20: Meddling Parents

“Farrah! Farrah!” Dex yelled while running upstairs. He then stupidly shifted his glasses so they were on top of his head, and as expected tripped over one of Farrah’s shoes. “Ow! My face!”
Farrah giggled. “What is it Dex?”
He stood right back up again, apparently not bothered by falling over. Well, it’s not like Dex isn’t used to falling over anyway. “You remember that song I played for you after I fixed your facelift? You know, when I was on my break and wanted to both visit your room and play my guitar but couldn’t decide? I played it for Elvis and he wants me to join him on stage!”
“Dex that’s wonderful!” she said, and hugged him. Shakira and Ursula were taking care of Farrah that day, restoring her immunity and other things against somebody’s odds, when they decided to have some fun with her SpaceTube/YouTube account. This led to all of Farrah’s doctors, except Lawrence, who was spending time with his mother, coming over to Ursula’s house and filming themselves/Farrah filming them performing ‘dramatic readings’ of various pro-Big Pharma blog posts. A couple of hours later, there was a new video online consisting of five people taking turns acting like retards.
Their evening of being themselves in front of a camera was then interrupted by Shakira’s phone ringing, as Lawrence was calling. “Salaam aleikum?”
“Hey Shakira!”
“How is your mother?” she asked, knowing that she should care about her future in-laws.
“Great….but there’s one problem….your parents are here!” he said, looking over his shoulder at the pair of stalkers future parents-in-law.
“LAWRENCE HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE?” Shakira yelled. Morality seemed to come second to their child getting married, and since she didn’t live with them, their lack of nagging power or whatever meant that they had to get ‘creative’.
“Your mother said she searched my name to find out where I work, and then both of them followed me home.” In this situation, ‘creative’ means ‘stalking… and possible hostage’.
“I cannot believe this…why did they follow you?”
“Something about how we apparently have to get married right now”, he sighed.
“They want grandchildren from me, and a Theran woman’s eggs run out once she turns 100….but don’t worry, we don’t go through menopause, there are no changing for you to worry about.” Shakira set her TARDIS translator to Spanish, so she could use Pashtun to talk privately, but her Spanish grammar was not always perfect.
“That’s right, you’re 99”, he remembered. “And because of all the death threats against me for not turning Farrah in but instead helping her threaten the drug company’s power.”
“We are not leaving until you agree to marry him!” Shakira’s father yelled in the hope she could hear it, which she did.
“Okay Lawrence I am coming over to try to reason with them, so bye for now”, she said, hanging up once he responded. “Everyone I have to go and attempt to reason with my crazy parents.”
“Oh I know what that is like! Good luck Shakira!” Ursula called out.
“Good luck!” Farrah added.
“Thankyou!” Shakira said as she stepped into her TARDIS, which disappeared along with her in a few seconds.
Shakira and her TARDIS materialised into the living room of Lawrence’s house, a spacious, open-plan place with big windows. She opened the doors, then locked them, only to be greeted by Lawrence, his mother and her own parents.
“Salaam aleikum…..mother, father, what are you doing here?” she asked.
“We are here because you must marry this man now!” her mother demanded.
“Why? We haven’t been seeing each other for long and you know I would wait until marriage!”
“Because his life is in danger and it is your duty to protect him! Also we want grandchildren from you!” Her mother spoke the first sentence, but both said the second.
“I told you dozens of times that I do not want children and you already have them!” Shakira reminded them.
“And my life isn’t in danger as much as you think; no one’s tried to kill me when I’m working there on my-“Lawrence was interrupted as someone fired a machine gun into his house, shattering a window. “Own. There was only hitmen once…aaaand now they’ve come for me. Shakira don’t you think maybe they have a point?”
Her eyes still hadn’t recovered from almost jumping out of her head. “Ithinktheymight.”
“I don’t want my baby to be murdered! You marry him now so he can move in with you!” his tiny mother ordered, hugging him tight.
Shakira’s parents grinned smugly. “Now you see our point?”
“Alright then I will marry him! But weddings are expensive!”
“We learnt that in America there are places that will marry people at a moment’s notice and it is quite cheap”, her father stated. “There is no excuse.”
“But what will I wear?” Shakira asked.
“My wedding dress”, her mother added, and continued, “Lawrence seems to own many suits so he can wear one of those. You two can have a proper wedding in the future but now we must get this over with so he can be safe with you.”
“Where is it then?” Shakira asked, wanting to get it over with too.
“In our TARDIS…Lawrence and Mrs Piro, let us go now, and please tell us how to get to Utah!” her mother demanded.

“Strawberry! Look at this!” Farrah sat at her computer, connected to Earth’s internet of four years in the past.
“What is it?” the ginger asked, throwing herself onto the couch like a ragdoll.
“The tabloids are saying I’m in hospital again and that I’m dying! They’re saying nothing about my videos or how I saved Earth!”
“Wow…it’s like they don’t want anyone to know the truth…” Strawberry said, confused at Earth’s strange customs of government/corporate censorship.
“The view counts on my videos are slowly climbing, and it’s only the conspiracy theorists that listen to me”, Farrah sighed. She still wasn’t giving up, no, she would never consider that. She looked at another article’s title. “I’M PLANNING MY FUNERAL? HOW DO THEY GET AWAY WITH THIS?”
Strawberry shook her head. “I have no idea.”
“What is going on?” Thomas asked curiously, his head sticking out from around the corner.
“Your news is stupid” stated Strawberry.
“That I know”, he agreed. Once he saw what Farrah was talking about, he added, “These people disgust me! I don’t want to know how low the pharmaceutical companies will go to stop you!”
Dr Vogl was about to find out. As he skimmed the article, Shakira’s TARDIS materialised in a corner of the room, the ‘new’ Victorian closet not looking out of place.
“Salaam aleikum everyone”, she announced, with Lawrence following her. “We just got married so Lawrence can live with me and be safe from hitmen.”
Dr Vogl spun around. “What?”

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19: Invasion

“How many views does it have now?” Kate asked, as she and Farrah were on her roof. Lawrence was there too, looking through his telescope at the stars.
“My channel has thousands of views from outer space 4 years from now, but only a few dozen from here and now on Earth”, Farrah answered. Earlier that week, Ursula had shown her how to transmit her videos through time and space, from her galaxy’s internet in 2013 to Earth’s internet in 2009. That way, no one could delete her uploads or suspend her account again. Most comments were in support of her, but one was a flat “INFORMATION_RECEIVED” from an unverified date and by a strange group of metal men…

Meanwhile, the metal men just mentioned were floating on a massive ship through space, having originated from the planet Mondas.
“INFORMATION DOWNLOADED HAS CONFIRMED MATURITY OF CHEMICAL WEAPON KNOWN ON EARTH AS CHEMOTHERAPY, PURPOSE: TO IMPROVE COMPLIANCY RATE OF UPGRADES…TO DELETE INFERIOR AND NON-COMPLIANT LIFEFORMS…” one said, in its robotic voice. Years earlier, in the 1940s, the metal men known as Cybermen had planted a shipment of mustard gas where the German army would find it, and then planted the idea of creating a dangerous ‘medicine’ from it into the mind of a Nazi scientist. Thus chemo was invented, less than 10% effective at saving lives but incredibly dangerous and exactly what the Cybermen wanted to fulfill their plans.
“MATURITY CONFIRMED BY: OBVIOUS DAMAGE TO FEMALE, FEMALE’S DESCRIPTION OF CHEMICAL WEAPON” the first one continued.
Another added: “OTHER INFORMATION SUGGESTS FEMALE IS AN IMMORTAL BEING KNOWN AS AN ANGEL”, taking the name given to Farrah for her beauty and sweetness way too seriously. “COMMENCE PREPARATION FOR THE OBTAINING OF THE NOW MATURED CHEMICAL WEAPON AND THE UPGRADING OF THIS WORLD KNOWN AS PLANET EARTH!” it said, completely emotionless. The first one then left, to prepare the weapons and get all the other Cybermen into combat mode. A Cybermen never invaded a planet alone, no, there were thousands of them travelling aboard the ship that was approaching Earth.

“Hey Farrah, what do you know about spaceships? I can see one, and it’s coming closer, I think”, Lawrence asked while peering through his telescope.
“Really?” she replied, and got up to check out this apparent UFO. A few seconds after she found the ship, she jumped back. “Shakira told me about those! That’s a Cybership and they’re always full of Cybermen!”
“Uhh…what’s a Cyberman?”
“They’re basically robots with human nervous systems who want everyone else either killed or converted into one of them”, Farrah explained. She sent a message out to Shakira, Strawberry and Ursula on her now modified phone. Shakira was spending some time with about two dozen relatives, and Strawberry was delivering a baby, so only Ursula was available and able to hear her phone going off. A few minutes later, something that appeared to be a blue Chevrolet but was actually a ship capable of travelling through time and space landed safely on the roof, then Ursula stepped out of it. “Hello there Farrah, I got your message…how far away are they?”
Lawrence looked through his telescope once more. “They’re closer but not by much. How are you gonna fight these things anyway?”
“I have various Sontaran weapons. My father fought the Cybermen so I know all about them.” She opened the back door of her car. “To destroy the whole ship, we must plant this bomb somewhere inside it, but because it detonates quickly I will keep the trigger. My car has a built-in cannon-“ Kate was shocked by this – “What? I am half Sontaran! And I have a pair of rheon carbines, they are guns which can easily kill any Cyberman.”
Farrah stepped forward. “I guess I’d better get going then.”
“And try not to get killed!” Kate yelled from behind her.
“Good luck!” Lawrence added.
“Thanks…Kate I’m sure I’ll get out alive”, Farrah said, and got into Ursula’s ‘car’. They passed the clouds, then the stratosphere and the outer reaches of Earth’s atmosphere, and eventually reached the cybership, enormous and comparable to two wheels skewered onto half of a bicycle handlebar, but fortunately it was still only a quarter of the way between the Moon and Earth. Ursula slipped them behind the ship, turned to Farrah and said, “I was going to shoot a hole in the ship, but these idiots have automatic doors. They’ll let anything in.”
“Don’t you think that’s a trap? Like maybe there’s gonna be hundreds of them waiting for us?” Farrah asked.
“Then you just throw the bomb out of the car!” Ursula flew the car up close to the automatic doors, which let them in just as expected.
“See? I told you”, she said, and as they landed the car, neither of them found any Cybermen. “You press that button”, she continued, pointing to something on the rheon carbine, which looked like a silver magic wand with a blinking yellow light on the end that it fired from. Taking the bomb and locking the doors, she noticed how absolutely everything on the cybership was silver. No indoor plants to give it a more home-ish feel, or any décor of any kind, just functional silver machinery in a ship more sterile than an operating theatre.
“Hey do you think that’s a good place to plant it?” Farrah asked, putting a stop to Ursula’s observations as she pointed to a metal closet up against a wall.
“Ja I think so too, if it’s locked then the bomb will fit nicely in the corner next to it.” After Farrah nearly going blind, all because of the chemo she had in the past destroying her immune system, Ursula was surprised she could pick out distant objects when everything was not just silver, but the exact same bloody shade of it. Unfortunately, they couldn’t walk three steps without being noticed. “ALL INTRUDERS WILL BE UPGRADED OR DELETED”, threatened one of the three Cybermen, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.
“Oh really…and what is this upgrade you guys like to threaten people with?” replied Farrah, as she made it obvious that she was armed. Just fucking shoot them!! Ursula thought, and hissed: “They remove your body parts and replace them with machinery WITH YOU WATCHING!”
“So my options are either something agonisingly painful or death? That doesn’t scare me, since I’ve already been there!” she yelled, firing the rheon carbine several times. She managed to kill all three of the Cybermen, who fell to the ground dead and making horrible metallic half-choking and half-screaming sounds as they did so. “Okay I’m done, let’s plant this bomb and get out of here”, she continued.
“Good…Sontarans do not tease their enemies; we just storm in and attack.” They ran to the closet in the distance, and when Farrah opened the closet they were intending to hide the bomb in, a shell of a Cyberman fell out and produced a loud crash that reverberated throughout the massive chamber they had landed in.
“Great, that’s really gonna buy us some time!” Farrah said as Ursula hid the bomb in the now empty closet. She closed the doors, then they both raced back to the car. More Cybermen were approaching as they began to fly out of the ship, but they weren’t shot down because, as a Sontaran, Ursula had her car reinforced against weaponry. They slipped out as the poorly-thought out doors opened again for them and Ursula pressed the trigger. “One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten!” she counted while flying at top speed, and just on time the cybership exploded, wiping out all Cybermen. Sure, Ursula could have just teleported them home, but she did want to see the ship get blown up. She then looked over at Farrah, who had just fallen asleep after making her so proud once again, and soon landed to find Lawrence and Kate watching the cybership explosion.