33: Pieces of the Puzzle

The breeze from the Caspian Sea gently stirred the leaves above, as Shakira, her twin Saghira and Strawberry had their heads literally together, reading a map. Farrah removed her camcorder from her bag.

“Farrah should you even be doing that?” Saghira gasped. The beauty school student wanted to come along, but wasn’t exactly the type for anything that could be called espionage or participating in conspiracies. Both twins travelled through time and space but Saghira’s life almost completely revolved around her home and family until last week, her first day of her diploma.

“If we save the world, I wanna show everyone how we did it”, Farrah answered, sticking her tongue out.

Strawberry pointed to the vague directions’ starting point, stolen by Ursula several days ago. “What is the blue moon?”

“Something blue and involving moons”, Shakira replied flatly.

Saghira jumped. “The mosque!”

“Which one?” She stopped pointing and looked more closely at the map, searching for this mosque.

“The Imangali Mosque on Satpaev Street”, Saghira explained. “It is blue with crescent moons.”

“Are me and Farrah allowed inside?”

“Yes but the directions say behind it, so we don’t need to go inside.”

The four women then took the nearest bus, stopping not so far away from the mosque and complete with passengers noting their peculiarities: abayas (must be tourists?), no arms (how does she do anything?) and very short hair (butch or ex-chemo patient? Why no wig? Women need long hair!). Both Farrah and Shakira paused to take a few pictures of it, then they made their way around the corner, past the benches and minarets, to the back wall that was facing a river bank.

“And…now what?” Shakira asked no one in particular. There was mud, and trees, not much that could really conceal anything, or any obvious signs of manmade structures.

“There’s trees….” Farrah trailed off. “And they have giant roots…”

“With something to hide?” Strawberry added.

The water lapping against the river bank provided background sound to their minimalist conversation. Along with several birds. “Such as a safe maybe…trapped by the tree roots? So it won’t wash away?” These last two questions were shared by Shakira and Saghira. They headed over to the largest tree, specifically to the most prominent roots that were facing the mosque. Taking out her sonic screwdriver, Shakira scanned for any signs of metal or plastic.

“Something is there!” she suddenly exclaimed. “It is being held by the roots, we were right.”

Saghira reached into her bag. “I thought there would be digging involved”, she said, pulling out a tiny gardening shovel.

“Can you see what it is with that thing?” Farrah lent in. Strawberry shrugged her shoulders, as her short arm-stumps weren’t capable of digging and she hadn’t learnt how to garden with her feet either.

“No I can’t…keep going Saghira! You are almost there.” Shortly afterwards, Saghira struck metal on metal, and with Farrah’s help she revealed: a sweet tin.

“That’s all?” Strawberry asked.

“Or maybe there is something inside…” Shakira opened the tin, which contained…..a piece of paper that was obviously torn from something else, detailing part of the schematics for some type of machine, and an RF oscillator.

“So we only found part of whatever it is we’re looking for…..” Farrah sighed.

“I would have liked a full schematic and where to find the other parts”, Shakira said, pocketing the torn off paper and oscillator. “We must see if there is anything else in the newspaper clippings.”

Previously, Shakira had left her sonic screwdriver on the ground. This was now held by Strawberry, who was crawling along the sand on her knees with it in her mouth. She circled the other tree, paying close attention to its root system.

“Mmmghmghhhmmm!” She pointed with her arm stump to whatever it was that the sonic screwdriver had picked up, now getting the attention of the others. They rushed over and began digging around the oversized roots…to unearth a case panel for some variety of machine. It was large, black and had a semi-irregular arrangement of holes meant for various meters and controls.

“And we have…” Saghira began.

“Something we could need, but is no help at all right now!” Shakira finished.

“Maybe we should go home…and read the newspaper clippings…” Farrah sighed. Shakira straightened, her protective instincts awakening. “I think I have another healing reaction coming on.”

“Aww honey!” Strawberry hugged Farrah with her face and shoulders, after dropping the sonic back into Shakira’s hand. “You want me to carry you?”

She smiled, answering with “Sure”, and climbed onto Strawberry.

“I’m all legs, I know”, she said as they both giggled. Shakira and Saghira carried their findings for the day, carefully watching for any danger – vans, people, helicopters – in every possible hiding place. One they made it back to the TARDIS, excusing the panel as something needing recycling when asked by the bus driver, the doors were quickly locked to ensure a safe return  trip back to Kos III, and later Thera. Locking the doors was warranted, however, as they were being watched.


32: Hidden Plans

“Where do we have to go again?” The Italian pretty-boy whispered into the ear of his co-conspirator.

“The head office, any others we think are important.” The light from the cafeteria ceiling reflected off of Dex’s glasses. Shakira was out that night, so she gave him and Lawrence instructions on obtaining more information of whatever was going on. Assassination plans, propaganda agendas, the numbers she found, anything was helpful at this point. Farrah was too terrified of capture to assist her doctors, which was reasonable because this was mostly about her. Suddenly thinking of her, Lawrence suggested, “The oncology department? I don’t look out of place there.”

“And it’s safer…..they probably have the head office booby-trapped now…hehe boobies.”

“You have to be childish when we’re doing something dangerous”, Lawrence said, rolling his eyes.

“You don’t think I’m scared? I overheard their plans to finish off Michael Jackson; they don’t leave any opportunities for failure, not anymore at least.”

“Come on, we’re going to oncology and there’s a mastectomy patient who’s making you fit right in.” The two men quietly proceeded to the oncology department, first needing to take the elevator.

“Farrah’s file?” Dex half-whispered.

“Yeah, seeing as I don’t ‘need’ it anymore”, Lawrence answered. Once they arrived, they kept a low profile, not looking anyone in the eye. “It’s in my office”, he added. Opening the door, he paused to look around for assassins, traps and so on, before sliding up to the filing cabinet and shoving his hand into the section labelled “F”. Eventually, his fingers walked themselves to ‘Fawcett, Farrah’, and he pulled this folder out from among the others it was sandwiched between.

“Anything different?” Dex whispered, his eyes darting around to check for any intruders.

“Her records haven’t been changed, except for…..Oh GREAT! They added the original scan to the altered ones from her false diagnosis!” Pissed off, Lawrence held up the originals so Dex could see them.

His eyes jumped out of his head, then he asked, “Were the sticky notes there before?”, pointing to a couple of notes with their yellow corners poking out of the file. Lawrence opened to the page that one was stuck to, and read out “5821435. Huh? What does that even mean? Wait, Shakira told me about a similar number that fell out of assassination plans!”

“Phone numbers? No, they are only seven numbers, could they be a code?”

“I have no idea…what’s this?” He pulled off another note, adhered directly behind the note with the number. “Atyrau. Find and destroy all information? This just keeps getting worse!”

“So….the numbers are connected to a place called Atyrau?” Dex was equally confused. It *was* getting worse, first Farrah was diagnosed with cancer, then her latest diagnosis turned out to be faked, then her doctors, including him to a lesser extent, became assassination targets so she would lose all protection and actual care. And now wherever the fuck Atyrau is has become the latest potential target of the pharmaceutical industry’s goons because of information that didn’t even make sense to doctors!

“Snap out of it”, Lawrence hissed, clicking his fingers in front of Dex’s face, as thinking about these things caused him to space out completely. “There’s another note with what the room number of a storage closet would be.”

The two men then cautiously took the elevator down to the hospital’s lowest level where Farrah had her last MRI. Next to that room was the storage closet mentioned on the note. Lawrence opened the door by a crack to check for more traps, and when he was satisfied with what safety he had, fully opened the closet door. Inside were a mop, extra spill kits and various cleaning products. They split the containers between themselves, searching for any more files; Dex even searched the mop and the insides of the spill kits. It was also Dex who rummaged through the last container, but the only writings of any kind was something scrawled onto the bottom in black marker. It read “SURPRISE!” with a cheeky smiley face next to it.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!” Both men screamed, fearing that this meant ‘Surprise! There’s a bomb in here, or possibly assassins waiting for you, since we knew you’d find this, now you’re going to die!’ They bolted for the fire stairs, as usual, and raced for the exit of the hospital. Their hearts stopped as they noticed a car parked on the grass………and realised that it was Ursula’s time-spaceship, which took the form of a blue Chevrolet, and unlike Shakira’s TARDIS, was not bigger on the inside. Now, they ran towards her car, as they could see Ursula sitting inside it, reading something.

“Guten abend!” she cheerfully called out. “What are you doing here?”

“We were looking for more information but all we found were these”, Lawrence said, producing the sticky notes he stashed away.

“That’s more than what I found”, she admitted. “All I have in here are newspaper clippings and a very unclear set of directions. What is Atyrau? Do you know? It sounds like somewhere Shakira said she went on a trip to in her sponsored student days.”

“I don’t remember that from any of her stories, but one of the notes we found mentions it too….something about destroying information there?”

“What are the newspaper clippings?” Dex asked.

“Some are of Farrah from these last few years, some are of alternative doctors in South America and the Central Asia, a few are of Michael Jackson in East Europe”, she answered. “I don’t know if they mean anything or are trying to waste our time…but who knows then?”

31: Repeated Attempts

“WHAT IS THIS?!?” The fat, bald man slammed his hand onto his desk. “That BASTARD is alive? HOW?”

“What is it sir?” His female assistant asked, looking up from the notes she was typing.

“You know…. Michael Jackson is ALIVE!” He stood up. “Evidence from surveillance cameras show that he is connected with two of Farrah Fawcett’s doctors. Therefore he knows the truth and her plans. And now it looks like one of them has informed a security team to keep an eye on him so we can’t get him again!”

“And what are you going to do this time?”

“I’m trying to kill Farrah’s doctors! She wouldn’t beat us without them, they give her access to….things…especially that Pakistani or whatever thing and the fat German that both spoil her.”

“Why is Michael Jackson so important then?”

“Because he can tell the whole world about us and everyone will trust him.”

“What are you going to do about him?” she asked, beginning to get annoyed at his obsession with stopping Farrah and her doctors, for she was a supporter of the free market and honestly didn’t care what medicines people wanted in the hospital. She only cared about her own career, not his bullshit, especially as he never gave her the whole story.

“WELL…he is rehearsing today at the…” the fat bastard continued, detailing his backup plan drafted in case his previous one failed. Unfortunately for him, a man with thick glasses was standing outside the door, listening to everything starting with the attempts on his life.

Not so far away this time, Farrah sat on the grass eating pecan pie as Shakira’s phone went off. She and her twin Saghira decided to take Farrah back to Earth for the day, for she had the day off from work and her sister had the day off from college, and they were both close to Farrah. “Salaam aleikum!” she answered. “Dex? You overheard what?” She listened to Dex’s explanation of what he heard, peeved that her day off had been partially ruined by someone’s assassination attempt. On top of this, the twins were meant to meet a mass of extended family for almost a week in Atlantis that night, and foiling the hospital asshole’s plans stood a chance of making them late.

“It looks like we have to save Michael Jackson for a third time.” Shakira rolled her eyes. “He is rehearsing at the Staples Centre and there are assassins meant to arrive soon because he now knows the truth.”

“Why are they so desperate to keep you silent?” Saghira asked. Farrah replied with incomprehensible mumbling on account of her eating pie.

“We could easily take down the pharmaceutical industry, especially with his help, and we are aliens, another government secret.” She reached into her handbag, double checking that her gun was in there. “I am ready when you are.”

For the first time in a long time, Shakira and Saghira decided to park inside an Earth building, among a litany of stage props where the TARDIS would not be noticed. In fact, it looked normal in comparison to some of them.

Farrah poked some of the props, but keeping quiet as Michael was discussing lighting and such with the technicians. “And where did Dex say he was meeting us?”

“Once again the fire stairs”, answered Shakira, annoyed at this constant need to use the fire stairs, every single time. The three silently crept down the stairs, and then Farrah shoved her face up to the space between the door and the wall. “He’s here”, she whispered, as Saghira opened the door.

Dex was not on the same page of keeping quiet. “Hello ladies…”


“Okay”, he whispered after the three of them ordered him to be quiet. They climbed the stairs *in silence*, and once they reached the backstage corridors, Dex pointed to Michael’s dressing room, flipping his glasses onto his head and then quickly replacing them after Shakira scowled at him. “They are going to try poisoning him, just in case”, he whispered as Saghira signed this for Shakira, for she could not hear his whispers.

Saghira pointed to the cans of Coke in his room once they arrived at the door. “I suppose it is poisoned?”

“Si, that is what I overheard.” Shakira, Saghira and Farrah then took turns throwing the cans out the window, while Dex listened for any potential interruptions.

“Hey who are those guys?” Farrah asked, pointing out the window to a suspicious looking black van.

“They are not very subtle”, Saghira added. “Are these the assassins?”

Dex slipped over to the window, as the driver and passenger climbed out. “Looks like it, he did say they were coming in a black van and were parking around here where they’d be a little harder to notice.”  Shakira removed her gun from her bag, shocking Saghira.

“Sister! You are not going to kill them are you?”

“No these are for stunning, they are not actual bullets.” She fired several shots, hitting both assassins, and then inserted some real bullets and took out two tyres, their windscreen and one rifle, which she almost missed. “They will be out for three hours, and this give us – “

“WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????” bellowed a 2 metre high, armed security guard with Michael Jackson trailing behind him.

All four spun around and froze. “TheguysoutsideweregonnakillMichaelsowesavedhim”, Farrah said rapidly and pointed. “Outthere.”

The security guard barged over to the window and looked out at the van and unconscious assassins.

“I did not kill them!” Shakira protested.

“I won’t believe ya until I see for myself”, he sneered, and marched down the fire stairs as it was the nearest exit, while the others followed.

“I told you!” Shakira said as she folded her arms, after the guard had felt the pulses of the assassins still beating.

“We will move them inside and call the police”, he flatly answered.

“What is this?” Saghira used one end of her hijab to pick up a piece of note paper from inside the van, partly to protect herself and partly to prevent her fingerprints from getting all over the potential evidence. She read the note out loud so everyone could hear.


30: Eternally MJ

“Hey Shakira, can you teach me sign language so we can talk in private?” Lawrence asked, wiggling his eyebrows upon ‘in private’. Farrah was sleeping with her face pressed against Shakira, and Strawberry was downstairs…unusually quiet.

“I will start with the alphabet?” When her husband agreed, she replied with an ‘okay’, and then touched her right index finger to her left thumb. “This is A”, she said, then made her hands look like a pair of binoculars. “This is B”. Lawrence copied, then she bent her index finger and thumb so their tips faced each other. “C…”

“MICHAEL JACKSON DIED AGAIN!” Strawberry came hurtling into the room, crashing just a few feet short of the bed. This woke up Farrah, and the first thing she noticed was Strawberry on the floor, sobbing.

“What happened?” Shakira, Lawrence and Farrah asked simultaneously.

“I don’t know….it was like he was poisoned at the rehab centre…” They were once again interrupted by Ursula, also not too happy about what had happened on Earth.

“Someone may be punishing us for rewriting history; Farrah for this time you are not going home without one of us with you and armed.”

Not wanting to be murdered, Farrah replied with “Fine by me…when aren’t you armed?”, with the last part said quietly. “Is there anything you guys can do to get him back?”

“We have to go to the Nethersphere”, Ursula stated in her familiar let’s-get-to-business voice. “This time we cannot fly out because we were not ‘invited’, but I know how to get someone out of there and alive once more. Strawberry, you will have to stay here as you are too close to him now.”

“What? Is this an excuse, because I don’t have arms?” she asked indignantly. While she was one of the first armless doctors on Kos III, most discrimination she had received was from Earth and Sontarans, such as Ursula’s father.

“No, in the outer reaches of the Nethersphere, where I have located him, there are zombies which feed off of relationships broken by death. You will attract too many, so you must direct us from the console of Shakira’s TARDIS.”

“It let you in without me?”

“Yes and it has Michael Jackson’s location locked in, as it will have ours. Lawrence and Shakira, I want you with me, Strawberry, TARDIS.”


The three were then teleported into the Nethersphere from the TARDIS, connected to their dimension only by the earpiece phone worn by Ursula. “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?” she shouted down the phone.

“Yes I can hear you.” Strawberry’s voice came out loud and clear as she spoke into the TARDIS console’s microphone. “Where are you?”

“The outer limits. We are in a field walking towards what looks to be a passage underground, it just appears to be a door.”

“Great, it says you’re slowly closing in on him…the sooner you find him, the sooner you can all get out, right?”

“Yes, stop worrying.”

As they came closer to the door, the field changed. The sky grew red, and snow appeared. Shakira and Lawrence drew near to each other, as the former got her gun out, ready to fire. Ursula could hear something. A snarling, hideous zombie stepped out of the door, only to spew out degrading, hurtful, nasty insults as Shakira and Lawrence glared, wanting to find out more about this thing before they decided on how to deal with it.

“You can’t fight me…you can’t-“ The one thing you do not say to a Sontaran, even a half-Sontaran, is anything disparaging their fighting ability. Ursula aimed her blaster and blew up the bastard to kingdom come where it belongs.

“Well that’s one way to deal with it”, Lawrence flatly stated as they entered the door. They were now in the Nethersphere proper, a city with physics defying properties. Another door was in front of them.

“You’re getting there!” Strawberry cheerfully encouraged them.

“That is wonderful to know, considering that we are still being followed by zombies!”

She jumped. “Are you guys alright?”

“Yes. These ones only engage in psychological warfare.”

“It does not belong….it is weak…what is it?…what are they?…it is a douchebag…it is a bitch…it comes from a retarded gene pool…” The three looked around to discover the source of these new insults. They came from what looked like stone gargoyles.

“It is going to get a mouthful of lead if it doesn’t shut up!” Shakira yelled, pointing her gun.

“Can I walk three feet without being insulted?” Ursula answered, trying to open the door.

“It has bad posture…” one whispered, directing this at Ursula. “Isn’t that painful for it? It is the least of it’s problems now…”

“Does it and it know what a grenade is?” she threatened.

“Ursula, please stand back!” Shakira announced, shooting the door’s lock and hinges, making it crash to the ground.

“Well, that solves that problem”, she sniffed, then the three passed through the door…only to find themselves on a short jetty terminating in a dark swamp, complete with talkin’ insultin’ trees.

“Hey guys you’re getting really close! It’s like you hardly get closer to him at all and then you just jump!” Strawberry added through the earpiece.

“How’s it going?” Farrah chirped through the TARDIS microphone, with Strawberry answering with a (muffled, to Ursula) ‘Great! They’re coming closer to him!’

“Apparently we’re doing well…Farrah get yourself something to drink if you haven’t already, you know it is needed after hyperthermia treatments”, Ursula instructed as the talking trees (yes, fecking really) outspokenly doubted Shakira and Lawrence’s abilities to find Michael Jackson.

“They aren’t saying anything about Ursula”, Shakira noted under her breath.

“Maybe they’re trying to discourage us….maybe to trap us in the Nethersphere? Or just keep him here?” Lawrence looked around, feeling a little better about the situation now that he seemingly figured it out. The trees paused. “King. Of the. Fucking. Jungle”, he added.

“Now…how do we get out of this one?” Ursula wondered out loud. She tentatively stepped off the jetty and onto the muddy ground….which was just mud. She fell in. “WHAT IS THIS SHIT???” she screamed, a rare occasion where she did swear. The more she struggled, the faster she sank, and Shakira and Lawrence dived for the jetty’s edge to save her. This didn’t work, for now they were all in the mud, sinking, and Farrah could hear half of her medical team seemingly drowning in mud. Their screaming was broken by Ursula exclaiming “What NOW?” as they each fell face down onto ….snow. Yes really.

“Almost there!” Strawberry cheered, having left the console to get a snack.

“You didn’t hear? We almost drowned!” Ursula scolded, sitting up to shake the snow out of her hair.

“Oh shit…” Lawrence pointed out the fact that several zombies were approaching. They looked around for better weapons than just Shakira’s handgun, as Ursula then noticed that additional annoyances were arriving. The zombies seemed to be heading for the massive gate that stood before them; a fog behind this gate poorly concealed an autumnal forest.

“What’s this?” Shakira dug half of a Dalek shell out of the snow. “It looks like it’s functional!”

“Mine too!” Lawrence found a less intact shell, just the part where the weapon was, but it still worked. The zombies began their insulting tirade in their usual whisper, as Ursula charged her blaster and Shakira found the Dalek speaker. “DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF HOPELESSNESS! DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF…..INSIDE VOIIIIICE!” she screeched through it.

“SONTAR-HA!” Ursula screamed as she obliterated the first zombie. The other two followed her lead, also blasting the rest of the zombies to kingdom come. Lawrence fired the last shot at the gate in order to blow up the gigantic lock, and then he and Shakira (somewhat irresponsibly) discarded their shell parts before running through the fog. They found themselves in a deciduous forest, during what was meant to be autumn, apparently, with Strawberry announcing that they were right on top of Michael’s position…..and there he was…near a gravestone.

The three all yelled out some variant of “Michael Jackson! We found you!” and ran towards him.

“Who are you?” he asked, confused.

“We’re friends with Strawberry”, Shakira informed him.

“And Dex, remember, they saved you?” Lawrence added.

“YAAAAAAY YOU FOUND HIM!” This was audible even to Michael, especially as Ursula ripped the headset off to protect her hearing.

“Now what?” asked Lawrence.

“The cliff….I have done this before. The bridge-“ Ursula pointed to a bridge to the Nethersphere proper in the distance “leads to the Nethersphere, jumping off of the cliff teleports you back to where you came from in the living world. Michael Jackson will come back with us if he holds on to at least one of us. Just trust me.” They then headed for the edge of the cliff, which did not have an unforgiving river or set of jagged rocks at the bottom, but instead a view of various places in the living universe that was constantly changing.

“Are you ready?” Ursula asked, as the three surrounded Michael and held on to him. “One…two…three…jump!” Wind whistled around them as time seemed to slow down, all holding onto each other as if their lives depended on it, eyes tightly closed. The next thing they knew, they were on the grass outside Strawberry’s house, next to the TARDIS.

Shakira flung open the doors. “Strawberry! He is back! We found him!” The redhead squealed, racing to her friend and embracing him with her neck and arm-stump. “YOU’RE ALIVE!!!”

“Yes Strawberry! You guys saved me…again! Thank you so much!”

“We wouldn’t leave you to stay dead! Ursula says you have to stay here for a few days…is that okay?”

“Naw, I don’t mind at all”, he agreed, as the two disappeared to catch up on the last couple of days.

((A/N: Isn’t it obvious, I don’t like Eternally Us 😛 ))

29: Trespassing May Have Consequences

“Farrah you’re healing really well!” Strawberry piped up, surprised that damage she once thought to be permanent was reversing.

“Wait what? That’s great! Sorry I wasn’t paying attention…I wanted to ask you, how long does it take to make a baby on Transsexual?”

Strawberry froze at the mention of that planet’s name. “Th-there’s two months gestation and then seven months with the baby developing in an egg”, she said as she disposed of her feet gloves. “Has he sent you any more threats?”

Farrah sat up. “No, I wanted to visit the baby when Frank N Furter’s not around; I’m the one who got him pregnant…somehow.” Strawberry then fell off her chair, exposing her underwear with the cherries on them, and the white garter with the strawberry on it that she regularly wore. “Are you alright?” Farrah asked, reaching for one of the tied sleeves of her white coat.

“Sorry he just scares me! I’m not taking you, you’ll have to ask someone else!” She got up and wrote down some co-ordinates. “This is how to get to his house, I don’t know, ask Ursula.”

“Thanks for flying us to see the baby…egg…he or she is still my baby too!” Farrah poked Ursula as they began their descent onto the roof of the building where Frank N Furter lived. It was an obscenely tall apartment complex, and he lived in a penthouse that took up the entire top two floors, which was perfect for the outrageous parties he threw. The abandoned mansion he lived in on Earth was not noticeably larger.

“Don’t break anything this time!” Kate teased. “Ow!” Dex elbowed her in the face accidentally, as he and Thomas were trying to win some stupid game. He then uttered a quick “Sorry!” before getting back to whatever they were doing.

“I won’t touch anything this time so I’m not going to break anything!” she said, remembering what happened last time. They touched down on his personal landing strip, knowing that he wouldn’t be home until the next day.

“Tom!” Ursula handed over one of the rheon carbine guns, the smallest and easiest to use Sontaran weapon. “Protecting them is your job too.”

“Ja, I know…” he lowered his voice to a whisper. “I don’t trust Dex either.”

“Knowing Farrah, she will try on Dr Furter’s clothes and unintentionally set off an alarm”, she whispered back. They joined the others, who were waiting at the door to be let in, and then descended the stairs to Frank N Furter’s penthouse. As expected, Farrah found a pair of ‘Dr’ Furter’s shoes and one of his hats, then put them on and paraded around as if she were modelling them. She then strutted to a complicated looking machine he had in the middle of his living room for showing-off purposes and pretended to work on it. Flipping her still-short hair, she moved to another side of the thing…and then tripped onto it. The some-kind-of laser beam spun activated, spun around, and then hit Dex and Thomas, consuming them in a pink light. Seconds later, they had once more become visible, but as women! Their transformation was thorough enough that Dex had long, dark curls with a rose in it, a frilly gypsy style top and a short denim skirt, while Thomas had his clothes changed to a pantsuit and his hair into a short bob.

Farrah stood up with the help of a speechless Kate and a button-free area of the machine. “What….just…..”

Ursula laughed. “I am sorry Tom, I just always imagined this to be you if you were a woman!”

“HEY! It’s not funny!” they both yelled.

“Don’t worry! We will find a way to change you back!” Ursula began to look for a manual with the others, until Kate jumped up and read out: “The Sex Change Ray: A Surgery-Free Option for Transgender Transylvanians. Manual written by Dr Frank N Furter, the inventor.”

“What does it say?” Farrah asked, reaching out to flip through the pages.

“Go to the index!”

“R-Reversal. Page 120”, she read out as Ursula and the ex-guys joined them.

“Reversal of sex change is possible, however is often desired due to family and peer pressure. Therefore it is only possible to initialise with a DNA sample of the operator”, Ursula continued from the pages. “His hairbrush?” she added after a pause. Tom was the first to sprint off, looking for the bedroom or bathroom where Frank N Furter would keep his hairbrush. Farrah found a shelf of sex toys and Ursula found some exotic/frightening scientific equipment, but eventually Dex stumbled upon a bathroom, with a pink glittering hairbrush that had “Dr Frank N Furter” emblazoned onto it. “I found iiiiiit!” he happily yelled out in his now-female voice, as he was finally doing something useful and didn’t have to explain himself to Strawberry. Everyone rushed over, and Thomas asked “How do you know it’s his?”, after emerging from a guest bedroom.

“Well it has his name on it and there’s a note in the bathroom saying ‘touch my goodies at your own risk’, so it must be”, Dex answered.

“I think we should change back now, hmm?” Thomas suggested, aware of Dr Furter’s nature from Strawberry’s stories.

“While you’re turning back into men, can I go and see the egg?” asked Farrah, also wary of the time.

“Of course you can, but don’t be too long.”

Farrah, leading Kate by the hand, raced to the room where she found his egg/baby. Picking it up, she said softly: “Hey there…it’s your mommy…..I know your daddy won’t want me seeing you, so I’m gonna leave this for you”, she paused to leave a rattle underneath the blanket, with ‘From your mom, Farrah’, written on it, then continued, “I hope we meet again someday.” As she kissed the eggshell and held it for a few seconds, she thought she could feel the baby kicking gently at her face.

“You can’t help yourself, can you?” Kate asked, poking her.

“Nope…let’s get out of here before he comes back or I want to take back my…whatever this is.”

“I AM A MAN AGAIN!” Dex shouted as Farrah and Kate made their way back to the living room.

“I missed it too, and as a woman I think my sense of style was missing something”, Thomas agreed.

“So everyone is alright to leave now?” asked Ursula, thinking she could hear footsteps at the front door.

“YES!” was her answer, as everyone was increasingly on edge. Then, a knock at the front door, which functioned as a starting gun for something resembling a race back to the roof. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

25: A Very Special Episode, Or Something

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!” a loud scream emanated from the console room in Shakira’s TARDIS.

“Farrah, what’s wrong?” Saghira, Shakira’s twin, asked as she ran out from the TARDIS’ bathroom. She had just bought everything she needed to start her beauty therapy diploma, despite it being a month away.

“They’re saying I’m dead! The news on my Earth in my time says I died this morning!”

“Farrah sweetheart what’s wrong?” Shakira asked as she entered the console room, then looked at the computer screen. “Oh no…” It was not only trashy tabloids that were saying Farrah was dead, there were also reports on legitimate news sites! Shakira and Saghira hugged her, because your homeworld thinking you’re dead can’t be anything other than horrible.

“I have to go see daddy”, she said, “I don’t want my family to believe this.”

The sisters looked at each other. “We have time”, Saghira told her, then they left the room to put on their hijabs. When they returned, Shakira began to fly her TARDIS to Corpus Christi, Farrah’s hometown, specifically to her father’s house. Things were going smoothly, until a face appeared on one of the console’s computer screens.

“Shakira Seddiqi, you are under arrest for wilfully altering the timeline.”

Saghira and Farrah gasped, and Shakira looked up. “Oh it is YOU again. Who do you think you are?”

“Constable King of the Gallifreyan Federal Police.”

“Are you picking on me specifically because I broke up with you? There are thousands of police and dozens of alterations to the timeline coming from Thera and Kos III, why me and why you?”

“Come on Shakira, if you just accepted the loss of Farrah, married me and had my children then none of this would be happening. Euthanasia isn’t that bad, and if you allow her to die like she should then you will be released without charge.”

“I don’t want any of that! I do not want to let Farrah die, give up my career, be submissive to you and have babies, and you are not entitled to MY agreement!” Her argument was the perfect distraction, as she reached over to a control panel and sent an SOS message to Strawberry and Ursula, providing her location in the Vortex.

“Yes I am, you are not a Time Lord and therefore an inferior being, so none of this is about your opinion you stupid flatworm!”

The speciesist slur of ‘flatworm’, a reference to the agelessness of Therans and their supposed lack of intelligence (Time Lords considered their much more egalitarian/non-hierarchial society, stealing of TARDISes and casual history changing to be signs of stupidity), annoyed Saghira, who usually stayed out of lover’s and ex-lover’s arguments. “You have no right to speak to my sister like that! After three months of dating you didn’t learn anything about her!” she yelled at the redheaded police officer.

“YEAH!” Farrah agreed. “And you have no right to talk to my friend like that! Especially when she’s also my doctor and she saved my life!”

“GREAT, everyone else has to put their two cents in too! This is getting nowhere! Open fire!” King said, and disconnected the video call. The police fired at Shakira’s TARDIS, missing twice and hitting once, but her shields prevented it from causing any damage. Shakira’s weapons were different, which did not intend to kill but instead meant to disable the offending craft, thereby knocking it out of the Vortex, and this meant they could also bypass any shields.

“Farrah, remember what I showed you?”

“The guns?”

“Yes, you take this one”, she said, gesturing to the weapons control panel on her left, while she stood in front of the other.

“I will steer your TARDIS”, Saghira offered, and then brought an image of the police’s TARDIS on the screen, so she could avoid it and the others could aim properly. Shakira fired several shots, each beginning to create a field of energy around the other TARDIS. When it was developed enough to completely envelope the TARDIS, it would penetrate the offending craft, fry the engines and disable it for several days.

Another shot was successfully fired at Shakira’s TARDIS. “They are weakening the shields! Do you think we could disable them before they destroy us?” Saghira asked.

“I have called-Wait! There they are!” Shakira replied, as a flying red Mustang and an equally capable blue Chevrolet burst into the Vortex.

“Shakira!” Ursula, the driver of the blue car/space and timeship, called the TARDIS videophone. “Are you alright? And are your shields still strong?” Thomas and Lawrence were in the car with her, and Lawrence was especially worried.

“Yes and they are at 85%, but we still need you.”

“Are you using real guns or the disabling ones?”

“The disabling ones, Ursula. I don’t want to kill them.”

“Alright then.” Ursula charged her own weapons and then proceeded to fire them at the police’s TARDIS together with Shakira, while Thomas used a hand-held version.

“Shakira! Hey sorry if I’m late are you okay?” Strawberry had just entered the Vortex along with Dex, saving Shakira even more time and effort.

“That is alright Strawberry, and yes we are all okay.”

“Dex, can you get the gun out of the glove compartment?”

“Si amiga, I just pull this trigger here, no?” Dex asked, pointing to the trigger on what appeared to be a much upgraded, adult nerf gun.

“Yeah it’s that one, I really need to get one built in”, she said, and then they joined in the fight against the Time Lord police.

Lawrence decided to distract the police. “Hey you, whoever you are!” he yelled after calling them.

“What the fuck do you want? You’re under arrest too!”

“How about leaving my wife alone?”

King rolled his eyes. “You can stand living with that? She never did what she was told!”

“Shakira can do what she wants, and because of her I know that I don’t have to basically poison people or watch someone die every week.  She opened up a whole new world to me and you don’t know how grateful I am.”

His distraction worked, as they managed to create an energy field almost strong enough to disable the TARDIS without further damage to their own ships.

“Everyone we just need one more shot each and they won’t be policing anyone in that TARDIS for a week. Maybe we can do it together?” Shakira suggested.

“Of course we can! It is more fun that way!” Ursula agreed, her Sontaran side definitely showing today.

“Ja I have mine still fully charged!” Thomas aimed his gun out of the window, protected by Ursula’s shields.

“Okay we’re ready when you are”, added Strawberry, glancing over at Dex, who was in the same position as Tom.

“Alright then….three, two, one, NOW!”

They fired their weapons simultaneously, with all of the beams coming together to form one burst of energy, and then penetrating the Time Lord police’s TARDIS along with the energy field from previous shots, frying every electronic system within. It disappeared from the Vortex in a burst of light, not before getting hit by lightning too.

“YAY WE DID IT!” both Strawberry and Dex cheered, unfamiliar with fighting oppressive ‘law enforcement’ but definitely excited about saving their friends.

“Thankyou so much for helping me escape, I am honoured to have you all as my friends…not everyone would do this”, Shakira said over the TARDIS phone.

“Hey anytime Kira!” replied Strawberry, and Dex gave a similar answer while trying not to drop his glasses.

“It is no problem my dear.”

“Ja it was kind of fun anyway.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, I’ll see you this afternoon?” answered Ursula, Tom and Lawrence respectively.

“Yes I am coming this afternoon my love, but for now I have to take Farrah to her father’s house because almost everyone from Earth thinks she’s dead.”

“What? That’s terrible! Farrah are you alright?”

“I’m okay Dr Piro-“

“Lawrence, just call me Lawrence now.”

“I just want to go home. I don’t know if he believes them or not, and I really hope he doesn’t.”

“And that is where we will go”, added Shakira and said, “I will see you all later!” to everyone as she flew the TARDIS out of the Vortex and into the backyard of a home in Corpus Christi, Texas.

“Hey, what the-“ an old man left the kitchen and ran out into the yard as a slightly familiar mahogany Victorian closet materialised. He stood there staring, as two almost identical women, one wearing a black hijab with an aqua border and the other wearing a white one with gold embroidery on the edges, and his daughter, looking young and fresh but a little damaged and short haired, emerged.

“Daddy!” Farrah ran to her father, embracing him with more strength in her arms than what she’d had in a long time.

“Farrah honeypie I thought you were dead!” he said through happy tears – an improvement on the despair-driven crying of an earlier hour.

“No I’m not”, she turned to Shakira and Saghira, “can you pick me up tomorrow?”

“Of course we can!”

“Have a good time!”

“I was going to say that”, Shakira giggled, “We will be going now, bye and Salaam!” The last word was said by both twins in a very twin-like moment, as Farrah and her father held each other, and he kissed her forehead with a love strong enough to shake the very fabric of the universe itself.

23: Judoon Platoon

Farrah stared out the window of what was once her room at Alpenpark, before picking up the necklace she had forgotten some months earlier. Ursula was there too, but they decided to arrive on Farrah’s timeline because Ursula could explain the four years that she had been gone much easier than Farrah’s situation. She got up from the floor again, and continued to look out at the Bad Wiessee lake and the forests and mountains of the greenest green possible behind it. It had just started to rain…but Farrah had noticed something strange about the way it was falling, for the rain was not falling down, but up! She ran out to where Ursula was, chatting with the nurses who were also all over Farrah as soon as they saw her. They would have liked to meet Shakira, the unofficial Queen of Farrah’s doctors (including all other health care-givers), but she was too busy that day with the New Washington hospital and her own clients. “Ursula! It’s raining but the rain’s falling up!” Farrah yelled out, and then screamed. Out the window, she could not see the lake anymore, because they had somehow been transported to the moon! The nurses and everyone else started to completely freak out, except for Ursula. “Farrah, I know who has taken us to the moon, they are the enemies of my father. They are trying to-“ She was cut off by the sound of several Judoon storming their way in to the front desk, ordering the receptionist – an English expat – to hand Ursula over. Once they understood that she could not speak their language, one of them pinned the hysterical young woman to the wall, scanned her brain, and then said, “Language assimilation complete”, in the woman’s thick Cockney accent. It then repeated itself: “Bring us Ursula Jacobs! She is guilty of the crime of altering history and is a strategic advantage in our fight against the Sontarans!” The receptionist just screamed.

“What are we gonna do?” Farrah whispered, eyeing the window.

“They won’t let them go without me”, Ursula answered. “We have to escape, and make them follow us for them to return everyone to Earth.” There was an air bubble surrounding the clinic, but the oxygen would only last for a couple of hours.

One of the Judoon made their way towards the staff room, near the front desk. There was no way out except for the window, so Ursula had to climb out of it, just fitting through. It was too late for Farrah, as when it was her turn, the rhino-beast was standing at the door. “OI! WHERE IS URSULA?” it demanded.

“I don’t know…who’s Ursula?” Farrah asked, looking for a way to distract it so she could escape. She then noticed that Ursula slipped a rheon carbine gun into her back pocket, and quickly grabbed it while she made a silly attempt to explain herself. Not wanting to kill the rhinoceros-like alien, she fired it at the gun instead, disabling it.

“You DARE disable my weaponry? I’ll kill you, you daft bint!” it announced, turning back for reinforcements. Farrah took this opportunity to climb out the window herself, and ran to Ursula.

“Are you alright?” Ursula asked quietly.

“Yeah, but he’s out to get me now too.”

Still holding the rheon carbine, Farrah followed Ursula around the corner to another window.

“The safest way to get to my car is to go through the fire stairs. The Judoon are so law abiding that they will not think of using them unless there was an actual fire.”

“And where would they be?”

“Just around the corner.” They continued on, ducking to avoid being seen through the next window. Unfortunately, one Judoon had noticed the open window, and was now chasing Farrah and Ursula. “HEY YOU! SURRENDER AT ONCE!” it demanded.

“No!” Farrah answered, and fired her rheon carbine at its gun, while Ursula did the same, frying its weapon beyond all repair. The rhino-beast alien called the others, which gave them just enough time to reach the fire exit.

“It’s locked!” Farrah said as she tried to open it.

“Okay, then stand back for me”, Ursula told her, aiming her weapon at the lock and then blasting it out of a job. They pushed the door open, and raced down the stair to the underground carpark, which was teleported along with the rest of the clinic/hospital. Ursula instantly remembered where she left her car, which she unlocked with her voice. “Ich bin Dr Ursula Jacobs”, she said, successfully opening the door to the driver’s seat. Farrah climbed in too, and then Ursula started the engine. “We must get them to notice us, or else they will search the clinic until the air runs out!” she explained, driving the car out to the front door. She then beeped the horn to get the Judoon’s attention, and Farrah turned her window down to scream “HEY YOU!”, knowing that the car’s shield would still protect her.

“They’re escaping!” warned one Judoon, and then the others began to chase the two, firing their weapons in an unsuccessful attempt to kill them. They left the air bubble behind as they started to take off into space, stopping to taunt the Judoon by circling their ship so they would definitely get followed. As was hoped, the Judoon started to chase them.

“Have they sent Alpenpark back to Earth?” Ursula asked, as she was dodging an assault of plasma cannons.

“Yeah, I saw them do that rain thing and now it’s gone again”, Farrah answered.

Das ist gut.” Ursula smiled, and turned on the invisibility-capable shield, because she wanted to go back to Earth to make sure that her former colleagues and workplace were alright, so there was no use in teleporting through the time vortex. The plasma cannons stopped firing, as the less-than-intelligent Judoon lost sight of them and got confused in a way only they could, leaving Ursula and Farrah safe to travel back to Germany.

21: E Is For

“Hey Shakira, can we go back to Earth this afternoon? To my timeline?” Farrah asked. Shakira had the afternoon off, well, once she rescued Farrah from a mild but inconvenient healing reaction, and so did Farrah.
“Okay…why do you want to go home?” She re-secured one of the hair pins that were keeping her enormous pink scarf wrapped around her head.
“I want to sneak into the head of the hospital’s office to do some investigating, because I want to know exactly what their plans are”, answered Farrah, partly because she had been quite shaken by the false allegations that she was dying and planning her own funeral.
“So do I, actually. Wouldn’t the truth about your life sell better? A false positive diagnosis that was made to protect the corporations is much more interesting than someone dying.”
“Even when you take out all the space and time travel and aliens!” Farrah agreed. She ran to get her camera, and once she returned, put it in her handbag.
“You are not going to film all of this are you?” asked Shakira as she unlocked her TARDIS.
“No, just put any pictures I take online.” This was a safe thing to do now, since Farrah was living with Ursula on the almost exactly Earth-like Kos III. Shakira opened the door so that Farrah could enter, and then closed the door once she had followed her.
“Alright your timeline is the 1st of June, 2009, location…Los Angeles…” Shakira trailed off, finishing the co-ordinates. She let her TARDIS fly on its own, but once they were almost there she took control to land it perfectly in the corner of the head’s office. “And we are here!” she announced.
“Are you gonna turn it off again?” Farrah asked.
“I think that would be the safest option”, she said, “and you don’t mind me speaking in sign language?”
“No, actually you’re really loud so I was gonna ask if we could just use sign language here.”
Shakira laughed. “I get that all the time”, she agreed, as she switched off her TARDIS and decided to keep her hearing aids on for safety purposes, as well as not locking her TARDIS in order to save time if they got caught.
Farrah was the first of the two to step into the head’s office, looking around and taking in everything. It was on the top floor, and had a massive window that almost took up the entire wall. There was a big, fancy desk near the window, and a near-matching bookcase up against another wall; both of these were the same colour of wood that Shakira’s TARDIS appeared to be. Farrah paused to enjoy the view before going straight for the desk drawers. Shakira guarded the door. After what seemed like forever, Farrah walked over to Shakira, and signed, “I found nothing in his desk, but I found this key for the filing cabinets…Can you look in the bookcase for anything he could be hiding in there?”
“Yes, I can use my sonic screwdriver to warn us about anyone who’s coming.”
It turned out that Shakira did not need to scour the bookcase for any documents detailing dastardly plans, for Farrah let out a tiny gasp after five minutes of searching.
“Shakira look! I was going through E, I don’t know, I was just thinking ‘E for Evil Plans’, and then I found this!” Shakira’s star patient/dear friend was holding up a thin cream folder, with a paperclip securing its contents.
“What does it say?” she signed back. The noises coming from the sonic screwdriver suddenly changed to something more urgent sounding. “Someone is coming! We can read them in the TARDIS!” she sign-yelled, and then the two ran a few steps back into the TARDIS.
Shakira locked the door from the inside. “I am taking us back to your house”, she spoke, as the head of the hospital scratched his head and exclaimed, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CLOSET DOING HERE?” He had another surprise, as the ‘closet’ dematerialised in front of him on its way back to somewhere safer. “FUCKING HELL! Cocaine is NOT in my plans again for tonight!”
“Now, tell me what you found”, Shakira requested as they were still in flight. Farrah removed some of the pages and placed them on the console for them to read.
“They’re going to reduce the world’s population by 90%, by poisoning everyone.”
“You mean eugenics? Like the Nazis?”
“Yeah, the strongest 10% survive to start a Master Race. They’re not like Nazis Shakira, they ARE Nazis!” Farrah explained as she pointed to a swastika in the corner of the page.

20: Meddling Parents

“Farrah! Farrah!” Dex yelled while running upstairs. He then stupidly shifted his glasses so they were on top of his head, and as expected tripped over one of Farrah’s shoes. “Ow! My face!”
Farrah giggled. “What is it Dex?”
He stood right back up again, apparently not bothered by falling over. Well, it’s not like Dex isn’t used to falling over anyway. “You remember that song I played for you after I fixed your facelift? You know, when I was on my break and wanted to both visit your room and play my guitar but couldn’t decide? I played it for Elvis and he wants me to join him on stage!”
“Dex that’s wonderful!” she said, and hugged him. Shakira and Ursula were taking care of Farrah that day, restoring her immunity and other things against somebody’s odds, when they decided to have some fun with her SpaceTube/YouTube account. This led to all of Farrah’s doctors, except Lawrence, who was spending time with his mother, coming over to Ursula’s house and filming themselves/Farrah filming them performing ‘dramatic readings’ of various pro-Big Pharma blog posts. A couple of hours later, there was a new video online consisting of five people taking turns acting like retards.
Their evening of being themselves in front of a camera was then interrupted by Shakira’s phone ringing, as Lawrence was calling. “Salaam aleikum?”
“Hey Shakira!”
“How is your mother?” she asked, knowing that she should care about her future in-laws.
“Great….but there’s one problem….your parents are here!” he said, looking over his shoulder at the pair of stalkers future parents-in-law.
“LAWRENCE HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE?” Shakira yelled. Morality seemed to come second to their child getting married, and since she didn’t live with them, their lack of nagging power or whatever meant that they had to get ‘creative’.
“Your mother said she searched my name to find out where I work, and then both of them followed me home.” In this situation, ‘creative’ means ‘stalking… and possible hostage’.
“I cannot believe this…why did they follow you?”
“Something about how we apparently have to get married right now”, he sighed.
“They want grandchildren from me, and a Theran woman’s eggs run out once she turns 100….but don’t worry, we don’t go through menopause, there are no changing for you to worry about.” Shakira set her TARDIS translator to Spanish, so she could use Pashtun to talk privately, but her Spanish grammar was not always perfect.
“That’s right, you’re 99”, he remembered. “And because of all the death threats against me for not turning Farrah in but instead helping her threaten the drug company’s power.”
“We are not leaving until you agree to marry him!” Shakira’s father yelled in the hope she could hear it, which she did.
“Okay Lawrence I am coming over to try to reason with them, so bye for now”, she said, hanging up once he responded. “Everyone I have to go and attempt to reason with my crazy parents.”
“Oh I know what that is like! Good luck Shakira!” Ursula called out.
“Good luck!” Farrah added.
“Thankyou!” Shakira said as she stepped into her TARDIS, which disappeared along with her in a few seconds.
Shakira and her TARDIS materialised into the living room of Lawrence’s house, a spacious, open-plan place with big windows. She opened the doors, then locked them, only to be greeted by Lawrence, his mother and her own parents.
“Salaam aleikum…..mother, father, what are you doing here?” she asked.
“We are here because you must marry this man now!” her mother demanded.
“Why? We haven’t been seeing each other for long and you know I would wait until marriage!”
“Because his life is in danger and it is your duty to protect him! Also we want grandchildren from you!” Her mother spoke the first sentence, but both said the second.
“I told you dozens of times that I do not want children and you already have them!” Shakira reminded them.
“And my life isn’t in danger as much as you think; no one’s tried to kill me when I’m working there on my-“Lawrence was interrupted as someone fired a machine gun into his house, shattering a window. “Own. There was only hitmen once…aaaand now they’ve come for me. Shakira don’t you think maybe they have a point?”
Her eyes still hadn’t recovered from almost jumping out of her head. “Ithinktheymight.”
“I don’t want my baby to be murdered! You marry him now so he can move in with you!” his tiny mother ordered, hugging him tight.
Shakira’s parents grinned smugly. “Now you see our point?”
“Alright then I will marry him! But weddings are expensive!”
“We learnt that in America there are places that will marry people at a moment’s notice and it is quite cheap”, her father stated. “There is no excuse.”
“But what will I wear?” Shakira asked.
“My wedding dress”, her mother added, and continued, “Lawrence seems to own many suits so he can wear one of those. You two can have a proper wedding in the future but now we must get this over with so he can be safe with you.”
“Where is it then?” Shakira asked, wanting to get it over with too.
“In our TARDIS…Lawrence and Mrs Piro, let us go now, and please tell us how to get to Utah!” her mother demanded.

“Strawberry! Look at this!” Farrah sat at her computer, connected to Earth’s internet of four years in the past.
“What is it?” the ginger asked, throwing herself onto the couch like a ragdoll.
“The tabloids are saying I’m in hospital again and that I’m dying! They’re saying nothing about my videos or how I saved Earth!”
“Wow…it’s like they don’t want anyone to know the truth…” Strawberry said, confused at Earth’s strange customs of government/corporate censorship.
“The view counts on my videos are slowly climbing, and it’s only the conspiracy theorists that listen to me”, Farrah sighed. She still wasn’t giving up, no, she would never consider that. She looked at another article’s title. “I’M PLANNING MY FUNERAL? HOW DO THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS?”
Strawberry shook her head. “I have no idea.”
“What is going on?” Thomas asked curiously, his head sticking out from around the corner.
“Your news is stupid” stated Strawberry.
“That I know”, he agreed. Once he saw what Farrah was talking about, he added, “These people disgust me! I don’t want to know how low the pharmaceutical companies will go to stop you!”
Dr Vogl was about to find out. As he skimmed the article, Shakira’s TARDIS materialised in a corner of the room, the ‘new’ Victorian closet not looking out of place.
“Salaam aleikum everyone”, she announced, with Lawrence following her. “We just got married so Lawrence can live with me and be safe from hitmen.”
Dr Vogl spun around. “What?”

19: Invasion

“How many views does it have now?” Kate asked, as she and Farrah were on her roof. Lawrence was there too, looking through his telescope at the stars.
“My channel has thousands of views from outer space 4 years from now, but only a few dozen from here and now on Earth”, Farrah answered. Earlier that week, Ursula had shown her how to transmit her videos through time and space, from her galaxy’s internet in 2013 to Earth’s internet in 2009. That way, no one could delete her uploads or suspend her account again. Most comments were in support of her, but one was a flat “INFORMATION_RECEIVED” from an unverified date and by a strange group of metal men…

Meanwhile, the metal men just mentioned were floating on a massive ship through space, having originated from the planet Mondas.
“INFORMATION DOWNLOADED HAS CONFIRMED MATURITY OF CHEMICAL WEAPON KNOWN ON EARTH AS CHEMOTHERAPY, PURPOSE: TO IMPROVE COMPLIANCY RATE OF UPGRADES…TO DELETE INFERIOR AND NON-COMPLIANT LIFEFORMS…” one said, in its robotic voice. Years earlier, in the 1940s, the metal men known as Cybermen had planted a shipment of mustard gas where the German army would find it, and then planted the idea of creating a dangerous ‘medicine’ from it into the mind of a Nazi scientist. Thus chemo was invented, less than 10% effective at saving lives but incredibly dangerous and exactly what the Cybermen wanted to fulfill their plans.
Another added: “OTHER INFORMATION SUGGESTS FEMALE IS AN IMMORTAL BEING KNOWN AS AN ANGEL”, taking the name given to Farrah for her beauty and sweetness way too seriously. “COMMENCE PREPARATION FOR THE OBTAINING OF THE NOW MATURED CHEMICAL WEAPON AND THE UPGRADING OF THIS WORLD KNOWN AS PLANET EARTH!” it said, completely emotionless. The first one then left, to prepare the weapons and get all the other Cybermen into combat mode. A Cybermen never invaded a planet alone, no, there were thousands of them travelling aboard the ship that was approaching Earth.

“Hey Farrah, what do you know about spaceships? I can see one, and it’s coming closer, I think”, Lawrence asked while peering through his telescope.
“Really?” she replied, and got up to check out this apparent UFO. A few seconds after she found the ship, she jumped back. “Shakira told me about those! That’s a Cybership and they’re always full of Cybermen!”
“Uhh…what’s a Cyberman?”
“They’re basically robots with human nervous systems who want everyone else either killed or converted into one of them”, Farrah explained. She sent a message out to Shakira, Strawberry and Ursula on her now modified phone. Shakira was spending some time with about two dozen relatives, and Strawberry was delivering a baby, so only Ursula was available and able to hear her phone going off. A few minutes later, something that appeared to be a blue Chevrolet but was actually a ship capable of travelling through time and space landed safely on the roof, then Ursula stepped out of it. “Hello there Farrah, I got your message…how far away are they?”
Lawrence looked through his telescope once more. “They’re closer but not by much. How are you gonna fight these things anyway?”
“I have various Sontaran weapons. My father fought the Cybermen so I know all about them.” She opened the back door of her car. “To destroy the whole ship, we must plant this bomb somewhere inside it, but because it detonates quickly I will keep the trigger. My car has a built-in cannon-“ Kate was shocked by this – “What? I am half Sontaran! And I have a pair of rheon carbines, they are guns which can easily kill any Cyberman.”
Farrah stepped forward. “I guess I’d better get going then.”
“And try not to get killed!” Kate yelled from behind her.
“Good luck!” Lawrence added.
“Thanks…Kate I’m sure I’ll get out alive”, Farrah said, and got into Ursula’s ‘car’. They passed the clouds, then the stratosphere and the outer reaches of Earth’s atmosphere, and eventually reached the cybership, enormous and comparable to two wheels skewered onto half of a bicycle handlebar, but fortunately it was still only a quarter of the way between the Moon and Earth. Ursula slipped them behind the ship, turned to Farrah and said, “I was going to shoot a hole in the ship, but these idiots have automatic doors. They’ll let anything in.”
“Don’t you think that’s a trap? Like maybe there’s gonna be hundreds of them waiting for us?” Farrah asked.
“Then you just throw the bomb out of the car!” Ursula flew the car up close to the automatic doors, which let them in just as expected.
“See? I told you”, she said, and as they landed the car, neither of them found any Cybermen. “You press that button”, she continued, pointing to something on the rheon carbine, which looked like a silver magic wand with a blinking yellow light on the end that it fired from. Taking the bomb and locking the doors, she noticed how absolutely everything on the cybership was silver. No indoor plants to give it a more home-ish feel, or any décor of any kind, just functional silver machinery in a ship more sterile than an operating theatre.
“Hey do you think that’s a good place to plant it?” Farrah asked, putting a stop to Ursula’s observations as she pointed to a metal closet up against a wall.
“Ja I think so too, if it’s locked then the bomb will fit nicely in the corner next to it.” After Farrah nearly going blind, all because of the chemo she had in the past destroying her immune system, Ursula was surprised she could pick out distant objects when everything was not just silver, but the exact same bloody shade of it. Unfortunately, they couldn’t walk three steps without being noticed. “ALL INTRUDERS WILL BE UPGRADED OR DELETED”, threatened one of the three Cybermen, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
“Oh really…and what is this upgrade you guys like to threaten people with?” replied Farrah, as she made it obvious that she was armed. Just fucking shoot them!! Ursula thought, and hissed: “They remove your body parts and replace them with machinery WITH YOU WATCHING!”
“So my options are either something agonisingly painful or death? That doesn’t scare me, since I’ve already been there!” she yelled, firing the rheon carbine several times. She managed to kill all three of the Cybermen, who fell to the ground dead and making horrible metallic half-choking and half-screaming sounds as they did so. “Okay I’m done, let’s plant this bomb and get out of here”, she continued.
“Good…Sontarans do not tease their enemies; we just storm in and attack.” They ran to the closet in the distance, and when Farrah opened the closet they were intending to hide the bomb in, a shell of a Cyberman fell out and produced a loud crash that reverberated throughout the massive chamber they had landed in.
“Great, that’s really gonna buy us some time!” Farrah said as Ursula hid the bomb in the now empty closet. She closed the doors, then they both raced back to the car. More Cybermen were approaching as they began to fly out of the ship, but they weren’t shot down because, as a Sontaran, Ursula had her car reinforced against weaponry. They slipped out as the poorly-thought out doors opened again for them and Ursula pressed the trigger. “One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten!” she counted while flying at top speed, and just on time the cybership exploded, wiping out all Cybermen. Sure, Ursula could have just teleported them home, but she did want to see the ship get blown up. She then looked over at Farrah, who had just fallen asleep after making her so proud once again, and soon landed to find Lawrence and Kate watching the cybership explosion.