29: Trespassing May Have Consequences

“Farrah you’re healing really well!” Strawberry piped up, surprised that damage she once thought to be permanent was reversing.

“Wait what? That’s great! Sorry I wasn’t paying attention…I wanted to ask you, how long does it take to make a baby on Transsexual?”

Strawberry froze at the mention of that planet’s name. “Th-there’s two months gestation and then seven months with the baby developing in an egg”, she said as she disposed of her feet gloves. “Has he sent you any more threats?”

Farrah sat up. “No, I wanted to visit the baby when Frank N Furter’s not around; I’m the one who got him pregnant…somehow.” Strawberry then fell off her chair, exposing her underwear with the cherries on them, and the white garter with the strawberry on it that she regularly wore. “Are you alright?” Farrah asked, reaching for one of the tied sleeves of her white coat.

“Sorry he just scares me! I’m not taking you, you’ll have to ask someone else!” She got up and wrote down some co-ordinates. “This is how to get to his house, I don’t know, ask Ursula.”

“Thanks for flying us to see the baby…egg…he or she is still my baby too!” Farrah poked Ursula as they began their descent onto the roof of the building where Frank N Furter lived. It was an obscenely tall apartment complex, and he lived in a penthouse that took up the entire top two floors, which was perfect for the outrageous parties he threw. The abandoned mansion he lived in on Earth was not noticeably larger.

“Don’t break anything this time!” Kate teased. “Ow!” Dex elbowed her in the face accidentally, as he and Thomas were trying to win some stupid game. He then uttered a quick “Sorry!” before getting back to whatever they were doing.

“I won’t touch anything this time so I’m not going to break anything!” she said, remembering what happened last time. They touched down on his personal landing strip, knowing that he wouldn’t be home until the next day.

“Tom!” Ursula handed over one of the rheon carbine guns, the smallest and easiest to use Sontaran weapon. “Protecting them is your job too.”

“Ja, I know…” he lowered his voice to a whisper. “I don’t trust Dex either.”

“Knowing Farrah, she will try on Dr Furter’s clothes and unintentionally set off an alarm”, she whispered back. They joined the others, who were waiting at the door to be let in, and then descended the stairs to Frank N Furter’s penthouse. As expected, Farrah found a pair of ‘Dr’ Furter’s shoes and one of his hats, then put them on and paraded around as if she were modelling them. She then strutted to a complicated looking machine he had in the middle of his living room for showing-off purposes and pretended to work on it. Flipping her still-short hair, she moved to another side of the thing…and then tripped onto it. The some-kind-of laser beam spun activated, spun around, and then hit Dex and Thomas, consuming them in a pink light. Seconds later, they had once more become visible, but as women! Their transformation was thorough enough that Dex had long, dark curls with a rose in it, a frilly gypsy style top and a short denim skirt, while Thomas had his clothes changed to a pantsuit and his hair into a short bob.

Farrah stood up with the help of a speechless Kate and a button-free area of the machine. “What….just…..”

Ursula laughed. “I am sorry Tom, I just always imagined this to be you if you were a woman!”

“HEY! It’s not funny!” they both yelled.

“Don’t worry! We will find a way to change you back!” Ursula began to look for a manual with the others, until Kate jumped up and read out: “The Sex Change Ray: A Surgery-Free Option for Transgender Transylvanians. Manual written by Dr Frank N Furter, the inventor.”

“What does it say?” Farrah asked, reaching out to flip through the pages.

“Go to the index!”

“R-Reversal. Page 120”, she read out as Ursula and the ex-guys joined them.

“Reversal of sex change is possible, however is often desired due to family and peer pressure. Therefore it is only possible to initialise with a DNA sample of the operator”, Ursula continued from the pages. “His hairbrush?” she added after a pause. Tom was the first to sprint off, looking for the bedroom or bathroom where Frank N Furter would keep his hairbrush. Farrah found a shelf of sex toys and Ursula found some exotic/frightening scientific equipment, but eventually Dex stumbled upon a bathroom, with a pink glittering hairbrush that had “Dr Frank N Furter” emblazoned onto it. “I found iiiiiit!” he happily yelled out in his now-female voice, as he was finally doing something useful and didn’t have to explain himself to Strawberry. Everyone rushed over, and Thomas asked “How do you know it’s his?”, after emerging from a guest bedroom.

“Well it has his name on it and there’s a note in the bathroom saying ‘touch my goodies at your own risk’, so it must be”, Dex answered.

“I think we should change back now, hmm?” Thomas suggested, aware of Dr Furter’s nature from Strawberry’s stories.

“While you’re turning back into men, can I go and see the egg?” asked Farrah, also wary of the time.

“Of course you can, but don’t be too long.”

Farrah, leading Kate by the hand, raced to the room where she found his egg/baby. Picking it up, she said softly: “Hey there…it’s your mommy…..I know your daddy won’t want me seeing you, so I’m gonna leave this for you”, she paused to leave a rattle underneath the blanket, with ‘From your mom, Farrah’, written on it, then continued, “I hope we meet again someday.” As she kissed the eggshell and held it for a few seconds, she thought she could feel the baby kicking gently at her face.

“You can’t help yourself, can you?” Kate asked, poking her.

“Nope…let’s get out of here before he comes back or I want to take back my…whatever this is.”

“I AM A MAN AGAIN!” Dex shouted as Farrah and Kate made their way back to the living room.

“I missed it too, and as a woman I think my sense of style was missing something”, Thomas agreed.

“So everyone is alright to leave now?” asked Ursula, thinking she could hear footsteps at the front door.

“YES!” was her answer, as everyone was increasingly on edge. Then, a knock at the front door, which functioned as a starting gun for something resembling a race back to the roof. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

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28: New Beginnings

“Shakira! Heyyyy!” the voice on the other end of Shakira’s phone rang out, as she tried to remember when she had given the woman her number.

“Salaam Joan, what is it?” It had been a few weeks since Joan was almost murdered, and she had made a full recovery. Shakira, on the other hand, was just relaxing at home on one of her days off, and Lawrence was back on Earth. In several Muslim countries on Thera, the answer to gender equality without ‘ruining’ their culture was to build massive women-only cities (Saudi Arabia’s idea, who else?), and since she had moved into one of these five years ago, she had to sneak him in to her house. A TARDIS, however, made this very easy.

“I’m starting pre-meds next week!” she yelled into Shakira’s ear. Already? That was fast, Shakira thought. She was close to Farrah and all of the versions of her under her care, but their universal habits of being loud and hyperactive sometimes got annoying.

“That’s wonderful! How are you feeling?”

“Much better! But my maid won’t stop fussing over me…um, I was gonna ask, can you help me study today? I have to read some things before I start but I can’t understand them all”, Joan continued, unable to stop yelling.

“That is alright with me, I don’t have anything to do today…what is it you are having trouble with?”

“Mostly the endocrine system. We have readings on anatomy and physiology.”

Shakira paused, and then sat up. “Joan I know of the perfect place that we can go! Get your notebook and camera, I will come right over.” They both hung up, Joan to find her camera and her college notebook, Shakira to put something hijab-appropriate on and fly her TARDIS to Joan’s house. Soon enough, she and her TARDIS, which resembled a mahogany Victorian closet, materialised in Joan’s living room.

“That was fast!” Joan sprung up from the couch as Shakira stepped out, with a satchel over her shoulder, but wearing her camera around her neck.

Shakira laughed. “I told you that TARDIS travel is fast!”

Joan’s maid entered, with a suspicious look on her face. “Don’t you get her in any trouble, alright?”

“Joan will be fine, I am her doctor, and the doctor of around two dozen other women who are almost identical to her! Besides I am helping her study, we are not fighting the Daleks on Skaro!”

Her maid stopped folding her arms, and put them on her hips instead. “Fine…..I still don’t trust you aliens…but I suppose you are some kind of different.”

Joan giggled. “I told you, she saved me! I’ll be okay”, she said, and kissed her on the cheek. As she walked towards the TARDIS console, looking around, Shakira closed the doors behind her. “Where exactly are we going?”

“A strange planet that seems to defy the laws of nature, as it resembles a human body. Sometimes I consider it to be enemy territory.”

“Why? You told my maid we were gonna be safe.”

“The five people I am speaking of are not dangerous, however they have stalked some of my friends and filmed inappropriate videos of them.”

“That’s disgusting!” Joan replied, still looking around the TARDIS as Shakira flew them to their destination. The last, and only, time that Joan was in the TARDIS was when she almost died from being poisoned, which didn’t give her any real opportunity to see it.

“And we are here”, Shakira said, interrupting Joan’s exploration of the console room.

Joan immediately closed a drawer that she was rummaging around in, and asked, “Do we need diving stuff?”

“No, not here…but my only warning is that if it looks electrically charged, don’t touch it!” Shakira locked her TARDIS as they both left; Joan snapped two polaroids: one of whatever was above them, the other mostly featuring her surroundings but also including part of her face. “Do you know where we are?”

She looked up. “We’re in the diencephalon…and that’s the thalamus, right? And over there is the hypothalamus?”

“Yes you are right…what do they do?”

“The thalamus controls things like consciousness and relays signals to the cerebrum…the hypothalamus isn’t just in control of temperature and thirst and stuff, but it produces hormones….like dopamine and ones that control the pituitary gland.”

“That’s correct.” Shakira smiled, and ran to catch up with Joan, who suddenly took off to get a picture of the pituitary gland’s entrance. It was surprising to see how much she had changed, when she still lived with her husband, she was quite mopey and only happy when with her horse. Now, there was a sparkle in her eyes, of new life and opportunity – a life where she wasn’t just wanted for her family’s money but for who *she* was and what she could do. Even during that rotten first night, which reminded Shakira of Farrah’s first night out of the hospital, Joan still had that sense of moving forward from her old life as a trophy. She peered down into the pituitary gland’s entrance, which didn’t look too unusual until some weird ‘local’ stuck his head out, while Joan finished writing something and stuck her now developed pictures into her book.

“And the pituitary gland produces these hormones, right?” Joan asked, pointing to something she had written.

“Yes…you’re doing really well actually, why did you think you needed help?”

“I don’t know…just reading stuff doesn’t help, I have to see it right in front of me, you can’t learn to ride a horse just by reading.”

“No, I wouldn’t try that! But you will have many practical classes when you become more advanced.” She paused, thinking she could hear someone. “Is there anywhere else you want to go, after you’re finished with your notes?”

“The thyroid and reproductive system are easy, but I can’t remember much on the adrenal glands.” Joan put her book back into her satchel and tightened her ponytail.

“Well there is a hovercraft over there”, Shakira suggested, pointing, “they leave things lying around a lot here; I don’t think they have much sense of personal property.”

Joan looked over at the hovercraft, a two-seated convertible that was similar in shape and colour to an over-the-counter painkiller. “Sure, if we won’t get in trouble”, she agreed and headed over to it. Shakira had to turn it on with her sonic screwdriver, which didn’t take long, and soon enough they had left the brain and were on their way to the adrenals. “Hey the thyroid gland! And those are the parathyroid glands! They make a hormone that increases the level of calcium in the blood, right?” asked Joan, as she pulled out her camera to take another picture.

“That’s right!” Shakira stopped hovering and continued to fly them to their destination. After Joan had asked again to stop so she could take a photo of the pancreas, they reached the planet-human-body-thing’s left adrenal gland.

“What’s that?” Shakira laughed, pointing at something Joan had written and circled in her notebook.

Joan giggled. “That’s just something I was told to help me remember the functions of the adrenal glands….’salt, sugar, sex, the deeper it goes, the sweeter it gets’! Mineralcorticoids, glucocorticoids and the sexual hormones such as DHEA!” She took out her camera to get a picture of the adrenal gland they had parked near.

“You know you could ask one of the local people to explain that in further detail”, Shakira said, and then paused. “Wait…maybe not…” She could hear the voices of a certain group of ‘superheroes’ with a history of stalking, including making a sex tape of one of her friends.

“What is it? Hey who are those guys?” Joan pointed to a group of five people making their way towards them, all dressed in red and white.

“They are my enemies, less dangerous than some, but they are stalkers who made a sex tape of one of my friends, and they only approve of pharmaceutical and surgical medicine so they have interfered with my own work several times.”

“HEY IT’S THE ONE WITH THE STICK UP HER BUTT!” shouted one of them, an obese imbecile obsessed with both food and its eventual fate in the human body.

Shakira facepalmed. “And they have noticed me.”

“Should we get out of here?”

“I was just about to ask the-“

“Let’s show her how effective chemo can really be! This is for letting out that kid taken by CPS and flying their family to Mexico! We don’t care if the kid went into remission by the way!” The asshole ‘heroes’ summoned a horde of tiny police officers intent on attacking Shakira; whether they intended on killing her, jailing her or just ruining her day was unknown.

“What child? I have never – not in the time you would be – that hasn’t happened yet! Anyway, you can never catch me!” She started the engines once more, propelling them to safety. Unfortunately, the tiny police were able to follow the hovercraft, as they had their own cars hidden somewhere.

“Joan can you take over?” Shakira asked, letting Joan take the wheel, and screamed, “How is THIS for being metabolised?” as she disabled their hovercars with her sonic screwdriver.

“No I want to fly us back, this is fun!” said Joan as she resisted Shakira’s attempt at taking back the steering wheel.

“Fine but I am giving directions….veer to the right….be careful!”

“Sorry!” Joan narrowly missed crashing, and began to steer more gently.

“Don’t hit that…just slightly turn left….follow that thing…now slowly…drive through there!….be very careful…almost…and we are here!” They had arrived back at the TARDIS, just in time, for the voices of the assholes and tiny police-things were once again audible, even to Shakira. The asshole horde had spotted them, but it was too late, as Shakira had unlocked her ship and slipped inside with Joan just before the leader(?) of the assholes directed the police-things to charge.

“Is there anywhere else you want to go?” Shakira asked.

“Let’s go home, I think we can study there…a big house with a maid beats being chased…OW!” The police and assholes were now shaking the TARDIS, thinking they’d just fall out or something stupid.

“I cannot disagree”, she replied, entering the co-ordinates to Joan’s asshole-free family home. Who thinks people will just fall out of TARDISes when you shake them anyway?

22: Not Exactly Superheroes

“You know what she’s thrown at me during her judgy mood swings?” Holly asked Shakira, as they were waiting for Strawberry to get ready to go out.
“No…what exactly?” Shakira adjusted her headscarf, which she decided to wear in a more fitted style for today.
“An empty can of tuna, a lit joint, an apple core and a cat.” Holly sighed. Normally, when an ex-Domes/New Washington woman got pregnant, she would have the baby transferred to one of the incubator jars in the crèches at about 4 months, but Jessica 6 and several friends decided to give birth to and raise their children themselves. Holly was a target for their bitchings, because until 3 days ago she was 18 weeks pregnant with twins and had them transferred.
“Why would she do that? You were pregnant too.”
“I’m different and that’s bad. She doesn’t understand that for me, motherhood isn’t freedom because I value my independence like you…and if being a mother is freedom then I don’t want her freedom.”
Shakira smiled a little. “Now you know a little of what it is to be judged for wearing hijab. Jessica judges me too, for both this and my choice to not have children”, she said, touching her scarf.
Their conversation was interrupted by Strawberry bursting into the room. “AAAAAAAAHH! I was just checking my email and someone told me that there is a dirty video of me on SpaceTube!”
“Strawberry this is why I told you-“
“No Shakira. This was one of me and Elvis; I don’t film myself having sex and neither does he!” She half-jumped onto the couch, a little like a rag doll. “I remember that day, it was the day I met Farrah, then Elvis found me…” she trailed off. “The channel belongs to some people who call themselves the Medikidz.”**
Shakira was shocked. “The Medikidz? I know them, they’re a group of 5 ‘superheroes’ from some physics-defying planet who cannot comprehend anything outside of conventional medicine, but they still give medical advice to kids! And then there’s the stalking and property damage!”
Elvis then entered the room. “Wait you know these people? And they do this all the time?”
“Unfortunately yes”, Shakira said. “I also know where to find them if you want to confront them about their behaviour.”
“Sure! They have dozens of stalking videos and it’s time they stopped!”
“I wanna be known again for my music, not for having sex with an old friend!” Elvis added.
“Well step into my TARDIS and we can end this nonsense” Shakira replied, getting up.
Once they were standing at her TARDIS console, she entered the co-ordinates and explained, “They live on a planet that resembles a human body, but this is in a galaxy where the laws of nature do not always apply so for them this is normal.” As soon as they took off, the TARDIS walls began to shake.
“Ow!” Strawberry said as she fell to the floor, unable to hold onto anything due to her lack of arms.
“That would be the lightning. I always have trouble going to this galaxy” Shakira sighed.
They landed somewhere in the non-sentient human body’s brain, just outside their ‘enemies’ headquarters. Strawberry then walked up to the front door, and knocked it with one foot. “Hello? Helloooooo?” There was no answer. “Maybe they’re not home.”
Holly paused. “Wait, I can hear something…it sounds like some guys with big egos!” She led them to the source, which wasn’t very far, actually in a nearby sinus cavity.
“Salaam aleikum, where are the Medikidz?” Shakira asked. The only…’people’ around were some squishy looking aliens in uniform. These pointed down to four left over zip lines that seemed to lead to wherever these so-called superheroes were.
“We have to go down those?” Strawberry sighed, as her lack of arms was currently bothering her.
“Baby what about that thing you did with the stripper’s pole? You locked your feet together to slide down it” suggested Elvis, enjoying this memory.
“Sure if I don’t mind going head first…oh fine” she said, and continued, “if I land on my head Shakira can have me healed in three days!” then stuck her tongue out.
“Okay, let us see where this goes” mumbled Shakira, and then grabbed the coat-hanger-ish thing attached to one of the lines. Holly was next, for although she was a little timid, Shakira did make her feel safe; then it was Elvis’ turn, and finally, Strawberry’s, after she fit her legs through the hanger-thing and held on tight as gravity did its work. It seemed that everyone could hear the loud “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” coming from the four; Strawberry was screaming the loudest. They fell/glided around the midbrain and into the spinal column, zipping down the body’s neck, and after this they slowed down as they ended their trip in one of the arms. “Ow!” Shakira exclaimed as she let go and fell to the ground (it appeared to be a bone), then Holly faceplanted on the ground/bone, and so did Elvis. Strawberry horizontally faceplanted onto the side of a muscle and was pushed back a little. “Hey can I have some help here?” she asked, so then Shakira and Elvis picked her up and let her get back on her feet.
Holly got up, walked over and rested her head on Shakira. “So…we’re in a giant arm?”
Shakira scanned their surroundings with her sonic screwdriver. “Yes we are, and this defies the laws of nature as I know them.”
“Hey there’s a sign…it says ‘this way to bone marrow’ and it’s pointing to those stairs!” Elvis said.
“I assume they’ve gone down there”, replied Shakira as she headed over to the stairs. “I think the ground is vibrating, they are probably doing something silly.” The others followed her, as she seemed to know these people and their antics quite well.
“Oh COME ON!” Shakira yelled once they were inside the bone marrow. The Medikidz, an assortment of freaks and some human kid were singing – something to do with leukaemia.
“And they do this, all the time?” Strawberry asked flatly.
“It has been known. They are idiots after all.”
“Why is that something to sing about?” Holly asked.
“They have their own brand of education. That is all I can say about it.”
Strawberry rolled her eyes. “Hey listen! Why are you using chemo when you have cannabis oil, you have nutritional therapies which go great with the oil, and what about antineoplastons? Burzynski is a sweetie pie and a genius!”
The freak-things and Medikidz weren’t having any of it. They answered with:
#“No, no, no, noooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
It is better by far
To keep things as they are
Don’t mess with the flow, no, no
Stick to the status quo”#
“Hey! We don’t see cancer as often as, say, Earth, but this IS what we know and losing patients more often than once a decade makes you a bad doctor by our standards!” Shakira added, getting pissed off by the weirdos that inhabit Mediland. Said weirdos responded with a “Stick to the status- Stick to the status- Stick to the status quo!” and an assault of pies to all four of their faces.
“What the hell is your problem?” Elvis demanded to know. He was usually patient, but who could maintain that around people like this?
“We’re the Medikidz!” the offending ‘superheroes’ announced.
“I KNOW!” Strawberry interrupted them before they could start their corny introduction. “You filmed me and Elvis having sex in my car and put it on SpaceTube!” she explained. Holly scowled at them while eating the residual pie still on her face.
“Hey you’re the hot bum doctor in one of our videos!” the stupid fat one said.
“Bum doctor? Does anyone ever punch you for saying that? The word is ‘proctologist’” Strawberry corrected him. “You’re gonna take that video of me and Elvis down, or, umm, or we’re gonna get all the police who’ve tried to arrest you for vandalising stuff and bring them here!”
“The TARDIS is bigger on the inside so yes we can do that!” Shakira threatened. “And I have done it before!”
“Alright if you promise not to come back here, we’ll delete it”, the stupid blonde one said.
“Only if we see you deleting it”, Strawberry added, and Elvis agreed.
“Okay, deal then.”
They all went back to their headquarters, where Strawberry and Elvis watched them delete the video off of both their SpaceTube account and their computer. After this, they parted ways, as the Medikidz went back to their shenanigans and the four went back to Shakira’s TARDIS, to do something a bit more sane then the brainfuck that their day so far had been.

(**A/N: a fucking weird comic series where the MK’s get away with everything stupid they do and ignore alternative medicine. I had to make fun of them)

20: Meddling Parents

“Farrah! Farrah!” Dex yelled while running upstairs. He then stupidly shifted his glasses so they were on top of his head, and as expected tripped over one of Farrah’s shoes. “Ow! My face!”
Farrah giggled. “What is it Dex?”
He stood right back up again, apparently not bothered by falling over. Well, it’s not like Dex isn’t used to falling over anyway. “You remember that song I played for you after I fixed your facelift? You know, when I was on my break and wanted to both visit your room and play my guitar but couldn’t decide? I played it for Elvis and he wants me to join him on stage!”
“Dex that’s wonderful!” she said, and hugged him. Shakira and Ursula were taking care of Farrah that day, restoring her immunity and other things against somebody’s odds, when they decided to have some fun with her SpaceTube/YouTube account. This led to all of Farrah’s doctors, except Lawrence, who was spending time with his mother, coming over to Ursula’s house and filming themselves/Farrah filming them performing ‘dramatic readings’ of various pro-Big Pharma blog posts. A couple of hours later, there was a new video online consisting of five people taking turns acting like retards.
Their evening of being themselves in front of a camera was then interrupted by Shakira’s phone ringing, as Lawrence was calling. “Salaam aleikum?”
“Hey Shakira!”
“How is your mother?” she asked, knowing that she should care about her future in-laws.
“Great….but there’s one problem….your parents are here!” he said, looking over his shoulder at the pair of stalkers future parents-in-law.
“LAWRENCE HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE?” Shakira yelled. Morality seemed to come second to their child getting married, and since she didn’t live with them, their lack of nagging power or whatever meant that they had to get ‘creative’.
“Your mother said she searched my name to find out where I work, and then both of them followed me home.” In this situation, ‘creative’ means ‘stalking… and possible hostage’.
“I cannot believe this…why did they follow you?”
“Something about how we apparently have to get married right now”, he sighed.
“They want grandchildren from me, and a Theran woman’s eggs run out once she turns 100….but don’t worry, we don’t go through menopause, there are no changing for you to worry about.” Shakira set her TARDIS translator to Spanish, so she could use Pashtun to talk privately, but her Spanish grammar was not always perfect.
“That’s right, you’re 99”, he remembered. “And because of all the death threats against me for not turning Farrah in but instead helping her threaten the drug company’s power.”
“We are not leaving until you agree to marry him!” Shakira’s father yelled in the hope she could hear it, which she did.
“Okay Lawrence I am coming over to try to reason with them, so bye for now”, she said, hanging up once he responded. “Everyone I have to go and attempt to reason with my crazy parents.”
“Oh I know what that is like! Good luck Shakira!” Ursula called out.
“Good luck!” Farrah added.
“Thankyou!” Shakira said as she stepped into her TARDIS, which disappeared along with her in a few seconds.
Shakira and her TARDIS materialised into the living room of Lawrence’s house, a spacious, open-plan place with big windows. She opened the doors, then locked them, only to be greeted by Lawrence, his mother and her own parents.
“Salaam aleikum…..mother, father, what are you doing here?” she asked.
“We are here because you must marry this man now!” her mother demanded.
“Why? We haven’t been seeing each other for long and you know I would wait until marriage!”
“Because his life is in danger and it is your duty to protect him! Also we want grandchildren from you!” Her mother spoke the first sentence, but both said the second.
“I told you dozens of times that I do not want children and you already have them!” Shakira reminded them.
“And my life isn’t in danger as much as you think; no one’s tried to kill me when I’m working there on my-“Lawrence was interrupted as someone fired a machine gun into his house, shattering a window. “Own. There was only hitmen once…aaaand now they’ve come for me. Shakira don’t you think maybe they have a point?”
Her eyes still hadn’t recovered from almost jumping out of her head. “Ithinktheymight.”
“I don’t want my baby to be murdered! You marry him now so he can move in with you!” his tiny mother ordered, hugging him tight.
Shakira’s parents grinned smugly. “Now you see our point?”
“Alright then I will marry him! But weddings are expensive!”
“We learnt that in America there are places that will marry people at a moment’s notice and it is quite cheap”, her father stated. “There is no excuse.”
“But what will I wear?” Shakira asked.
“My wedding dress”, her mother added, and continued, “Lawrence seems to own many suits so he can wear one of those. You two can have a proper wedding in the future but now we must get this over with so he can be safe with you.”
“Where is it then?” Shakira asked, wanting to get it over with too.
“In our TARDIS…Lawrence and Mrs Piro, let us go now, and please tell us how to get to Utah!” her mother demanded.

“Strawberry! Look at this!” Farrah sat at her computer, connected to Earth’s internet of four years in the past.
“What is it?” the ginger asked, throwing herself onto the couch like a ragdoll.
“The tabloids are saying I’m in hospital again and that I’m dying! They’re saying nothing about my videos or how I saved Earth!”
“Wow…it’s like they don’t want anyone to know the truth…” Strawberry said, confused at Earth’s strange customs of government/corporate censorship.
“The view counts on my videos are slowly climbing, and it’s only the conspiracy theorists that listen to me”, Farrah sighed. She still wasn’t giving up, no, she would never consider that. She looked at another article’s title. “I’M PLANNING MY FUNERAL? HOW DO THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS?”
Strawberry shook her head. “I have no idea.”
“What is going on?” Thomas asked curiously, his head sticking out from around the corner.
“Your news is stupid” stated Strawberry.
“That I know”, he agreed. Once he saw what Farrah was talking about, he added, “These people disgust me! I don’t want to know how low the pharmaceutical companies will go to stop you!”
Dr Vogl was about to find out. As he skimmed the article, Shakira’s TARDIS materialised in a corner of the room, the ‘new’ Victorian closet not looking out of place.
“Salaam aleikum everyone”, she announced, with Lawrence following her. “We just got married so Lawrence can live with me and be safe from hitmen.”
Dr Vogl spun around. “What?”

16: Risk

“So what are you gonna do now?” asked one of Farrah’s best friends, Kate Jackson, as they were driving through the forest. Farrah stopped sticking her hand out of the car window and turned to her to answer: “I’ve decided to live with Ursula, but I still see Shakira and Strawberry all the time. I don’t know…I would *like* to start acting there but I’m thinking of being an art teacher.”
Kate smiled. “As long as you keep visiting me here.”
“Of course I will! But if I get an acting career going on her world I don’t want to deal with paparazzi again.”
“Just wear a wig when you’re acting so you can have your privacy!” she half-joked. “What’s it like there anyway?”
“Like Earth in the ‘50s but the gender roles are reversed. Strawberry said it’s because the women get the men pregnant there”, Farrah replied, while seriously considering her friend’s suggestion.
“So like the world you grew up in but better?”
“Yeah!” she laughed. The only other problem is that they don’t age, just like on Shakira’s planet…but my doctors know how to stop aging anyway, she thought, and looked down at her arm. The fractures were fully healed but she still had to be careful with it, as the scaffold hadn’t completely broken down yet.
“Hey, an abandoned house!” Kate said, and stopped to look at it. It was an old mansion in the middle of the forest, which seemed to be only recently abandoned.
“Maybe it’s haunted!” Farrah giggled. “You wanna look inside?” The door was open, so there was nothing stopping them.
“Sure! We don’t have anything else planned so I don’t see why not!” Kate answered. They walked through the front yard to the door, past the fence with the “ABANDONED” sign nailed to it and the unkempt-but-not-overly-so garden. If they got into any trouble, Farrah could always call Shakira, or Strawberry or Ursula, who are more likely to arrive *early* to save them than late. The inside of the house looked both Victorian and sterile at the same time, as if it belonged to a scientist who preferred to work from home. There was also a lift.
“Do you trust that thing?” Kate asked and pointed to the aforementioned lift.
“No, it’s probably broken”, Farrah said, and looked behind it to the stairs.
“What do you think happened?”
“I dunno, maybe the owner died and their family sometimes comes back to clean up the house, like it keeps their memories alive or something”, she replied, and shuddered at the thought of what would have happened to her if Shakira hadn’t visited her that night. She remembered how Saghira had to carry her for the vast majority of their walk around Roswell (seven children had given the woman some very strong back muscles), and how she still could only function like a normal person for one or two hours a day. After all, it had only been a month since Shakira had taken her under her care, thus reuniting them.
Previously lost in her thoughts, Farrah found herself at the foot of the stairs. She tested the first one, to find that it was strong enough to support her. “Hey, let’s see what’s upstairs!”
Kate emerged from the living room, which contained a mix of 19th century and 1970’s furniture. “Okay…but are you sure it’s safe?” she answered, and stayed behind Farrah, as she was still unsure about the stair’s structural integrity and wanted her more adventurous friend to test each step for her. “Life is sweetened by risk”, the little blonde often said.
“Of course it is….’fraidy cat….” Farrah teased, then added, “See? We’re alive!” once they had reached the second floor, and then disappeared into the master bedroom. Kate followed her, and they found a huge, 60’s space-age-ish style room, with a circular bed surrounded by curtains and a large, also circular skylight in the centre of the ceiling. Several vases filled with red flowers decorated the room, and the bed copied them in its’ red and pink hues.
“Someone must have been very romantic”, Kate said as she scanned the room.
Farrah picked something up off of a chest of drawers. “Oh…you don’t say!” she replied as she realised that she was holding a sex toy, which she threw across the room, accidentally smashing one of the vases. “I don’t wanna know what that thing’s used for.”
Kate opened the walk-in wardrobe’s doors and stepped inside. “Hey! These are gorgeous!” she told Farrah, as she had found an array of beautiful dresses, ranging from 1930’s style all the way to the ‘80s, with 70’s porn star-style male clothing in a box on the floor, which she ignored. She grabbed several of these dresses to try on.
“How do I look?” she asked Farrah, once she slipped on a ‘40s evening dress.
“Wow! You are gorgeous! What do you think of these?” Farrah asked from behind her, pointing to the red ‘30s style shoes she had taken.
“They’re beautiful!…I wonder if it’s alright for us to keep these…” Kate thought out loud.
“Yeah, the house is abandoned, so the owners are either too dead or too far away to care.”
“Let’s keep them!” Kate decided, and folded up her new dress after she put her clothes back on. Farrah put her old shoes on again, as heels were a bit impractical while walking on stairs of questionable integrity, and together they replaced the other clothes and closed the wardrobe doors.
“You wanna get out of here?” Kate asked as they picked up their new dress/shoes off of the bed.
“Yeah, I’m starting to get tired and I just get the feeling that maybe we’re not supposed to be here.”
“So do I…but I’m sure whoever visits this place to clean it won’t notice what we took.”
“Except for the vase I broke!” Farrah was getting a little nervous.
“I think it’s a good idea to leave now too…come on”, Kate agreed, and put her arm around Farrah as they left the room and descended down the stairs. They ran back to the car and drove off, not knowing that their intuition had just saved them. The house was not abandoned, no, that was a lie…the house was actually occupied by Frank N Furter! He saw Farrah and Kate in the distance as he arrived at his mansion, so he knew who the culprits were when he discovered the broken vase.
“Uh whattaya gonna do boss?” Rocky asked him.
Frank N Furter looked at his slave, and declared: “Force her to pay up…after all, breaking MY vase with one of my personal items is NOT the only thing she’s in trouble for!”