in it, until the end of the last chapter…
“What the fuck?” she said out loud. It sounded like Jill had died at the end of chapter 9, and Shakira was not having any of it. Sure it was just a fanfiction, but she was in a bad mood. This was partly because the surgery she had just performed was incredibly tedious on account of how repetitive it was, all it involved was burning off endometrial lining – not just in the uterus where it belongs but in inappropriate/fucked up places outside of it, and partly because her parents were being annoying. They wanted her to marry Lawrence RIGHT NOW instead of in a year or two, because they knew his life was in danger and because they wanted grandchildren from her. Theran women lose their ability to get pregnant once they turn 100, and Shakira is 99 –she does not have to worry about menopause, however, because their ovaries only produce hormones specific to pregnancy – but even though around 1 in 5 infertile Theran women gain the ability to impregnate men, her parents thought this was ‘unnatural’ and wanted children from her *specifically*. Before Shakira landed in Jill’s house, she was with Farrah, as the blonde was meant to have another IV vitamin C infusion since it was the best thing for her decimated immune system. Shakira was going to read to her, as she often did, but her phone rang, and upon answering the call she was met with half an hour of parental harassment. Lawrence was getting harassed by his mother too, but it didn’t make her feel any better about it. Once again, she took out her frustrations on random internet strangers who may or may not even read her bitching.
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KILL OFF JILL????? If that happened to her in real life, I would go back to make sure it never happened in the “real” timeline! I would stop the evil operations of the so-called nurses with Sontaran weaponry (Ursula would let me use some of her father’s) and a one-way ticket to Stormcage or some other jail, then I would meet Jill and Kelly there. Why? Because NO ONE AND NOTHING is allowed to murder Jill or Farrah or any of the other versions of them under MY care. I forbid it!
She hit ‘post comment’ again, and tried to look for another actually good story. Unfortunately, the one she noticed was highly unlikely to be well-written. The description read: ‘LOL im on a conspiracy form n they r sayin that farrah fawcett doesnt have cancer n she has nu doktas nao so i wunted 2 ship dem cuz i seen themon youtube n stuff Lol.’ WHAT IS THIS?, Shakira thought, and clicked on this one out of curiosity. It was horrifying. This is the last one then I am reading good stories only.
I am completely disgusted by whatever this thing is! THIS IS NOT A G RATED STORY! That is the most idiotic plot (what plot is there?) I have ever read! NO I will not perform anatomically impossible sex acts with Dr Vogl and there IS NO WAY that Farrah and Ursula would ever do those things together as they are both straight! I have no problem with female/female pairings but explicit sex involving real people is several varieties of wrong!
This is the worst story I have read here and that is saying something. I hate your grammar, spelling, punctuation (where?) and worst of all the plot of this ‘slashfic’. Become literate but don’t even think about writing fanfiction again!
Just as she had posted her review, she felt Jill’s fingers brush against her arm.
“Where am I?” Shakira could barely hear this, but she read her lips.
“Me and Saghira carried you to your bed…everything went perfectly.” She sat on Jill’s bed and held her, as she was also friends with her, and forgot all about the poorly-skilled writers she had encountered. It didn’t take long for Jill to start acting like herself again, and soon Shakira and Saghira left her with her Police Academy friends, Sabrina and Kelly.

7: Complications

[A/N: I challenge any fanfiction writer reading this to write something answering this: What would happen if all (or at least 5) of Farrah Fawcett’s characters met? (not the psychotic one who killed her kids, just the non-dangerous ones) My guess is they would probably do something illegal or at least be (adorable) pests. ]


“Ow!” Dex ran into a pole near the stairs of the alien club. “Dammit I was trying to be sexy!”

“No one else can see you but us, Dex”, Strawberry said and rolled her eyes. “Keep your glasses on next time so you won’t embarrass yourself.”

“They make me look like a dork!” he answered, rubbing his face and doing as he was told. Shakira laughed, so did Holly and Linda Lee, one of Strawberry’s friends who agreed to help out. She worked in Chinese medicine, and like Strawberry and Shakira, could choose her own hours. All five of them had gone out for dinner at the club in Dreg’s Den and were now on their way home. When they got back to their ships, they noticed someone running towards them. The pretty-boi in a suit saw them, yelled out “HEY!”, then tripped over. “Who are you?” Linda asked as the others stared.

He stood up and answered: “My name is Lawrence Piro.”

“And you are…..?

“Farrah’s former doctor, now I’m looking for her current ones”, he said with a touch of pride. Shakira’s eyes looked as if they were about to jump out of her head. “YOU BASTARD!” she yelled, smacking him across the face, “YOU FUCKING POISONED HER WITH THAT CHEMO CRAP WHEN THERE ARE OTHER WAYS AND ALL IT DID WAS MAKE HER WORSE!”

“Do you think I enjoyed it? The pharmaceutical companies have my entire profession BY THE BALLS so if I even SUGGEST anything other than chemo, radiation or surgery I’ll lose my licence and get my ass thrown in jail! They don’t even want us knowing about nutritional medicine!”

Shakira paused. “So you are on our side?” she asked, her pride a little damaged by the fact that she misjudged someone yet again.

“Yes. Yes I am” he answered, with his hand still on his face. “And I take it that one or more of you are her new doctors?”

Strawberry replied with “Except for Holly, yes we all are”, because it was bordering on impossible for someone to stick to such a precise nutritional therapy all on their own if they didn’t have the energy to do all the cooking/shopping/cleaning, and appropriate hired help was impossible to find on their planet.  She didn’t feel like explaining this to him, and would have preferred to write the web address of the Gerson Institute* on his face, as she didn’t currently have much respect for him either.

“Uhh…how did you know we were here?” Holly asked, getting a little creeped out.

“Farrah said where she was in her video diary on YouTube.” Dex  facepalmed, then Lawrence continued, “I’m sure she didn’t know that her YouTube habit would get any of you in trouble.”

Holly then squeaked, “What do you mean by trouble?” Shakira immediately started thinking about the Time Lord police, who didn’t approve of anyone using a TARDIS to change anything in the universe whether it involved time travel or not. She was sure she was being followed earlier today when she went to see Jill Munroe. It seemed to be a law of the universe that Shakira had to be the doctor of all the non-psychotic versions of Farrah.  

“You know how certain companies will stop at nothing to protect their empire? Well they aren’t too pleased that someone so willing to share what she’s doing about her health problems with the world is healing herself naturally, because it can’t be patented, so they got the hospital to take her power of attorney.”

“THEY DID WHAT?” everyone yelled at the same time.

“Yeah, it’s kinda unsafe for her to go back to Los Angeles. They can legally force her to go back on chemo and to stay away from nutritional therapies.”

“Hey what’s going on out here?” Farrah appeared at the TARDIS door in a silk nightie, and then Lawrence explained everything, including why he was now on their side, so she could trust him.

She was understandably shocked. “……what? Why did they do that? Where can I go?”

“You can stay with me, and you can bring any of your friends over any time”, Shakira offered, fingering the scarf that was draped over her head and matched her purple and green salwar kameez, “you can bring your son over sometimes too if you want.”

“Hey no one knows where I live, when you miss home you can stay with me too”, Dex said.  

Shakira looked over at Holly. “You want to go inside to continue talking about what we’re going to do about this?”

“Yes it’s getting cold out here”, the blonde said, her flimsy white dress blowing in the desert breeze. They all went inside Shakira’s TARDIS to her guest room, unknowingly saving themselves from the head of the hospital where Lawrence worked and where Farrah had spent too much time. The bald, overweight man and his two assistants, one an attractive brunette and the other a 30-something man with sharp features, were showing photos of Lawrence and Farrah to denizens of Dreg’s Den, and trying not to jump when they noticed the ones who didn’t look human. “And remember, DON’T tell anyone about these aliens! The government has ordered all its departments and anyone who goes here to keep quiet and leave them alone!” the head whispered to his assistants on arrival.

“Excuse me, umm…Madam? Sir?” the female assistant asked. “Have you seen either of these people? We’re looking for them.”

“I prefer ‘madam’…..”, he winked, “and have you seen….this man?” Frank N Furter asked, producing a photo of Elvis Presley and giving her a dramatic look.

“That’s Elvis Presley! He died years ago!” said the woman, confused.

“I know, I brought him back to life….hahaha!”

“Okay I know this place is crawling with aliens but I don’t believe what you’re saying. You obviously have no grasp on reality.” By this time, the head had become aware of their conversation.

“How DARE you question my scientific skills and how DARE YOU insinuate that I, Dr Frank Nigel Furter, am mentally unstable! OW!” The head attacked him from behind, whacking him over the head with a baseball bat originally intended for Farrah’s doctors (who the fuck else?). “We’ll take this one back to the psych ward, maybe he knows something, but he sure needs to be locked away.” And so, accepting their temporary failure, they tied up Frank N Furter, put him in the boot of their car and started to drive back to Los Angeles.


*That would be: http://gerson.org/gerpress/

6: ‘Baby’ in a Box

A green kombi van materialised next to Shakira’s TARDIS. It belonged to her twin sister, Saghira, who had come to spend the day with Farrah because Shakira was going to work. Saghira looked exactly like Shakira except her curly hair was looser and she wore an abeya in public instead of just a salwar kameez, so you couldn’t see her hair anyway. She knocked on her sister’s door, and was answered in about 5 seconds.

“SALAAM ALEIKUM SISTERRRRRR!” they yelled at the exact same time while hugging each other really tight. “Are you leaving now?” Saghira asked.

“Yes I have to be there earlier than usual today, but we can spend time together tonight okay?”

“Sure!” Saghira was quickly re-introduced to Farrah before Shakira left for Holly’s world. Holly was also working today, and had mostly spent the last few days at home.

“You haven’t changed either” she said, because she had also met Saghira 30 years ago when she was hanging out with Shakira.

“Neither have you” Saghira smiled. “She told me about what Dex did for you…she said he was very handsome, do you agree? I prefer men with a bit of muscle but I don’t like them really big or too skinny either.”

“He is quite muscle-bound, I think you’d still like him, but he’s dating Strawberry” she answered.

“Oh I am married; I am not asking you to set me up with him!” I want to be a beauty therapist but I don’t know if he will support me. How will he respond when I tell him I enrolled for the diploma yesterday?

“Okay. Hey can you drive your one?” Farrah pointed at Saghira’s TARDIS.

She laughed. “Yes I can, that’s why I keep it in this form! Do you want to go into the town here?”

“Of course! I haven’t left Dreg’s Den since I got here.”

Saghira paused. “Hey does it hurt to have the intravenous vitamin C? And what did Shakira say was also in there to make the vitamin C work better?”

“I don’t remember, and I don’t notice anymore, I’m just used to that stuff now.” Farrah told her all about the surgery she had in Germany, which was still unavailable in the USA. Saghira was visibly upset by this, and wanted to hold her. “I am sorry!”

“You don’t have to be” Farrah said while in her arms.

So they drove out into the human-inhabited area of Roswell and were now exploring the town. As they walked past a relatively old house, Farrah noticed something small moving around in a cardboard box with a note attached. “Saghira!” she yelled, mispronouncing her name.

“What is it?” Saghira asked while following her over to the box.

“IT’S A KITTEN!” She picked up the fluffy little Aegean kitten and held it close. “What does this say? ‘We went to jail. Free to a good home’…..AWWWW I guess I can keep you!”

Saghira laughed. “What are you doing to name her?”

“I’m gonna name her Alice. My character in a movie I did about 10 years ago had a pet piglet named Alice.”

“She is so cute!” Saghira said, then Alice meowed at her, looked up at her new “parent”, then meowed again.  

Farrah looked down at her new ‘baby’. “I guess we should go to the pet store now, I don’t have any food or anything for her.” They got directions to the closest pet store and drove there, because Farrah was now too tired to walk.

Saghira looked in her purse. “I don’t have any money that will be accepted here….”

Farrah said, “I have money, but just a little in cash”, because her original plans did not involve spending any money or currently standing in the cat section of a New Mexico pet store.

“Do you have a card?”

“Yeah.” She picked up a bag of kitten food, several cat toys and a book on how to care for cats, as Saghira was now holding Alice. When they got to the registers, there was a middle-aged woman and a teenage boy working there. The woman commented that Farrah looked familiar, but didn’t say anything about it after that as Farrah pretended to have no idea what she was talking about, while the boy said nothing and scanned her things. He named the total price and said nothing else, making the woman think: You better learn to show some manners if you want to keep working here, didn’t your mother teach you the word ‘thankyou’?, and suspiciously eyed Saghira. She knew about the war on Earth and expected strange looks because of her appearance, but she did not tolerate being looked at like she was a terrorist. However, unlike her sister, Saghira never started fights; she only ever defended herself in arguments as politely as possible.

Farrah and Saghira mostly spent the rest of the day playing with Alice, and Saghira did all the cooking and cleaning while Farrah was usually either resting or learning about how to take care of her kitten. Saghira didn’t mind because she could see how physically messed up her guest was, and since Farrah was her guest, she would even be expected to defend her if she was running from the law or if her life was in danger. Eventually, Shakira’s mahogany closet TARDIS landed.

Salaam aleikum!”

Wa aleikum salaam! How was work?”

“It was busy and interesting, how was your day?”

“We had a good time, we found a lost kitten!” 

Shakira saw little Alice perched on the lounge’s armrest, with Farrah watching her so she wouldn’t fall. “NAWWWWW it’s so adorable! What did you name the kitten?”

“Alice and she’s my kitten!” Farrah picked her up and brought her over so they could be properly introduced. “Alice, this is my friend Shakira”, she said and then giggled. Saghira stayed over for dinner, because her husband was also out that night, then went back to Thera,  leaving Farrah and Shakira with their new baby/”niece”.

5: Differences

“How long have you been a doctor now Shakira?” Farrah asked as Shakira was putting on her makeup.
“For more than seventy years! I’m 99 now…do you remember? I was expected to just get married and have children, but I love being independent and helping people, being a mother is not for me.”
Farrah turned around. “I think you guys are so lucky, because you don’t age.”
“Of course we are!”
Putting her beanie on, Farrah said: “I’ve had some work since I last saw you…until I got sick…you know what happened.”
“When I read your medical records, I thought: OW! MY SOUL! So I know….every detail.” Shakira finished with her makeup and put her things away.
“Someone’s knocking on the door” Farrah touched Shakira’s shoulder to get her attention. “You should answer the door.” She walked over to the door of her TARDIS and opened it. “Salaam aleikum Strawberry! I heard you came here early…you can come inside”
Strawberry gave a perverted smile. “Yes I did….I like Dex, we’re friends now too.” Farrah came to meet her. “Hey I’m Strawberry Fields, just so you know I do everything with my feet because –“
“You don’t have any arms!”
It was true. Strawberry was born with short stumps instead of proper arms, so she had to learn to do everything with her feet, and to a lesser extent, her mouth.
“No I don’t, but I have feet gloves! I get them from a planet where they have four feet instead of two hands and two feet, because we travel through time and space we see a lot of species with different sets of senses and limbs and stuff, so we don’t have disability discrimination.” They walked into Shakira’s spare bedroom, while its owner waited outside. Strawberry put her bag down, jumped onto the bed then removed her shoes and replaced them with feet gloves. This exposed her frilly underwear from under her 1950s style dress; she really did look like a red haired Marilyn with her hair somehow styled in that manner.
“So how are you compared to a few days ago?” she asked, legs in lotus position and flipping her hair back with one arm stump.
“Well I was actually able to eat something yesterday! And I have more energy and Shakira says my heart and breathing aren’t slow like they were yesterday and when I first came here. She said it could have been from the morphine.”
Strawberry’s eyes widened, for she disapproved of morphine and wondered why some people still don’t use the alternatives that never make her job harder. They talked some more, and Farrah’s medical history, which Shakira sent her earlier, was so depressing that Strawberry started crying and wanted to hug her, but Farrah wanted to comfort Strawberry instead of it being the other way around. Strawberry looked at her watch, which she wore as an anklet. “I think I’d better examine you now” she said.
“What the fucking hell? He let it get this bad? Don’t worry I’ve seen cases like this cured, but I’ve only seen them in people coming from places with names like Forbidden Zone and other hopeless sounding names” she said while in a position requiring a considerable amount of core strength, flexibility and mental maturity.
“I thought I could trust him to take care of me but now I know that he should have known better…you know there are photos of him on the internet posing like a model?”
“Wanker…also your radiation burns make you look like you went to the Forbidden Zone.” Strawberry rolled her eyes and took her gloves off. “I think that besides just eating the cannabis oil, you should apply it directly to the tumours, but I can’t show you how today because I don’t have my suppository moulds, so maybe some other time I will. As for your ex-doctor, I’m the Greatest Lover in The Galaxy so let’s see him beat that!”
“Thankyou…wait you’re what?”
“There’s a website where people vote for the greatest lover…I knocked this mad scientist named Frank N Furter down to second place and he didn’t take it well” she laughed.
“Hey! Strawberry! Someone outside says that someone’s here to see you! He says it’s really urgent and to get out here now!” Shakira yelled from outside the room.
“Really? I guess I gotta go now” Strawberry said, then picked up her bag. She left the TARDIS and soon found out who was so desperate to see her.
She gasped. “ELLLLVIIIIIIIIS! I thought you were dead, and you look amazing for someone who must be so old!”
“I was, then Frank N Furter brought me back to life! He’s out to get me, and everyone’s saying that he’s here!”
“Well come on back to my Mustang, I’ll get us back to my homeworld, and my own time because this is 4 years into the past for me.” She was so happy to see her former lover, one of her all-time favourites, alive again. They ran back to her Mustang, which obviously could travel through time and space despite it’s appearance, and started to kiss passionately, among other things. Little did they know, two women belonging to an odd group of superheroes who called themselves the ‘Medikidz’ were watching. Nobody with diseases or sick family members were appearing on their stalker-vision computer, so instead they were spying on Farrah’s doctors, because an armless proctologist having sex with Elvis Presley was better than what was on their TV.
“Oh…Strawberry! I certainly missed THIS! I still remember when you took my virginity all those years ago!” he said, unaware of their stalkers, but that was okay because the Medikidz were also wanted for countless charges of vandalism so it was inevitable that they would eventually be punished for their stupidity.

A/N: http://cannabisnationradio.com/corrie-yelland

4: Changing Faces

Holly leant over the bed to take Farrah’s hand, then licked it to get her attention.

“Hey! What did you do that for?”

They both giggled. “Because….!”

It was necessary to wait at least 2 weeks from the last round of chemo if one was going to start the Gerson therapy, so Shakira suggested that she had intravenous vitamin C every day for the next two weeks while they were waiting, because of the many relevant health benefits. After she had inserted the IV, she kissed Farrah’s cheek and left to call Zora, a former J’naii space pirate who owned a store selling many natural medicines, including and especially medicinal cannabis. However, Zora still went on the occasional raid, and despite leaving the room, Holly and Farrah could still hear Shakira talking to the genderless alien. When she came back, Holly asked: “You know how we have portable versions of things like the laser scalpel and instant healer that we use in plastic surgery? The healer has a setting for burns…you want me to heal your face? I wanted to ask last night but we had no time.”

“Really? That is wonderful! Of course you can!” Shakira had horrible red chemical burns on half of her face and hands because of the chemo, which made her want to punch Farrah’s oncologist.

“Okay!” Holly smiled and picked up the healer. She turned it on and slowly moved it over her friend’s hands, then her face, holding her hair back and watching the burns disappear instantly. “Does it feel any different?” she asked while turning the healer off.

“Yes it doesn’t hurt to move anything”, Shakira answered, then hugged Holly, “thankyou.”

As always, Farrah heard everything. “Could those make me look young again?”

“Sure!” Holly replied, “but I’d have to find someone trained in plastic surgery”.

Farrah gave them her phone. “Look under the notes and you’ll find someone named Dex Ramirez. He’s the better plastic surgeon I’ve seen.” Shakira dialled the number.

Salaam aleikum? This is Shakira Seddiqi…yes I am Farrah’s new doctor, yes she is off that chemo bullshit and doing something better. Yes she wants to see you, and I have something cool to show you. Where are you? Dreg’s Den? So am I! I will be right over there!” She hung up and said, “He is here, and says I can come over and get him” then left. Holly put her arm around Farrah and asked, “You any better than last night?”

“Yeah, just a little.”

“She says that the vitamin C will help fix your immune system, and all this other stuff I can’t exactly remember.”

“I remember everything she said.”

Shakira eventually returned with a sexy Latino man wearing a muscle shirt and thick glasses, which made him look like a nerd in his opinion, on top of his head.

Buenos dias Farrah how are you? I was just here spending the night with the lovely Strawberry Fields; her reputation is very accurate you know?” So she came in her time-spaceship a day early to troll for men, Shakira thought.

“That’s my proctologist! I see her tomorrow because she won’t be mean to me or Shakira for what we’re doing, unlike everyone else here!”

“Okay then you will see how beautiful she is. Like a red-haired Marilyn Monroe.” He put his glasses on and asked: “Now what is this cool thing you want to show me?”

“These things…Farrah wanted me to make her look young again but only a plastic surgeon can use the scalpel, and I don’t have a manual so Shakira can’t learn.” Holly handed the scalpel and healer over, and told him how to use them.

“I guess I can get started then? I’m sure it will be easy, you look just like her Holly” Dex said with his loud El Salvadorian accent. He sat down on the chair that Holly was previously occupying, and asked “Farrah can you take your beanie off, and Holly can you sit on the bed where I can see your face?”

Shakira walked over. “I’m going to see Zora now, she is in my timeline so I have to take us there, but you can stay here okay?” She went out to the TARDIS console to enter the right co-ordinates.

“Well I guess I will get started then”, he said to nobody in particular and turned them on.

“These are painless?” …

“Hehe Farrah most people I see at work close their eyes during surgery even though they don’t feel anything and you’re keeping them open”

“I’m used to this stuff, especially after the last few years”

“Yeah Shakira called your medical history a depressing novel” …

Soon, Dex had finished the surgery, and had Farrah looking exactly the way she did 30 years ago. Too bad the US government would be on his ass in about 5 seconds for using alien technology, even though they were human aliens.

“These are awesome Holly! I wish I was allowed to use them at work, they are painless and I could heal people instantly! Farrah you always healed very well, but I have known some people who had the most horrible recoveries.” Holly gave Farrah a mirror, then removed her IV because the bag that once contained the vitamin C was now empty.

“THANKYOUUU!” she yelled, and hugged Dex because she could now that both her arms were free.

“You’re welcome mi amiga” he answered. Just then, Shakira returned, and entered her spare bedroom where the others were, after returning the TARDIS to 2009 Dreg’s Den. 

Salaam al- Dex you are amazing! She looks just like she did the first time we were friends!” She ran over and embraced her friend while kissing her on both cheeks.

“Aww…thank you again… I must be going, Strawberry was expecting me to come back” Dex smiled and left the closet TARDIS, happy with life in general, as everything today had gone just perfectly.


A/N: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22963460



3: Reunion

“You gonna be alright Holly, like is it really dangerous to change the past?” asked Holly’s best friend, Diana 8.
“Yes! If anyone tries to kill us, Shakira has a gun and knows how to fight, okay? She said she might teach me to use a gun if I want to learn.” Diana was very protective of her friends, and she rescued Holly when she was injured during an attack by the Sandmen. Together they helped save the babies after the Domes collapsed.
“What the fuck is that?” Diana yelled as Shakira’s TARDIS, which took the form of a Victorian closet, materialised right in front of them.
Shakira stepped out of her closet TARDIS. “Salaam aleikum! You ready Holly?”
“I think I’m ready as I’ll ever be” she answered, both excited and nervous at the same time.
Diana thought: She is so loud! And what are those things in her ears? If they help her to hear, maybe they aren’t doing a very good job! She reminds me of David 7…I wonder what the sexy bastard is doing tonight, and said “Anyway, good luck Holly!”
“Thankyouuu!” Holly said, and entered the TARDIS. “What about you, are you ready for this?”
“My answer is the same as yours. I haven’t seen Farrah in years, 10 years for her and 14 years for me.” Shakira typed in the necessary co-ordinates, and there was a buzzing sound as they flew through time and space.
“And we are here!” she declared, the TARDIS stopping and audibly hitting the ground. Holly opened the doors, and found that they landed on a large patch of grass behind a massive, white-walled hospital, next to the carpark.
“So what are we gonna do?” she asked, still getting used to the fact that she had not only just travelled through space, but also time.
“We will find her room, give her these” –she held up a bunch of papers- “and get her out. Without getting our asses kicked. Remember?”
“Why is this so dangerous? It’s not like we’re kidnapping her. Oh…now I remember everything you said.”
“First of all, there is the Time Lord police, if they noticed the changes to the time line. Second, some of the most powerful people in the world don’t want anyone to know that cancer is curable already, especially by non-patentable means. I don’t want her to end up like Steve McQueen, or for us to end up like Max Gerson.”
“Okay…this is a weird planet” Holly replied, a little shocked at the attitudes of the rich and powerful. The Time Lord police were understandable; they were just authoritarian jerks. They left the TARDIS, then Shakira locked it and they proceeded towards the fire stairs.
She opened the door with a possibly bought, possibly stolen, sonic screwdriver. The fire stairs corridor carried sound everywhere.
“We have to whisper in here; she is on the third floor, west side, fifth room from the fire exit so it will be a long walk” Shakira said in the quietest voice possible.
“I’m nervous” squeaked Holly.
“So am I, this is not like anything I’ve done before…when you know them, it’s different.”
The two eventually reached the fire exit, or, entrance to the main part of the hospital. As it should be, the door was unlocked, so they were free to go inside. “Just act like we aren’t doing anything unusual” the Pashtun alien said while carefully looking around. When they had reached their destination, her heart and mind stopped once more. She was almost unable to stand seeing Farrah thoroughly fucked by cancer and chemo, and stood there shaking as Holly closed the door behind them. “Go on, you can do it, you’ve come this far” Holly whispered, nudging her new friend.
“Salaam aleikum, remember me?” Shakira said quietly. Farrah’s sparkling blue eyes fluttered open.
“I know that voice…..Shakira? Shakira Seddiqi? Is it really you?”
By this time, Shakira was crying again. “Yes it is me! I missed you, I love you so much, my sister!”
“It’s okay Shakira, don’t-”
“Don’t tell me not to worry about you! Just let me cry for you…”
They held each other for a while, and then Farrah asked, “What are you doing here?” in sign language, to show that she remembered what her friend had taught her, and to keep them out of trouble. If Shakira wasn’t touching her, she wouldn’t have believed that any of this was real.
“I have come to save you! If you want to live, you must come with me!” Shakira signed back and handed over the papers on the failure of chemo (therapy my ass!, she thought), the original timeline and the best alternatives.
“I can’t believe it, so they lied…or were at least lied to…”
“I am sorry, but yes, it is the truth.”
“I don’t want to spend another second here. Can you take this out for me?” Farrah held out her arm, showing the IV line delivering the prescribed chemo into the worst place possible.
“Of course I will!” Shakira signed as she knelt on the floor, gently removing the needle which she had been eyeing disapprovingly. “Your veins have almost collapsed!…OW!” she said out loud, because the chemo had dripped onto her hand, burning her. “FUCK!” She accidentally pulled the IV bag off its stand, resulting in it falling, breaking open and burning half of her face and both hands. “OW MY HANDS! OW MY FACE! WHAT GENOCIDAL BASTARD INVENTED THIS?? FUCKING NAZIS!!”
“Are you alright?” both Holly and Farrah asked at the exact same time.
“Yes, it just burns” she said, getting up to wash her face and hands. Farrah got out of bed to get her bags, pausing to stop herself from throwing up.
“I don’t think she’ll be okay to walk back to the TARDIS” Holly whispered to Shakira.
“I think you’re right” answered Farrah; she had surprisingly good hearing.
“Well there is an unguarded stretcher out there” Shakira mouthed and signed so both could understand her.
“You’re not gonna steal that are you?” Holly asked.
“I already have one, so no; I will just leave it out on the grass where our TARDIS is.”
“Okay” answered Holly as she picked up Farrah’s bags. Farrah made herself comfortable on the stolen borrowed stretcher, pulling her beanie over her eyes because of the perpetually bright hospital lights. “Can you open the fire door for me?” Shakira asked. Holly did some combination of creeping and running towards the door, then opened it just before Shakira could ram it with the not technically stolen stretcher. She ran after her new friends as fast as possible in order to catch up with them, which was hard because instead of slowing down when she reached the stairs, Shakira would jump on the stretcher and steer it. This wasn’t bothering Farrah at all, the anti-emetic medication had kicked in and she just held on tight. When they reached the second fire door, the momentum meant that this time, Shakira did ram the door open, and left it that way so Holly didn’t have to open it again. “THEY’RE FOLLOWING US!” she yelled as they raced across the grass back to the TARDIS.
“They won’t be following us anymore!” Shakira said back. She unlocked her TARDIS, then let Farrah and Holly in before she came in and had to lock it up to prevent the angry nurses from entering.
“Where are we going?” Farrah asked while sitting on the floor.
“Dreg’s Den in Roswell, no law enforcement goes there!” said Shakira. After typing in more co-ordinates, they were there in about five seconds.
“We’re safe now?”
“Great, I’m so tired.”
Holly looked to where she was sitting. “I’m not surprised; if you have no hair then I don’t want to know what that stuff did to you on the inside.”
“So am I, I could not sleep last night” Shakira helped Farrah stand up. “Let’s just go to bed now.”

A/N: http://www.naturalnews.com/039772_chemotherapy_treatment_cancer_clinics.html

“Environmental pollution is the underlying cause of 80% of all chronic degenerative diseases.” World Health Organization, 1974