33: Pieces of the Puzzle

The breeze from the Caspian Sea gently stirred the leaves above, as Shakira, her twin Saghira and Strawberry had their heads literally together, reading a map. Farrah removed her camcorder from her bag.

“Farrah should you even be doing that?” Saghira gasped. The beauty school student wanted to come along, but wasn’t exactly the type for anything that could be called espionage or participating in conspiracies. Both twins travelled through time and space but Saghira’s life almost completely revolved around her home and family until last week, her first day of her diploma.

“If we save the world, I wanna show everyone how we did it”, Farrah answered, sticking her tongue out.

Strawberry pointed to the vague directions’ starting point, stolen by Ursula several days ago. “What is the blue moon?”

“Something blue and involving moons”, Shakira replied flatly.

Saghira jumped. “The mosque!”

“Which one?” She stopped pointing and looked more closely at the map, searching for this mosque.

“The Imangali Mosque on Satpaev Street”, Saghira explained. “It is blue with crescent moons.”

“Are me and Farrah allowed inside?”

“Yes but the directions say behind it, so we don’t need to go inside.”

The four women then took the nearest bus, stopping not so far away from the mosque and complete with passengers noting their peculiarities: abayas (must be tourists?), no arms (how does she do anything?) and very short hair (butch or ex-chemo patient? Why no wig? Women need long hair!). Both Farrah and Shakira paused to take a few pictures of it, then they made their way around the corner, past the benches and minarets, to the back wall that was facing a river bank.

“And…now what?” Shakira asked no one in particular. There was mud, and trees, not much that could really conceal anything, or any obvious signs of manmade structures.

“There’s trees….” Farrah trailed off. “And they have giant roots…”

“With something to hide?” Strawberry added.

The water lapping against the river bank provided background sound to their minimalist conversation. Along with several birds. “Such as a safe maybe…trapped by the tree roots? So it won’t wash away?” These last two questions were shared by Shakira and Saghira. They headed over to the largest tree, specifically to the most prominent roots that were facing the mosque. Taking out her sonic screwdriver, Shakira scanned for any signs of metal or plastic.

“Something is there!” she suddenly exclaimed. “It is being held by the roots, we were right.”

Saghira reached into her bag. “I thought there would be digging involved”, she said, pulling out a tiny gardening shovel.

“Can you see what it is with that thing?” Farrah lent in. Strawberry shrugged her shoulders, as her short arm-stumps weren’t capable of digging and she hadn’t learnt how to garden with her feet either.

“No I can’t…keep going Saghira! You are almost there.” Shortly afterwards, Saghira struck metal on metal, and with Farrah’s help she revealed: a sweet tin.

“That’s all?” Strawberry asked.

“Or maybe there is something inside…” Shakira opened the tin, which contained…..a piece of paper that was obviously torn from something else, detailing part of the schematics for some type of machine, and an RF oscillator.

“So we only found part of whatever it is we’re looking for…..” Farrah sighed.

“I would have liked a full schematic and where to find the other parts”, Shakira said, pocketing the torn off paper and oscillator. “We must see if there is anything else in the newspaper clippings.”

Previously, Shakira had left her sonic screwdriver on the ground. This was now held by Strawberry, who was crawling along the sand on her knees with it in her mouth. She circled the other tree, paying close attention to its root system.

“Mmmghmghhhmmm!” She pointed with her arm stump to whatever it was that the sonic screwdriver had picked up, now getting the attention of the others. They rushed over and began digging around the oversized roots…to unearth a case panel for some variety of machine. It was large, black and had a semi-irregular arrangement of holes meant for various meters and controls.

“And we have…” Saghira began.

“Something we could need, but is no help at all right now!” Shakira finished.

“Maybe we should go home…and read the newspaper clippings…” Farrah sighed. Shakira straightened, her protective instincts awakening. “I think I have another healing reaction coming on.”

“Aww honey!” Strawberry hugged Farrah with her face and shoulders, after dropping the sonic back into Shakira’s hand. “You want me to carry you?”

She smiled, answering with “Sure”, and climbed onto Strawberry.

“I’m all legs, I know”, she said as they both giggled. Shakira and Saghira carried their findings for the day, carefully watching for any danger – vans, people, helicopters – in every possible hiding place. One they made it back to the TARDIS, excusing the panel as something needing recycling when asked by the bus driver, the doors were quickly locked to ensure a safe return  trip back to Kos III, and later Thera. Locking the doors was warranted, however, as they were being watched.

31: Repeated Attempts

“WHAT IS THIS?!?” The fat, bald man slammed his hand onto his desk. “That BASTARD is alive? HOW?”

“What is it sir?” His female assistant asked, looking up from the notes she was typing.

“You know…. Michael Jackson is ALIVE!” He stood up. “Evidence from surveillance cameras show that he is connected with two of Farrah Fawcett’s doctors. Therefore he knows the truth and her plans. And now it looks like one of them has informed a security team to keep an eye on him so we can’t get him again!”

“And what are you going to do this time?”

“I’m trying to kill Farrah’s doctors! She wouldn’t beat us without them, they give her access to….things…especially that Pakistani or whatever thing and the fat German that both spoil her.”

“Why is Michael Jackson so important then?”

“Because he can tell the whole world about us and everyone will trust him.”

“What are you going to do about him?” she asked, beginning to get annoyed at his obsession with stopping Farrah and her doctors, for she was a supporter of the free market and honestly didn’t care what medicines people wanted in the hospital. She only cared about her own career, not his bullshit, especially as he never gave her the whole story.

“WELL…he is rehearsing today at the…” the fat bastard continued, detailing his backup plan drafted in case his previous one failed. Unfortunately for him, a man with thick glasses was standing outside the door, listening to everything starting with the attempts on his life.

Not so far away this time, Farrah sat on the grass eating pecan pie as Shakira’s phone went off. She and her twin Saghira decided to take Farrah back to Earth for the day, for she had the day off from work and her sister had the day off from college, and they were both close to Farrah. “Salaam aleikum!” she answered. “Dex? You overheard what?” She listened to Dex’s explanation of what he heard, peeved that her day off had been partially ruined by someone’s assassination attempt. On top of this, the twins were meant to meet a mass of extended family for almost a week in Atlantis that night, and foiling the hospital asshole’s plans stood a chance of making them late.

“It looks like we have to save Michael Jackson for a third time.” Shakira rolled her eyes. “He is rehearsing at the Staples Centre and there are assassins meant to arrive soon because he now knows the truth.”

“Why are they so desperate to keep you silent?” Saghira asked. Farrah replied with incomprehensible mumbling on account of her eating pie.

“We could easily take down the pharmaceutical industry, especially with his help, and we are aliens, another government secret.” She reached into her handbag, double checking that her gun was in there. “I am ready when you are.”

For the first time in a long time, Shakira and Saghira decided to park inside an Earth building, among a litany of stage props where the TARDIS would not be noticed. In fact, it looked normal in comparison to some of them.

Farrah poked some of the props, but keeping quiet as Michael was discussing lighting and such with the technicians. “And where did Dex say he was meeting us?”

“Once again the fire stairs”, answered Shakira, annoyed at this constant need to use the fire stairs, every single time. The three silently crept down the stairs, and then Farrah shoved her face up to the space between the door and the wall. “He’s here”, she whispered, as Saghira opened the door.

Dex was not on the same page of keeping quiet. “Hello ladies…”

“Shhhhhh!”

“Okay”, he whispered after the three of them ordered him to be quiet. They climbed the stairs *in silence*, and once they reached the backstage corridors, Dex pointed to Michael’s dressing room, flipping his glasses onto his head and then quickly replacing them after Shakira scowled at him. “They are going to try poisoning him, just in case”, he whispered as Saghira signed this for Shakira, for she could not hear his whispers.

Saghira pointed to the cans of Coke in his room once they arrived at the door. “I suppose it is poisoned?”

“Si, that is what I overheard.” Shakira, Saghira and Farrah then took turns throwing the cans out the window, while Dex listened for any potential interruptions.

“Hey who are those guys?” Farrah asked, pointing out the window to a suspicious looking black van.

“They are not very subtle”, Saghira added. “Are these the assassins?”

Dex slipped over to the window, as the driver and passenger climbed out. “Looks like it, he did say they were coming in a black van and were parking around here where they’d be a little harder to notice.”  Shakira removed her gun from her bag, shocking Saghira.

“Sister! You are not going to kill them are you?”

“No these are for stunning, they are not actual bullets.” She fired several shots, hitting both assassins, and then inserted some real bullets and took out two tyres, their windscreen and one rifle, which she almost missed. “They will be out for three hours, and this give us – “

“WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????” bellowed a 2 metre high, armed security guard with Michael Jackson trailing behind him.

All four spun around and froze. “TheguysoutsideweregonnakillMichaelsowesavedhim”, Farrah said rapidly and pointed. “Outthere.”

The security guard barged over to the window and looked out at the van and unconscious assassins.

“I did not kill them!” Shakira protested.

“I won’t believe ya until I see for myself”, he sneered, and marched down the fire stairs as it was the nearest exit, while the others followed.

“I told you!” Shakira said as she folded her arms, after the guard had felt the pulses of the assassins still beating.

“We will move them inside and call the police”, he flatly answered.

“What is this?” Saghira used one end of her hijab to pick up a piece of note paper from inside the van, partly to protect herself and partly to prevent her fingerprints from getting all over the potential evidence. She read the note out loud so everyone could hear.

“5891248.”

30: Eternally MJ

“Hey Shakira, can you teach me sign language so we can talk in private?” Lawrence asked, wiggling his eyebrows upon ‘in private’. Farrah was sleeping with her face pressed against Shakira, and Strawberry was downstairs…unusually quiet.

“I will start with the alphabet?” When her husband agreed, she replied with an ‘okay’, and then touched her right index finger to her left thumb. “This is A”, she said, then made her hands look like a pair of binoculars. “This is B”. Lawrence copied, then she bent her index finger and thumb so their tips faced each other. “C…”

“MICHAEL JACKSON DIED AGAIN!” Strawberry came hurtling into the room, crashing just a few feet short of the bed. This woke up Farrah, and the first thing she noticed was Strawberry on the floor, sobbing.

“What happened?” Shakira, Lawrence and Farrah asked simultaneously.

“I don’t know….it was like he was poisoned at the rehab centre…” They were once again interrupted by Ursula, also not too happy about what had happened on Earth.

“Someone may be punishing us for rewriting history; Farrah for this time you are not going home without one of us with you and armed.”

Not wanting to be murdered, Farrah replied with “Fine by me…when aren’t you armed?”, with the last part said quietly. “Is there anything you guys can do to get him back?”

“We have to go to the Nethersphere”, Ursula stated in her familiar let’s-get-to-business voice. “This time we cannot fly out because we were not ‘invited’, but I know how to get someone out of there and alive once more. Strawberry, you will have to stay here as you are too close to him now.”

“What? Is this an excuse, because I don’t have arms?” she asked indignantly. While she was one of the first armless doctors on Kos III, most discrimination she had received was from Earth and Sontarans, such as Ursula’s father.

“No, in the outer reaches of the Nethersphere, where I have located him, there are zombies which feed off of relationships broken by death. You will attract too many, so you must direct us from the console of Shakira’s TARDIS.”

“It let you in without me?”

“Yes and it has Michael Jackson’s location locked in, as it will have ours. Lawrence and Shakira, I want you with me, Strawberry, TARDIS.”

 

The three were then teleported into the Nethersphere from the TARDIS, connected to their dimension only by the earpiece phone worn by Ursula. “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?” she shouted down the phone.

“Yes I can hear you.” Strawberry’s voice came out loud and clear as she spoke into the TARDIS console’s microphone. “Where are you?”

“The outer limits. We are in a field walking towards what looks to be a passage underground, it just appears to be a door.”

“Great, it says you’re slowly closing in on him…the sooner you find him, the sooner you can all get out, right?”

“Yes, stop worrying.”

As they came closer to the door, the field changed. The sky grew red, and snow appeared. Shakira and Lawrence drew near to each other, as the former got her gun out, ready to fire. Ursula could hear something. A snarling, hideous zombie stepped out of the door, only to spew out degrading, hurtful, nasty insults as Shakira and Lawrence glared, wanting to find out more about this thing before they decided on how to deal with it.

“You can’t fight me…you can’t-“ The one thing you do not say to a Sontaran, even a half-Sontaran, is anything disparaging their fighting ability. Ursula aimed her blaster and blew up the bastard to kingdom come where it belongs.

“Well that’s one way to deal with it”, Lawrence flatly stated as they entered the door. They were now in the Nethersphere proper, a city with physics defying properties. Another door was in front of them.

“You’re getting there!” Strawberry cheerfully encouraged them.

“That is wonderful to know, considering that we are still being followed by zombies!”

She jumped. “Are you guys alright?”

“Yes. These ones only engage in psychological warfare.”

“It does not belong….it is weak…what is it?…what are they?…it is a douchebag…it is a bitch…it comes from a retarded gene pool…” The three looked around to discover the source of these new insults. They came from what looked like stone gargoyles.

“It is going to get a mouthful of lead if it doesn’t shut up!” Shakira yelled, pointing her gun.

“Can I walk three feet without being insulted?” Ursula answered, trying to open the door.

“It has bad posture…” one whispered, directing this at Ursula. “Isn’t that painful for it? It is the least of it’s problems now…”

“Does it and it know what a grenade is?” she threatened.

“Ursula, please stand back!” Shakira announced, shooting the door’s lock and hinges, making it crash to the ground.

“Well, that solves that problem”, she sniffed, then the three passed through the door…only to find themselves on a short jetty terminating in a dark swamp, complete with talkin’ insultin’ trees.

“Hey guys you’re getting really close! It’s like you hardly get closer to him at all and then you just jump!” Strawberry added through the earpiece.

“How’s it going?” Farrah chirped through the TARDIS microphone, with Strawberry answering with a (muffled, to Ursula) ‘Great! They’re coming closer to him!’

“Apparently we’re doing well…Farrah get yourself something to drink if you haven’t already, you know it is needed after hyperthermia treatments”, Ursula instructed as the talking trees (yes, fecking really) outspokenly doubted Shakira and Lawrence’s abilities to find Michael Jackson.

“They aren’t saying anything about Ursula”, Shakira noted under her breath.

“Maybe they’re trying to discourage us….maybe to trap us in the Nethersphere? Or just keep him here?” Lawrence looked around, feeling a little better about the situation now that he seemingly figured it out. The trees paused. “King. Of the. Fucking. Jungle”, he added.

“Now…how do we get out of this one?” Ursula wondered out loud. She tentatively stepped off the jetty and onto the muddy ground….which was just mud. She fell in. “WHAT IS THIS SHIT???” she screamed, a rare occasion where she did swear. The more she struggled, the faster she sank, and Shakira and Lawrence dived for the jetty’s edge to save her. This didn’t work, for now they were all in the mud, sinking, and Farrah could hear half of her medical team seemingly drowning in mud. Their screaming was broken by Ursula exclaiming “What NOW?” as they each fell face down onto ….snow. Yes really.

“Almost there!” Strawberry cheered, having left the console to get a snack.

“You didn’t hear? We almost drowned!” Ursula scolded, sitting up to shake the snow out of her hair.

“Oh shit…” Lawrence pointed out the fact that several zombies were approaching. They looked around for better weapons than just Shakira’s handgun, as Ursula then noticed that additional annoyances were arriving. The zombies seemed to be heading for the massive gate that stood before them; a fog behind this gate poorly concealed an autumnal forest.

“What’s this?” Shakira dug half of a Dalek shell out of the snow. “It looks like it’s functional!”

“Mine too!” Lawrence found a less intact shell, just the part where the weapon was, but it still worked. The zombies began their insulting tirade in their usual whisper, as Ursula charged her blaster and Shakira found the Dalek speaker. “DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF HOPELESSNESS! DALEKS HAVE NO CONCEPT OF…..INSIDE VOIIIIICE!” she screeched through it.

“SONTAR-HA!” Ursula screamed as she obliterated the first zombie. The other two followed her lead, also blasting the rest of the zombies to kingdom come. Lawrence fired the last shot at the gate in order to blow up the gigantic lock, and then he and Shakira (somewhat irresponsibly) discarded their shell parts before running through the fog. They found themselves in a deciduous forest, during what was meant to be autumn, apparently, with Strawberry announcing that they were right on top of Michael’s position…..and there he was…near a gravestone.

The three all yelled out some variant of “Michael Jackson! We found you!” and ran towards him.

“Who are you?” he asked, confused.

“We’re friends with Strawberry”, Shakira informed him.

“And Dex, remember, they saved you?” Lawrence added.

“YAAAAAAY YOU FOUND HIM!” This was audible even to Michael, especially as Ursula ripped the headset off to protect her hearing.

“Now what?” asked Lawrence.

“The cliff….I have done this before. The bridge-“ Ursula pointed to a bridge to the Nethersphere proper in the distance “leads to the Nethersphere, jumping off of the cliff teleports you back to where you came from in the living world. Michael Jackson will come back with us if he holds on to at least one of us. Just trust me.” They then headed for the edge of the cliff, which did not have an unforgiving river or set of jagged rocks at the bottom, but instead a view of various places in the living universe that was constantly changing.

“Are you ready?” Ursula asked, as the three surrounded Michael and held on to him. “One…two…three…jump!” Wind whistled around them as time seemed to slow down, all holding onto each other as if their lives depended on it, eyes tightly closed. The next thing they knew, they were on the grass outside Strawberry’s house, next to the TARDIS.

Shakira flung open the doors. “Strawberry! He is back! We found him!” The redhead squealed, racing to her friend and embracing him with her neck and arm-stump. “YOU’RE ALIVE!!!”

“Yes Strawberry! You guys saved me…again! Thank you so much!”

“We wouldn’t leave you to stay dead! Ursula says you have to stay here for a few days…is that okay?”

“Naw, I don’t mind at all”, he agreed, as the two disappeared to catch up on the last couple of days.

((A/N: Isn’t it obvious, I don’t like Eternally Us 😛 ))

27: The Nethersphere

Shakira and Ursula gazed out of their windows as they shot through the Time Vortex in Ursula’s blue ‘Chevrolet’. As they were going to see Farrah, both of them were thinking about what they were doing for her this time, which often wasn’t easy because of her delicate health and complicated medical history.

“HEY!” Shakira was suddenly interrupted by lightning striking the Chevrolet and then a sensation of them being sucked out of the Vortex, much different to when she or Ursula flew themselves out of their own free will.

“What is going on?” Ursula said to both Shakira and herself as they checked for any problems with her ship. They found nothing except for some message about a distress call, and soon crashed into a city street. Neither of them were familiar with this strange place; it was a city resembling many of those on ‘developed’ planets inhabited by humanoids, but instead of a sky, the city just kept going on in every direction! Unlike every other planet they knew of, it was not on the surface but on the inside of a sphere. “Are you alright?” Ursula asked, as Shakira blinked several times, like she was trying to figure out if this was real or not.

“Yes, are you? Where are we?”

“I am alright, but I don’t know…I’ve never heard of this planet or any world that is inside out.” After Ursula parked her car/ship in a less disruptive and conspicuous place, both women stepped out to explore with the hope of finding out where they were and what brought them there. Certain types of emergency distress calls were known to suck people out of the Vortex into worlds they weren’t intending on travelling to, but neither of them knew for sure what was happening. What danger could possibly lie in a world so hard to reach?

“Salaam, my friend and I got lost in the Time Vortex, where are we?” Shakira asked a beautiful woman with blonde curls. Her hope of finding an answer was temporarily shattered, as the woman replied back with something in English and the translation software in Ursula’s ship was down. While she could speak Spanish, and even German, and communicate across the Middle East from India and her Pashtun ancestral lands up to Turkey, English was not something a Theran learnt unless they were living in one of only five countries that spoke it. Ursula then stepped in and repeated what Shakira had said in German.

“This is the Nethersphere!” was the answer, which Ursula translated back.

[“What? The world where many souls have been uploaded to, instead of being allowed to reach heaven? I thought it was just a myth!”]

“No, it’s real, but I don’t know how anyone living could get in here”, the woman replied.

“My ship said it was an emergency distress signal, some types can pull unsuspecting crafts out of the Vortex so they have no choice but to rescue the sender.”

“Okay now that’s just unbelievable, I’ve tried to contact Earth several times but nothing’s gotten through”, the woman folded her arms. “You’re probably just dead.”

Annoyed at her scepticism, Ursula turned around to the sound of a young woman with glasses running towards them, and a much calmer man with a short beard and ‘matching’ hair trailing behind her. She had her brown hair in a ponytail, and was wearing a white coat and bow tie; the man had no unusual features and was just in normal street clothes, but was quite handsome really.

“Excuse me, but was that your ship that crashed?” bow-tie woman asked.

“Yes it was, how did you know?”

Bow-tie shot out her hand. “Osgood, ma’am”, she introduced herself, shaking both Ursula’s and Shakira’s hands.

[“Was it you who sent the distress signal?”]

“Yes…I don’t know where I am!” Osgood replied after translation. “Someone killed me, I think, and now I’m here and I don’t know what’s happening!”

Ursula rested her hand on the strange woman’s shoulder, looking concerned. “You couldn’t call us so we could fly here and know what is going on?”

“No, it wasn’t strong enough to communicate and pull you in here, no one can pilot themselves into the Nethersphere.”

[“If communication is difficult enough then how do you know if we are able to leave this place?”] asked Shakira.

“Danny…he sent someone back to Earth with a bracelet…I don’t know what it was…but I know that we can leave, and even if we are dead we’ll have our bodies back as soon as we leave.” She gestured to the man behind her. “This is Danny, he wants to go home too, now that he’s just LEARNT SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT THAT HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN EARLIER!”

“Salaam aleikum, Danny”, Shakira said as Ursula also greeted him.

Danny didn’t look very sure of himself. “Yeah, hi, I did send someone back to Earth when I found out that he’d be brought back to life.”

“And what were you told by Clara’s mother, who’s been watching her more than you have?”

“My girlfriend is pregnant!” he said with mixed emotions.

Ursula translated everything to Shakira. [“She is pregnant with your baby? I heard rumours that it was The Doctor’s baby.”]

“Nah, have you seen his face now? She wouldn’t go for that. Look, we want to get out of here as soon as possible, I don’t have time to talk about gossip.”

“That is okay with us”, Ursula replied, “neither of us want to be here either. We are parked in the alley, just down the road.”

The four of them walked back to Ursula’s ship, with the sceptical blonde looking on, then going off to someplace else.

“A Chevy? Nice”, was Danny’s reaction to seeing her ship. “I thought they just came as phone boxes.”

“I see Chevys are cool now too, like bow ties”, Osgood agreed.

[“My TARDIS is in the form of a mahogany Victorian closet, they can come in any shape, but Ursula’s ship is not a TARDIS because it is not bigger on the inside”] Shakira added, as Ursula hadn’t stopped translating.

“Victorian? I know someone who would have liked that.” Osgood was thinking of the eighth version of The Doctor, who she wanted to meet, because she thought he was the best looking and most romantic, but didn’t know what it would do to the time line.

Ursula started her ‘Chevy’. “Alright I need to reach a certain speed before we enter the Vortex, I suppose I will just fly around the inside since we cannot go into space.” Danny quickly found some appropriate music on her radio, the last few minutes of November Rain. As Slash prepared to start his wailing guitar riff, the Chevrolet began to reach the speed which would allow them into the Time Vortex. Closer and closer they became, until everything around them was a blur to the sound of Slash and the rest of the band giving it all they’ve got. “Everybody needs somebody, you’re not the only one, you’re not the only one!” Guns n Roses sang as the four entered the Time Vortex.

[“They are from Earth number 1963, if The Doctor’s companions are from the same planet”] Shakira told Ursula. She smiled back and said, [“I know that from working on Terminus, I didn’t need to read it in the Intergalactic Enquirer.”]

[“No, I read the article about Clara being pregnant and the Cybermen attacking in The Nebula.”] Shakira’s taste for trashy tabloids was a guilty pleasure she shared with her twin sister, and did not often discuss it with anyone else. Ursula refrained from explaining their conversation to Osgood and Danny, and just said that they knew where to go. Soon enough, they had arrived back on Earth, landing this time in the grounds of a primary school, an inconspicuous place seeing as it was the weekend.

“Do you know where to go from here?” Ursula asked them.

Osgood looked around, while Danny was still mentally freaking out over being a father. “Yeah this was my school! I can call UNIT anyway; come on Danny”, she said excitedly, snapping him out of his semi-coherent internal monologue. They got out of the Chevrolet ship, Osgood calling UNIT to get picked up once they were out of the school.

Shakira turned to her friend. “That was…interesting.”

“And now you know not to believe everything you see in tabloids.”

She blushed. “HEY! I don’t believe most of what I read in the tabloids! Me and my sister just read them to make fun of them.”

Ursula laughed. “Shall we go to see Farrah now or do you want to make sure they are safe?”

“I am sure they will be fine, the woman with the bow tie knows what she is doing now that she is home….and besides I want to see Farrah.” Despite time travel removing the issue of running late, she still didn’t want to be late on her time as she found it quite rude.

“Okay then.” Ursula set the co-ordinates and started the engines, trying to refrain from teasing Shakira about her love of tabloids. “And we are off…”

26: HIStory Altered, Again

Dex, Holly 13 and Strawberry left the Italian restaurant where they had just eaten dinner, and were now walking down the street back to Strawberry’s “car”. It was safer for Dex show his face in public than it was for Lawrence, because no one would know that he was helping Farrah escape and ruin the pharmaceutical companies. Sure, there was that one time when Farrah had a facelift and Dex let her stay at his house, where the paparazzi got pictures of them, but they were terrible and they spelt his name wrong.
“OW!”
Strawberry turned towards Dex, assuming that he’d taken his glasses off in order to look ‘cool’ and had consequently tripped or run into something. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah”, Dex said, rubbing his head. He bent over to pick up a piece of paper that had been wrapped around a pencil. “This thing fell from the sky and hit me!…hey look at this!”
Holly and Strawberry looked over Dex’s shoulder as they all read the note.
“Help me! I’ve been kidnapped by a crazy guy and I’m trapped in this hotel”, Holly began.
“I’m in the 8th room on the 4th floor”, Strawberry continued.
“Please get me out of here before he comes back”, Dex concluded. “It’s signed ‘Michael’.”
“I guess we’d better help him then”, said Holly.
Strawberry agreed. “We have time, but it doesn’t matter anyway! Whoever he is, he’s in trouble, and he could be killed!”
The three then proceeded to enter the hotel, a very fancy branch of an international chain. When the woman at the front desk questioned them, Dex just told her they were visiting their friend Michael; luckily she didn’t ask for a last name. Nervous, Holly counted the floors as they took the elevator, which was annoying but she couldn’t help herself.
“Wait…how are we supposed to get in if we don’t have a room key?” Dex asked no one in particular once they had arrived, then remembered that Shakira had given them her sonic screwdriver in case they got into trouble and needed it. Several clumsy attempts finally yielded the result of the door unlocking, which allowed Dex, Holly and Strawberry to enter.
“I’m in here!” the high-pitched, male voice called out. Glancing over at each other, they quietly stepped into the bedroom.
Dex got down on the floor so they would be on the same level. “Are- are you alright?” The man had a bandanna over his face, his odd-looking face, and very pale skin, for it was not just any man, but Michael Jackson!” Strawberry and Holly dropped to the floor too, and Strawberry glared at Dex for a second over the excessive plastic surgery that this man had. Dex responded with a look that said ‘Que? I’m innocent…I would never agree to doing this anyway!’
“No!” Michael answered, relieved but impatient. “A transvestite kidnapped me yesterday, real early in the morning; he said he was saving me!”
“Saving you from what?” asked Holly, while Strawberry was too shocked to speak.
“He said that if I stayed home, I’d overdose on prescription drugs and die that day!”
Dex folded his arms. “Aaaand….do you have a problem with prescription drugs?”
Michael looked embarrassed. “Kind of…I didn’t take them for long and then I started to feel like I couldn’t live without them! My doctor never really helped, he just kept prescribing more drugs to deal with the side effects of what I was already on!”
“That is completely irresponsible! The drugs are often essentially poisons, even I know that! What exactly were you taking?”
Michael then gave a laundry list of prescriptions that disgusted Dex, confused Holly and caused Strawberry to ask if these things actually existed. “Uh when you say that a transvestite kidnapped you, what does he look like?”
“He has thick black hair that goes down to his shoulders, and heavy makeup, like red lipstick and too much eyeshadow, and he wears a black corset and giant fake pearls! He also has a tattoo on his arm that says ‘Boss’ in a heart.”
Strawberry gasped. “That’s Frank N. Furter! He’s always out to ruin people’s lives just for fun, and I know that he’s been time travelling!”
“Wait…so I was really gonna die?”
She didn’t know how to answer this. “Ummm….yeah. Reports of you dying disappeared from the intergalactic internet yesterday too, you can only find them under the time-cache tab; but Dr Furter wouldn’t save someone because he cares about them, he’d only do that for some kind of personal gain.”
“Well that was obvious…look can you guys untie me? I don’t know when he’s gonna come back!”
The three untied Michael Jackson – Strawberry with her feet – and gave him their names. “Thanks guys”, he said, “let’s get out of here now.”
“I was waiting for you to say that”, Strawberry agreed as she stood up. Everyone looked around for any sign of the transvestite as they left the room and waited for the elevator, hoping that he wouldn’t surprise them with an entrance. This lasted about ten seconds before fear persuaded them to bolt down the fire stairs, which they assumed they only had to do with Farrah, caring for her or otherwise.
“Okay now that we’re out, where do you wanna go?” Holly asked Michael.
“Actually I was thinking that I should get some help before I really do overdose, I don’t want to die and I don’t want my doctor controlling me anymore.”
“That would probably be the best idea”, said Dex as they walked back to Strawberry’s ‘car’. After the reached her time- and spaceship that appeared to be a red Mustang, they searched for the best rehab centre on Strawberry’s computer. Michael, however, was quite distracted by the fact that he was sitting inside something that could travel through time and space, but he soon agreed on a centre outside of California and away from his horrible, enabling ‘doctor’ and Frank N. Furter. The three then dropped him off at this relatively private, asshole-doctor-free location and made their way home.

A/N: When you ride alone, you ride with the patriarchy! Join a car sharing club today! 😛 https://en-maktoob.news.yahoo.com/shoura-woman-says-more-needed-women-empowerment-085826787.html

25: A Very Special Episode, Or Something

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!” a loud scream emanated from the console room in Shakira’s TARDIS.

“Farrah, what’s wrong?” Saghira, Shakira’s twin, asked as she ran out from the TARDIS’ bathroom. She had just bought everything she needed to start her beauty therapy diploma, despite it being a month away.

“They’re saying I’m dead! The news on my Earth in my time says I died this morning!”

“Farrah sweetheart what’s wrong?” Shakira asked as she entered the console room, then looked at the computer screen. “Oh no…” It was not only trashy tabloids that were saying Farrah was dead, there were also reports on legitimate news sites! Shakira and Saghira hugged her, because your homeworld thinking you’re dead can’t be anything other than horrible.

“I have to go see daddy”, she said, “I don’t want my family to believe this.”

The sisters looked at each other. “We have time”, Saghira told her, then they left the room to put on their hijabs. When they returned, Shakira began to fly her TARDIS to Corpus Christi, Farrah’s hometown, specifically to her father’s house. Things were going smoothly, until a face appeared on one of the console’s computer screens.

“Shakira Seddiqi, you are under arrest for wilfully altering the timeline.”

Saghira and Farrah gasped, and Shakira looked up. “Oh it is YOU again. Who do you think you are?”

“Constable King of the Gallifreyan Federal Police.”

“Are you picking on me specifically because I broke up with you? There are thousands of police and dozens of alterations to the timeline coming from Thera and Kos III, why me and why you?”

“Come on Shakira, if you just accepted the loss of Farrah, married me and had my children then none of this would be happening. Euthanasia isn’t that bad, and if you allow her to die like she should then you will be released without charge.”

“I don’t want any of that! I do not want to let Farrah die, give up my career, be submissive to you and have babies, and you are not entitled to MY agreement!” Her argument was the perfect distraction, as she reached over to a control panel and sent an SOS message to Strawberry and Ursula, providing her location in the Vortex.

“Yes I am, you are not a Time Lord and therefore an inferior being, so none of this is about your opinion you stupid flatworm!”

The speciesist slur of ‘flatworm’, a reference to the agelessness of Therans and their supposed lack of intelligence (Time Lords considered their much more egalitarian/non-hierarchial society, stealing of TARDISes and casual history changing to be signs of stupidity), annoyed Saghira, who usually stayed out of lover’s and ex-lover’s arguments. “You have no right to speak to my sister like that! After three months of dating you didn’t learn anything about her!” she yelled at the redheaded police officer.

“YEAH!” Farrah agreed. “And you have no right to talk to my friend like that! Especially when she’s also my doctor and she saved my life!”

“GREAT, everyone else has to put their two cents in too! This is getting nowhere! Open fire!” King said, and disconnected the video call. The police fired at Shakira’s TARDIS, missing twice and hitting once, but her shields prevented it from causing any damage. Shakira’s weapons were different, which did not intend to kill but instead meant to disable the offending craft, thereby knocking it out of the Vortex, and this meant they could also bypass any shields.

“Farrah, remember what I showed you?”

“The guns?”

“Yes, you take this one”, she said, gesturing to the weapons control panel on her left, while she stood in front of the other.

“I will steer your TARDIS”, Saghira offered, and then brought an image of the police’s TARDIS on the screen, so she could avoid it and the others could aim properly. Shakira fired several shots, each beginning to create a field of energy around the other TARDIS. When it was developed enough to completely envelope the TARDIS, it would penetrate the offending craft, fry the engines and disable it for several days.

Another shot was successfully fired at Shakira’s TARDIS. “They are weakening the shields! Do you think we could disable them before they destroy us?” Saghira asked.

“I have called-Wait! There they are!” Shakira replied, as a flying red Mustang and an equally capable blue Chevrolet burst into the Vortex.

“Shakira!” Ursula, the driver of the blue car/space and timeship, called the TARDIS videophone. “Are you alright? And are your shields still strong?” Thomas and Lawrence were in the car with her, and Lawrence was especially worried.

“Yes and they are at 85%, but we still need you.”

“Are you using real guns or the disabling ones?”

“The disabling ones, Ursula. I don’t want to kill them.”

“Alright then.” Ursula charged her own weapons and then proceeded to fire them at the police’s TARDIS together with Shakira, while Thomas used a hand-held version.

“Shakira! Hey sorry if I’m late are you okay?” Strawberry had just entered the Vortex along with Dex, saving Shakira even more time and effort.

“That is alright Strawberry, and yes we are all okay.”

“Dex, can you get the gun out of the glove compartment?”

“Si amiga, I just pull this trigger here, no?” Dex asked, pointing to the trigger on what appeared to be a much upgraded, adult nerf gun.

“Yeah it’s that one, I really need to get one built in”, she said, and then they joined in the fight against the Time Lord police.

Lawrence decided to distract the police. “Hey you, whoever you are!” he yelled after calling them.

“What the fuck do you want? You’re under arrest too!”

“How about leaving my wife alone?”

King rolled his eyes. “You can stand living with that? She never did what she was told!”

“Shakira can do what she wants, and because of her I know that I don’t have to basically poison people or watch someone die every week.  She opened up a whole new world to me and you don’t know how grateful I am.”

His distraction worked, as they managed to create an energy field almost strong enough to disable the TARDIS without further damage to their own ships.

“Everyone we just need one more shot each and they won’t be policing anyone in that TARDIS for a week. Maybe we can do it together?” Shakira suggested.

“Of course we can! It is more fun that way!” Ursula agreed, her Sontaran side definitely showing today.

“Ja I have mine still fully charged!” Thomas aimed his gun out of the window, protected by Ursula’s shields.

“Okay we’re ready when you are”, added Strawberry, glancing over at Dex, who was in the same position as Tom.

“Alright then….three, two, one, NOW!”

They fired their weapons simultaneously, with all of the beams coming together to form one burst of energy, and then penetrating the Time Lord police’s TARDIS along with the energy field from previous shots, frying every electronic system within. It disappeared from the Vortex in a burst of light, not before getting hit by lightning too.

“YAY WE DID IT!” both Strawberry and Dex cheered, unfamiliar with fighting oppressive ‘law enforcement’ but definitely excited about saving their friends.

“Thankyou so much for helping me escape, I am honoured to have you all as my friends…not everyone would do this”, Shakira said over the TARDIS phone.

“Hey anytime Kira!” replied Strawberry, and Dex gave a similar answer while trying not to drop his glasses.

“It is no problem my dear.”

“Ja it was kind of fun anyway.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, I’ll see you this afternoon?” answered Ursula, Tom and Lawrence respectively.

“Yes I am coming this afternoon my love, but for now I have to take Farrah to her father’s house because almost everyone from Earth thinks she’s dead.”

“What? That’s terrible! Farrah are you alright?”

“I’m okay Dr Piro-“

“Lawrence, just call me Lawrence now.”

“I just want to go home. I don’t know if he believes them or not, and I really hope he doesn’t.”

“And that is where we will go”, added Shakira and said, “I will see you all later!” to everyone as she flew the TARDIS out of the Vortex and into the backyard of a home in Corpus Christi, Texas.

“Hey, what the-“ an old man left the kitchen and ran out into the yard as a slightly familiar mahogany Victorian closet materialised. He stood there staring, as two almost identical women, one wearing a black hijab with an aqua border and the other wearing a white one with gold embroidery on the edges, and his daughter, looking young and fresh but a little damaged and short haired, emerged.

“Daddy!” Farrah ran to her father, embracing him with more strength in her arms than what she’d had in a long time.

“Farrah honeypie I thought you were dead!” he said through happy tears – an improvement on the despair-driven crying of an earlier hour.

“No I’m not”, she turned to Shakira and Saghira, “can you pick me up tomorrow?”

“Of course we can!”

“Have a good time!”

“I was going to say that”, Shakira giggled, “We will be going now, bye and Salaam!” The last word was said by both twins in a very twin-like moment, as Farrah and her father held each other, and he kissed her forehead with a love strong enough to shake the very fabric of the universe itself.

24: Almost Murder in Texas

Shakira and Lawrence kissed as they entered her TARDIS. They had just been out together, which involved crashing a ball on some kind of Italian cruise liner in outer space after some legitimate dinner in a restaurant that condoned their presence. Lawrence had shown her some of the European ballroom dances, and they danced for a few hours before deciding to head home. However, they weren’t tired because Lawrence being Italian and Shakira being Muslim (and therefore forbidden from alcohol) meant they were still coming off a caffeine high. “That was wonderful!” Shakira said as she entered the co-ordinates for their home.

“I’m still trying to get it through my head that we were on a cruise ship in space! In here you don’t really see where you’re going”, Lawrence replied, then looked around as the TARDIS shook. “What’s that?”

“I don’t know, maybe it is safe to assume that my TARDIS has other ideas besides going home.” Shakira was right, as once they stepped out to look around, something shocking was there to greet her. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!” she screamed, not caring about who could hear. It was one of hers – not just any of them, but Joan, another version of Farrah – lying in a hospital bed, physically wracked by some unknown thing.

“I thought we were supposed to keep calm around our patients!” Lawrence whispered. Shakira whispered back, “Says the one who spent years poisoning people!” and approached Joan. “Salaam aleikum sweetie, what is wrong?”

“I don’t know, I just –“ she turned away to throw up again. Shakira took out her sonic screwdriver, which she had just updated to detect acute poisoning, and used it to scan Joan, who wasn’t unfamiliar with her alien technology.

“She has been poisoned!” Shakira announced, and fixed her eyes on Joan’s husband, who was looking very guilty.

“I didn’t do it!” he protested.

“I have lie detection software on this too, and it does not agree with your denial!” she retorted. “Lawrence, grab him and shut him in a closet once we are inside my TARDIS, I will take care of Joan.” Shakira helped Joan stand up, and half-carried her while letting her walk as best as she could; Lawrence held her now ex-husband in something resembling a wrestling hold he remembered from high school.

“Come on sweetheart”, Shakira said as she took Joan to the bed in her TARDIS’ medical office, and brushed her hair back with her fingers before rushing to find the antidote. Joan had been poisoned by morphine, something all doctors had easy access to, so Shakira was going to counteract it with atropine. After much searching (for her liking), she found the small bottle of atropine on the shelf of antidotes, and quickly dived in to the drawer where she kept the hypodermic needles – while Joan only needed a small amount, it had to be injected or else its effects would begin to appear too late. “Come here, give me your arm”, she said softly, then injected the necessary amount of antidote. As soon as she disposed of the needle, she sat on the bed and held Joan, fearing for her patient’s life until she could feel her beginning to breathe deeper, and relaxing instead of trying not to vomit. Joan was recovering, and was now breathing as deep as she should, but gasping as if she had almost drowned. Shakira placed her on her left side and stroked her back. “Do you have anywhere else you can go? You cannot go back to your husband if he tried to kill you.”

“I can go back to my daddy”, she answered, barely loud enough for Shakira to hear, and continued, “hey…maybe someday I could be a doctor like you” and ran her finger over Shakira’s hijab.

“I think you could do anything that you set your mind to”, Shakira replied, taking her hand, and then yelled out to the bastard in her console room’s closet: “I AM SENDING YOU TO STORMCAGE CONTAINMENT FACILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID! IF THEY DEEM YOU NOT EVIL ENOUGH THEN SENDING YOU BACK TO THIS TIME IS THEIR JOB AND NOT MINE!”

Joan looked up at her. “What’s Stormcage?”

“Stormcage is a maximum security prison from another time and place. They can send him back here if or when they release him, but I’m sure attempted murder is deemed unacceptable.” She slipped a monitor around Joan’s wrist, and a pulse oximeter over her fingers, then removed a pager from the side of the machine. “I have to send him there now, but if you are in trouble this will tell me”, she explained. Shakira entered her TARDIS’ console room, and then Lawrence told her, “He’s in here”, pointing to the storage closet. He opened the door, and Joan’s husband stumbled out, shouting “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU FUCKING VIGILANTE ASSHOLES?” while Shakira and Lawrence tied him up. Lawrence then wrote ‘I’m a sneaky asshole who tried to murder my wife and I deserve everything I get’ on a piece of paper and taped it to the rope. Shakira piloted her TARDIS to Stormcage, though it was rough and the floor shook, only Joan’s (ex) husband fell over and she didn’t get a false alarm from the pager that would indicate Joan falling out of bed and the monitor coming loose. She landed them all in Stormcage’s front office, so she and Lawrence could unceremoniously dump him outside. “THIS BASTARD TRIED TO MURDER HIS WIFE!” Lawrence yelled out, while Shakira said something similar, which attracted the attention of a guard.

“Well then, you’ve done the right thing in sending him here!” the guard replied, and just as he began to ask “Wait, aren’t you-?”, Shakira locked the doors so they could make their way home. There was no way that she would let herself be identified as That History Altering Bitch in a maximum security prison! Joan was staying with them for the night, as she still needed to be watched and cared for, but really, everything was alright now, as the murder in Texas that was meant to take place had been averted and a very special woman was about to start a new life.

23: Judoon Platoon

Farrah stared out the window of what was once her room at Alpenpark, before picking up the necklace she had forgotten some months earlier. Ursula was there too, but they decided to arrive on Farrah’s timeline because Ursula could explain the four years that she had been gone much easier than Farrah’s situation. She got up from the floor again, and continued to look out at the Bad Wiessee lake and the forests and mountains of the greenest green possible behind it. It had just started to rain…but Farrah had noticed something strange about the way it was falling, for the rain was not falling down, but up! She ran out to where Ursula was, chatting with the nurses who were also all over Farrah as soon as they saw her. They would have liked to meet Shakira, the unofficial Queen of Farrah’s doctors (including all other health care-givers), but she was too busy that day with the New Washington hospital and her own clients. “Ursula! It’s raining but the rain’s falling up!” Farrah yelled out, and then screamed. Out the window, she could not see the lake anymore, because they had somehow been transported to the moon! The nurses and everyone else started to completely freak out, except for Ursula. “Farrah, I know who has taken us to the moon, they are the enemies of my father. They are trying to-“ She was cut off by the sound of several Judoon storming their way in to the front desk, ordering the receptionist – an English expat – to hand Ursula over. Once they understood that she could not speak their language, one of them pinned the hysterical young woman to the wall, scanned her brain, and then said, “Language assimilation complete”, in the woman’s thick Cockney accent. It then repeated itself: “Bring us Ursula Jacobs! She is guilty of the crime of altering history and is a strategic advantage in our fight against the Sontarans!” The receptionist just screamed.

“What are we gonna do?” Farrah whispered, eyeing the window.

“They won’t let them go without me”, Ursula answered. “We have to escape, and make them follow us for them to return everyone to Earth.” There was an air bubble surrounding the clinic, but the oxygen would only last for a couple of hours.

One of the Judoon made their way towards the staff room, near the front desk. There was no way out except for the window, so Ursula had to climb out of it, just fitting through. It was too late for Farrah, as when it was her turn, the rhino-beast was standing at the door. “OI! WHERE IS URSULA?” it demanded.

“I don’t know…who’s Ursula?” Farrah asked, looking for a way to distract it so she could escape. She then noticed that Ursula slipped a rheon carbine gun into her back pocket, and quickly grabbed it while she made a silly attempt to explain herself. Not wanting to kill the rhinoceros-like alien, she fired it at the gun instead, disabling it.

“You DARE disable my weaponry? I’ll kill you, you daft bint!” it announced, turning back for reinforcements. Farrah took this opportunity to climb out the window herself, and ran to Ursula.

“Are you alright?” Ursula asked quietly.

“Yeah, but he’s out to get me now too.”

Still holding the rheon carbine, Farrah followed Ursula around the corner to another window.

“The safest way to get to my car is to go through the fire stairs. The Judoon are so law abiding that they will not think of using them unless there was an actual fire.”

“And where would they be?”

“Just around the corner.” They continued on, ducking to avoid being seen through the next window. Unfortunately, one Judoon had noticed the open window, and was now chasing Farrah and Ursula. “HEY YOU! SURRENDER AT ONCE!” it demanded.

“No!” Farrah answered, and fired her rheon carbine at its gun, while Ursula did the same, frying its weapon beyond all repair. The rhino-beast alien called the others, which gave them just enough time to reach the fire exit.

“It’s locked!” Farrah said as she tried to open it.

“Okay, then stand back for me”, Ursula told her, aiming her weapon at the lock and then blasting it out of a job. They pushed the door open, and raced down the stair to the underground carpark, which was teleported along with the rest of the clinic/hospital. Ursula instantly remembered where she left her car, which she unlocked with her voice. “Ich bin Dr Ursula Jacobs”, she said, successfully opening the door to the driver’s seat. Farrah climbed in too, and then Ursula started the engine. “We must get them to notice us, or else they will search the clinic until the air runs out!” she explained, driving the car out to the front door. She then beeped the horn to get the Judoon’s attention, and Farrah turned her window down to scream “HEY YOU!”, knowing that the car’s shield would still protect her.

“They’re escaping!” warned one Judoon, and then the others began to chase the two, firing their weapons in an unsuccessful attempt to kill them. They left the air bubble behind as they started to take off into space, stopping to taunt the Judoon by circling their ship so they would definitely get followed. As was hoped, the Judoon started to chase them.

“Have they sent Alpenpark back to Earth?” Ursula asked, as she was dodging an assault of plasma cannons.

“Yeah, I saw them do that rain thing and now it’s gone again”, Farrah answered.

Das ist gut.” Ursula smiled, and turned on the invisibility-capable shield, because she wanted to go back to Earth to make sure that her former colleagues and workplace were alright, so there was no use in teleporting through the time vortex. The plasma cannons stopped firing, as the less-than-intelligent Judoon lost sight of them and got confused in a way only they could, leaving Ursula and Farrah safe to travel back to Germany.

22: Not Exactly Superheroes

“You know what she’s thrown at me during her judgy mood swings?” Holly asked Shakira, as they were waiting for Strawberry to get ready to go out.
“No…what exactly?” Shakira adjusted her headscarf, which she decided to wear in a more fitted style for today.
“An empty can of tuna, a lit joint, an apple core and a cat.” Holly sighed. Normally, when an ex-Domes/New Washington woman got pregnant, she would have the baby transferred to one of the incubator jars in the crèches at about 4 months, but Jessica 6 and several friends decided to give birth to and raise their children themselves. Holly was a target for their bitchings, because until 3 days ago she was 18 weeks pregnant with twins and had them transferred.
“Why would she do that? You were pregnant too.”
“I’m different and that’s bad. She doesn’t understand that for me, motherhood isn’t freedom because I value my independence like you…and if being a mother is freedom then I don’t want her freedom.”
Shakira smiled a little. “Now you know a little of what it is to be judged for wearing hijab. Jessica judges me too, for both this and my choice to not have children”, she said, touching her scarf.
Their conversation was interrupted by Strawberry bursting into the room. “AAAAAAAAHH! I was just checking my email and someone told me that there is a dirty video of me on SpaceTube!”
“Strawberry this is why I told you-“
“No Shakira. This was one of me and Elvis; I don’t film myself having sex and neither does he!” She half-jumped onto the couch, a little like a rag doll. “I remember that day, it was the day I met Farrah, then Elvis found me…” she trailed off. “The channel belongs to some people who call themselves the Medikidz.”**
Shakira was shocked. “The Medikidz? I know them, they’re a group of 5 ‘superheroes’ from some physics-defying planet who cannot comprehend anything outside of conventional medicine, but they still give medical advice to kids! And then there’s the stalking and property damage!”
Elvis then entered the room. “Wait you know these people? And they do this all the time?”
“Unfortunately yes”, Shakira said. “I also know where to find them if you want to confront them about their behaviour.”
“Sure! They have dozens of stalking videos and it’s time they stopped!”
“I wanna be known again for my music, not for having sex with an old friend!” Elvis added.
“Well step into my TARDIS and we can end this nonsense” Shakira replied, getting up.
Once they were standing at her TARDIS console, she entered the co-ordinates and explained, “They live on a planet that resembles a human body, but this is in a galaxy where the laws of nature do not always apply so for them this is normal.” As soon as they took off, the TARDIS walls began to shake.
“Ow!” Strawberry said as she fell to the floor, unable to hold onto anything due to her lack of arms.
“That would be the lightning. I always have trouble going to this galaxy” Shakira sighed.
They landed somewhere in the non-sentient human body’s brain, just outside their ‘enemies’ headquarters. Strawberry then walked up to the front door, and knocked it with one foot. “Hello? Helloooooo?” There was no answer. “Maybe they’re not home.”
Holly paused. “Wait, I can hear something…it sounds like some guys with big egos!” She led them to the source, which wasn’t very far, actually in a nearby sinus cavity.
“Salaam aleikum, where are the Medikidz?” Shakira asked. The only…’people’ around were some squishy looking aliens in uniform. These pointed down to four left over zip lines that seemed to lead to wherever these so-called superheroes were.
“We have to go down those?” Strawberry sighed, as her lack of arms was currently bothering her.
“Baby what about that thing you did with the stripper’s pole? You locked your feet together to slide down it” suggested Elvis, enjoying this memory.
“Sure if I don’t mind going head first…oh fine” she said, and continued, “if I land on my head Shakira can have me healed in three days!” then stuck her tongue out.
“Okay, let us see where this goes” mumbled Shakira, and then grabbed the coat-hanger-ish thing attached to one of the lines. Holly was next, for although she was a little timid, Shakira did make her feel safe; then it was Elvis’ turn, and finally, Strawberry’s, after she fit her legs through the hanger-thing and held on tight as gravity did its work. It seemed that everyone could hear the loud “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” coming from the four; Strawberry was screaming the loudest. They fell/glided around the midbrain and into the spinal column, zipping down the body’s neck, and after this they slowed down as they ended their trip in one of the arms. “Ow!” Shakira exclaimed as she let go and fell to the ground (it appeared to be a bone), then Holly faceplanted on the ground/bone, and so did Elvis. Strawberry horizontally faceplanted onto the side of a muscle and was pushed back a little. “Hey can I have some help here?” she asked, so then Shakira and Elvis picked her up and let her get back on her feet.
Holly got up, walked over and rested her head on Shakira. “So…we’re in a giant arm?”
Shakira scanned their surroundings with her sonic screwdriver. “Yes we are, and this defies the laws of nature as I know them.”
“Hey there’s a sign…it says ‘this way to bone marrow’ and it’s pointing to those stairs!” Elvis said.
“I assume they’ve gone down there”, replied Shakira as she headed over to the stairs. “I think the ground is vibrating, they are probably doing something silly.” The others followed her, as she seemed to know these people and their antics quite well.
“Oh COME ON!” Shakira yelled once they were inside the bone marrow. The Medikidz, an assortment of freaks and some human kid were singing – something to do with leukaemia.
“And they do this, all the time?” Strawberry asked flatly.
“It has been known. They are idiots after all.”
“Why is that something to sing about?” Holly asked.
“They have their own brand of education. That is all I can say about it.”
Strawberry rolled her eyes. “Hey listen! Why are you using chemo when you have cannabis oil, you have nutritional therapies which go great with the oil, and what about antineoplastons? Burzynski is a sweetie pie and a genius!”
The freak-things and Medikidz weren’t having any of it. They answered with:
#“No, no, no, noooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
It is better by far
To keep things as they are
Don’t mess with the flow, no, no
Stick to the status quo”#
“Hey! We don’t see cancer as often as, say, Earth, but this IS what we know and losing patients more often than once a decade makes you a bad doctor by our standards!” Shakira added, getting pissed off by the weirdos that inhabit Mediland. Said weirdos responded with a “Stick to the status- Stick to the status- Stick to the status quo!” and an assault of pies to all four of their faces.
“What the hell is your problem?” Elvis demanded to know. He was usually patient, but who could maintain that around people like this?
“We’re the Medikidz!” the offending ‘superheroes’ announced.
“I KNOW!” Strawberry interrupted them before they could start their corny introduction. “You filmed me and Elvis having sex in my car and put it on SpaceTube!” she explained. Holly scowled at them while eating the residual pie still on her face.
“Hey you’re the hot bum doctor in one of our videos!” the stupid fat one said.
“Bum doctor? Does anyone ever punch you for saying that? The word is ‘proctologist’” Strawberry corrected him. “You’re gonna take that video of me and Elvis down, or, umm, or we’re gonna get all the police who’ve tried to arrest you for vandalising stuff and bring them here!”
“The TARDIS is bigger on the inside so yes we can do that!” Shakira threatened. “And I have done it before!”
“Alright if you promise not to come back here, we’ll delete it”, the stupid blonde one said.
“Only if we see you deleting it”, Strawberry added, and Elvis agreed.
“Okay, deal then.”
They all went back to their headquarters, where Strawberry and Elvis watched them delete the video off of both their SpaceTube account and their computer. After this, they parted ways, as the Medikidz went back to their shenanigans and the four went back to Shakira’s TARDIS, to do something a bit more sane then the brainfuck that their day so far had been.

(**A/N: a fucking weird comic series where the MK’s get away with everything stupid they do and ignore alternative medicine. I had to make fun of them)

21: E Is For

“Hey Shakira, can we go back to Earth this afternoon? To my timeline?” Farrah asked. Shakira had the afternoon off, well, once she rescued Farrah from a mild but inconvenient healing reaction, and so did Farrah.
“Okay…why do you want to go home?” She re-secured one of the hair pins that were keeping her enormous pink scarf wrapped around her head.
“I want to sneak into the head of the hospital’s office to do some investigating, because I want to know exactly what their plans are”, answered Farrah, partly because she had been quite shaken by the false allegations that she was dying and planning her own funeral.
“So do I, actually. Wouldn’t the truth about your life sell better? A false positive diagnosis that was made to protect the corporations is much more interesting than someone dying.”
“Even when you take out all the space and time travel and aliens!” Farrah agreed. She ran to get her camera, and once she returned, put it in her handbag.
“You are not going to film all of this are you?” asked Shakira as she unlocked her TARDIS.
“No, just put any pictures I take online.” This was a safe thing to do now, since Farrah was living with Ursula on the almost exactly Earth-like Kos III. Shakira opened the door so that Farrah could enter, and then closed the door once she had followed her.
“Alright your timeline is the 1st of June, 2009, location…Los Angeles…” Shakira trailed off, finishing the co-ordinates. She let her TARDIS fly on its own, but once they were almost there she took control to land it perfectly in the corner of the head’s office. “And we are here!” she announced.
“Are you gonna turn it off again?” Farrah asked.
“I think that would be the safest option”, she said, “and you don’t mind me speaking in sign language?”
“No, actually you’re really loud so I was gonna ask if we could just use sign language here.”
Shakira laughed. “I get that all the time”, she agreed, as she switched off her TARDIS and decided to keep her hearing aids on for safety purposes, as well as not locking her TARDIS in order to save time if they got caught.
Farrah was the first of the two to step into the head’s office, looking around and taking in everything. It was on the top floor, and had a massive window that almost took up the entire wall. There was a big, fancy desk near the window, and a near-matching bookcase up against another wall; both of these were the same colour of wood that Shakira’s TARDIS appeared to be. Farrah paused to enjoy the view before going straight for the desk drawers. Shakira guarded the door. After what seemed like forever, Farrah walked over to Shakira, and signed, “I found nothing in his desk, but I found this key for the filing cabinets…Can you look in the bookcase for anything he could be hiding in there?”
“Yes, I can use my sonic screwdriver to warn us about anyone who’s coming.”
It turned out that Shakira did not need to scour the bookcase for any documents detailing dastardly plans, for Farrah let out a tiny gasp after five minutes of searching.
“Shakira look! I was going through E, I don’t know, I was just thinking ‘E for Evil Plans’, and then I found this!” Shakira’s star patient/dear friend was holding up a thin cream folder, with a paperclip securing its contents.
“What does it say?” she signed back. The noises coming from the sonic screwdriver suddenly changed to something more urgent sounding. “Someone is coming! We can read them in the TARDIS!” she sign-yelled, and then the two ran a few steps back into the TARDIS.
Shakira locked the door from the inside. “I am taking us back to your house”, she spoke, as the head of the hospital scratched his head and exclaimed, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CLOSET DOING HERE?” He had another surprise, as the ‘closet’ dematerialised in front of him on its way back to somewhere safer. “FUCKING HELL! Cocaine is NOT in my plans again for tonight!”
“Now, tell me what you found”, Shakira requested as they were still in flight. Farrah removed some of the pages and placed them on the console for them to read.
“They’re going to reduce the world’s population by 90%, by poisoning everyone.”
“You mean eugenics? Like the Nazis?”
“Yeah, the strongest 10% survive to start a Master Race. They’re not like Nazis Shakira, they ARE Nazis!” Farrah explained as she pointed to a swastika in the corner of the page.