15: Shakira is Not Amused

Shakira sat with her laptop and nothing better to do than waste time. For several reasons, including a pregnancy scare, Jill Munroe had an endometrial ablation that day, so Shakira was just waiting for her to wake up. Saghira offered to help, because she was getting really bored of being a housewife, but had to call her cousin Fawzia, who was going to help her start her career as a beauty therapist. I wonder what this “fanfiction” thing is, Shakira thought, and decided to read some from Farrah’s Earth, where Jill was seen as purely fictional. She found a whole series of Charlie’s Angels stories from some Swedish woman with an unpronounceable username, and started to read from the first instalment. ‘What is this? Jill, pregnant? Oh come on!’ she thought, and chose to review the thing.
“Part of writing well is keeping your characters in character! This, however is not in character! Jill would not get herself pregnant. For years she has come to me for help with avoiding pregnancy. Many times she has told me how much she wants to avoid having a baby! What the hell is your problem? Like me, she is CHILDFREE. If that is not in any published dictionary, look it up on the internet. Like me, she does not want to lose her freedom by having children because of the loss of independence which is NOT ALWAYS temporary! Why would you clip her wings by getting her pregnant? I know her and she would be complaining constantly about not being able to play tennis and all the other things she is always doing, so she would get very annoying very quickly.
PS Your grammar is terrible and yes my TARDIS translator is working perfectly.
She hit ‘post comment’, not caring about whether or not it would stay in English or turn to the Spanish she wrote it in, but whatever, it was a common language on Earth too. Admittedly, the other stories in the series were quite cute and funny, but Jill becoming a mother was too out of character. After reading some poorly-written slashfic about Kelly and Sabrina and searching the meaning of “OTP”, Shakira found another story that seemed interesting. It was called “Divinity”, written by a “glambothefirst”; while it was a long story already, the 9-chapter tale was still incomplete, but the bored doctor was curious. She actually enjoyed the story, and was quite wrapped up in it, until the end of the last chapter…
“What the fuck?” she said out loud. It sounded like Jill had died at the end of chapter 9, and Shakira was not having any of it. Sure it was just a fanfiction, but she was in a bad mood. This was partly because the surgery she had just performed was incredibly tedious on account of how repetitive it was, all it involved was burning off endometrial lining – not just in the uterus where it belongs but in inappropriate/fucked up places outside of it, and partly because her parents were being annoying. They wanted her to marry Lawrence RIGHT NOW instead of in a year or two, because they knew his life was in danger and because they wanted grandchildren from her. Theran women lose their ability to get pregnant once they turn 100, and Shakira is 99 –she does not have to worry about menopause, however, because their ovaries only produce hormones specific to pregnancy – but even though around 1 in 5 infertile Theran women gain the ability to impregnate men, her parents thought this was ‘unnatural’ and wanted children from her *specifically*. Before Shakira landed in Jill’s house, she was with Farrah, as the blonde was meant to have another IV vitamin C infusion since it was the best thing for her decimated immune system. Shakira was going to read to her, as she often did, but her phone rang, and upon answering the call she was met with half an hour of parental harassment. Lawrence was getting harassed by his mother too, but it didn’t make her feel any better about it. Once again, she took out her frustrations on random internet strangers who may or may not even read her bitching.
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KILL OFF JILL????? If that happened to her in real life, I would go back to make sure it never happened in the “real” timeline! I would stop the evil operations of the so-called nurses with Sontaran weaponry (Ursula would let me use some of her father’s) and a one-way ticket to Stormcage or some other jail, then I would meet Jill and Kelly there. Why? Because NO ONE AND NOTHING is allowed to murder Jill or Farrah or any of the other versions of them under MY care. I forbid it!
She hit ‘post comment’ again, and tried to look for another actually good story. Unfortunately, the one she noticed was highly unlikely to be well-written. The description read: ‘LOL im on a conspiracy form n they r sayin that farrah fawcett doesnt have cancer n she has nu doktas nao so i wunted 2 ship dem cuz i seen themon youtube n stuff Lol.’ WHAT IS THIS?, Shakira thought, and clicked on this one out of curiosity. It was horrifying. This is the last one then I am reading good stories only.
I am completely disgusted by whatever this thing is! THIS IS NOT A G RATED STORY! That is the most idiotic plot (what plot is there?) I have ever read! NO I will not perform anatomically impossible sex acts with Dr Vogl and there IS NO WAY that Farrah and Ursula would ever do those things together as they are both straight! I have no problem with female/female pairings but explicit sex involving real people is several varieties of wrong!
This is the worst story I have read here and that is saying something. I hate your grammar, spelling, punctuation (where?) and worst of all the plot of this ‘slashfic’. Become literate but don’t even think about writing fanfiction again!
Just as she had posted her review, she felt Jill’s fingers brush against her arm.
“Where am I?” Shakira could barely hear this, but she read her lips.
“Me and Saghira carried you to your bed…everything went perfectly.” She sat on Jill’s bed and held her, as she was also friends with her, and forgot all about the poorly-skilled writers she had encountered. It didn’t take long for Jill to start acting like herself again, and soon Shakira and Saghira left her with her Police Academy friends, Sabrina and Kelly.

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