My experiences on various natural health sites and Facebook.
“You know what she’s thrown at me during her judgy mood swings?” Holly asked Shakira, as they were waiting for Strawberry to get ready to go out.
“No…what exactly?” Shakira adjusted her headscarf, which she decided to wear in a more fitted style for today.
“An empty can of tuna, a lit joint, an apple core and a cat.” Holly sighed. Normally, when an ex-Domes/New Washington woman got pregnant, she would have the baby transferred to one of the incubator jars in the crèches at about 4 months, but Jessica 6 and several friends decided to give birth to and raise their children themselves. Holly was a target for their bitchings, because until 3 days ago she was 18 weeks pregnant with twins and had them transferred.
“Why would she do that? You were pregnant too.”
“I’m different and that’s bad. She doesn’t understand that for me, motherhood isn’t freedom because I value my independence like you…and if being a mother is freedom then I don’t want her freedom.”
Shakira smiled a little. “Now you know a little of what it is to be judged for wearing hijab. Jessica judges me too, for both this and my choice to not have children”, she said, touching her scarf.
Their conversation was interrupted by Strawberry bursting into the room. “AAAAAAAAHH! I was just checking my email and someone told me that there is a dirty video of me on SpaceTube!”
“Strawberry this is why I told you-“
“No Shakira. This was one of me and Elvis; I don’t film myself having sex and neither does he!” She half-jumped onto the couch, a little like a rag doll. “I remember that day, it was the day I met Farrah, then Elvis found me…” she trailed off. “The channel belongs to some people who call themselves the Medikidz.”**
Shakira was shocked. “The Medikidz? I know them, they’re a group of 5 ‘superheroes’ from some physics-defying planet who cannot comprehend anything outside of conventional medicine, but they still give medical advice to kids! And then there’s the stalking and property damage!”
Elvis then entered the room. “Wait you know these people? And they do this all the time?”
“Unfortunately yes”, Shakira said. “I also know where to find them if you want to confront them about their behaviour.”
“Sure! They have dozens of stalking videos and it’s time they stopped!”
“I wanna be known again for my music, not for having sex with an old friend!” Elvis added.
“Well step into my TARDIS and we can end this nonsense” Shakira replied, getting up.
Once they were standing at her TARDIS console, she entered the co-ordinates and explained, “They live on a planet that resembles a human body, but this is in a galaxy where the laws of nature do not always apply so for them this is normal.” As soon as they took off, the TARDIS walls began to shake.
“Ow!” Strawberry said as she fell to the floor, unable to hold onto anything due to her lack of arms.
“That would be the lightning. I always have trouble going to this galaxy” Shakira sighed.
They landed somewhere in the non-sentient human body’s brain, just outside their ‘enemies’ headquarters. Strawberry then walked up to the front door, and knocked it with one foot. “Hello? Helloooooo?” There was no answer. “Maybe they’re not home.”
Holly paused. “Wait, I can hear something…it sounds like some guys with big egos!” She led them to the source, which wasn’t very far, actually in a nearby sinus cavity.
“Salaam aleikum, where are the Medikidz?” Shakira asked. The only…’people’ around were some squishy looking aliens in uniform. These pointed down to four left over zip lines that seemed to lead to wherever these so-called superheroes were.
“We have to go down those?” Strawberry sighed, as her lack of arms was currently bothering her.
“Baby what about that thing you did with the stripper’s pole? You locked your feet together to slide down it” suggested Elvis, enjoying this memory.
“Sure if I don’t mind going head first…oh fine” she said, and continued, “if I land on my head Shakira can have me healed in three days!” then stuck her tongue out.
“Okay, let us see where this goes” mumbled Shakira, and then grabbed the coat-hanger-ish thing attached to one of the lines. Holly was next, for although she was a little timid, Shakira did make her feel safe; then it was Elvis’ turn, and finally, Strawberry’s, after she fit her legs through the hanger-thing and held on tight as gravity did its work. It seemed that everyone could hear the loud “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!” coming from the four; Strawberry was screaming the loudest. They fell/glided around the midbrain and into the spinal column, zipping down the body’s neck, and after this they slowed down as they ended their trip in one of the arms. “Ow!” Shakira exclaimed as she let go and fell to the ground (it appeared to be a bone), then Holly faceplanted on the ground/bone, and so did Elvis. Strawberry horizontally faceplanted onto the side of a muscle and was pushed back a little. “Hey can I have some help here?” she asked, so then Shakira and Elvis picked her up and let her get back on her feet.
Holly got up, walked over and rested her head on Shakira. “So…we’re in a giant arm?”
Shakira scanned their surroundings with her sonic screwdriver. “Yes we are, and this defies the laws of nature as I know them.”
“Hey there’s a sign…it says ‘this way to bone marrow’ and it’s pointing to those stairs!” Elvis said.
“I assume they’ve gone down there”, replied Shakira as she headed over to the stairs. “I think the ground is vibrating, they are probably doing something silly.” The others followed her, as she seemed to know these people and their antics quite well.
“Oh COME ON!” Shakira yelled once they were inside the bone marrow. The Medikidz, an assortment of freaks and some human kid were singing – something to do with leukaemia.
“And they do this, all the time?” Strawberry asked flatly.
“It has been known. They are idiots after all.”
“Why is that something to sing about?” Holly asked.
“They have their own brand of education. That is all I can say about it.”
Strawberry rolled her eyes. “Hey listen! Why are you using chemo when you have cannabis oil, you have nutritional therapies which go great with the oil, and what about antineoplastons? Burzynski is a sweetie pie and a genius!”
The freak-things and Medikidz weren’t having any of it. They answered with:
#“No, no, no, noooooooooo
No, no, no
Stick to the stuff you know
It is better by far
To keep things as they are
Don’t mess with the flow, no, no
Stick to the status quo”#
“Hey! We don’t see cancer as often as, say, Earth, but this IS what we know and losing patients more often than once a decade makes you a bad doctor by our standards!” Shakira added, getting pissed off by the weirdos that inhabit Mediland. Said weirdos responded with a “Stick to the status- Stick to the status- Stick to the status quo!” and an assault of pies to all four of their faces.
“What the hell is your problem?” Elvis demanded to know. He was usually patient, but who could maintain that around people like this?
“We’re the Medikidz!” the offending ‘superheroes’ announced.
“I KNOW!” Strawberry interrupted them before they could start their corny introduction. “You filmed me and Elvis having sex in my car and put it on SpaceTube!” she explained. Holly scowled at them while eating the residual pie still on her face.
“Hey you’re the hot bum doctor in one of our videos!” the stupid fat one said.
“Bum doctor? Does anyone ever punch you for saying that? The word is ‘proctologist’” Strawberry corrected him. “You’re gonna take that video of me and Elvis down, or, umm, or we’re gonna get all the police who’ve tried to arrest you for vandalising stuff and bring them here!”
“The TARDIS is bigger on the inside so yes we can do that!” Shakira threatened. “And I have done it before!”
“Alright if you promise not to come back here, we’ll delete it”, the stupid blonde one said.
“Only if we see you deleting it”, Strawberry added, and Elvis agreed.
“Okay, deal then.”
They all went back to their headquarters, where Strawberry and Elvis watched them delete the video off of both their SpaceTube account and their computer. After this, they parted ways, as the Medikidz went back to their shenanigans and the four went back to Shakira’s TARDIS, to do something a bit more sane then the brainfuck that their day so far had been.
(**A/N: a fucking weird comic series where the MK’s get away with everything stupid they do and ignore alternative medicine. I had to make fun of them)