16: Risk

“So what are you gonna do now?” asked one of Farrah’s best friends, Kate Jackson, as they were driving through the forest. Farrah stopped sticking her hand out of the car window and turned to her to answer: “I’ve decided to live with Ursula, but I still see Shakira and Strawberry all the time. I don’t know…I would *like* to start acting there but I’m thinking of being an art teacher.”
Kate smiled. “As long as you keep visiting me here.”
“Of course I will! But if I get an acting career going on her world I don’t want to deal with paparazzi again.”
“Just wear a wig when you’re acting so you can have your privacy!” she half-joked. “What’s it like there anyway?”
“Like Earth in the ‘50s but the gender roles are reversed. Strawberry said it’s because the women get the men pregnant there”, Farrah replied, while seriously considering her friend’s suggestion.
“So like the world you grew up in but better?”
“Yeah!” she laughed. The only other problem is that they don’t age, just like on Shakira’s planet…but my doctors know how to stop aging anyway, she thought, and looked down at her arm. The fractures were fully healed but she still had to be careful with it, as the scaffold hadn’t completely broken down yet.
“Hey, an abandoned house!” Kate said, and stopped to look at it. It was an old mansion in the middle of the forest, which seemed to be only recently abandoned.
“Maybe it’s haunted!” Farrah giggled. “You wanna look inside?” The door was open, so there was nothing stopping them.
“Sure! We don’t have anything else planned so I don’t see why not!” Kate answered. They walked through the front yard to the door, past the fence with the “ABANDONED” sign nailed to it and the unkempt-but-not-overly-so garden. If they got into any trouble, Farrah could always call Shakira, or Strawberry or Ursula, who are more likely to arrive *early* to save them than late. The inside of the house looked both Victorian and sterile at the same time, as if it belonged to a scientist who preferred to work from home. There was also a lift.
“Do you trust that thing?” Kate asked and pointed to the aforementioned lift.
“No, it’s probably broken”, Farrah said, and looked behind it to the stairs.
“What do you think happened?”
“I dunno, maybe the owner died and their family sometimes comes back to clean up the house, like it keeps their memories alive or something”, she replied, and shuddered at the thought of what would have happened to her if Shakira hadn’t visited her that night. She remembered how Saghira had to carry her for the vast majority of their walk around Roswell (seven children had given the woman some very strong back muscles), and how she still could only function like a normal person for one or two hours a day. After all, it had only been a month since Shakira had taken her under her care, thus reuniting them.
Previously lost in her thoughts, Farrah found herself at the foot of the stairs. She tested the first one, to find that it was strong enough to support her. “Hey, let’s see what’s upstairs!”
Kate emerged from the living room, which contained a mix of 19th century and 1970’s furniture. “Okay…but are you sure it’s safe?” she answered, and stayed behind Farrah, as she was still unsure about the stair’s structural integrity and wanted her more adventurous friend to test each step for her. “Life is sweetened by risk”, the little blonde often said.
“Of course it is….’fraidy cat….” Farrah teased, then added, “See? We’re alive!” once they had reached the second floor, and then disappeared into the master bedroom. Kate followed her, and they found a huge, 60’s space-age-ish style room, with a circular bed surrounded by curtains and a large, also circular skylight in the centre of the ceiling. Several vases filled with red flowers decorated the room, and the bed copied them in its’ red and pink hues.
“Someone must have been very romantic”, Kate said as she scanned the room.
Farrah picked something up off of a chest of drawers. “Oh…you don’t say!” she replied as she realised that she was holding a sex toy, which she threw across the room, accidentally smashing one of the vases. “I don’t wanna know what that thing’s used for.”
Kate opened the walk-in wardrobe’s doors and stepped inside. “Hey! These are gorgeous!” she told Farrah, as she had found an array of beautiful dresses, ranging from 1930’s style all the way to the ‘80s, with 70’s porn star-style male clothing in a box on the floor, which she ignored. She grabbed several of these dresses to try on.
“How do I look?” she asked Farrah, once she slipped on a ‘40s evening dress.
“Wow! You are gorgeous! What do you think of these?” Farrah asked from behind her, pointing to the red ‘30s style shoes she had taken.
“They’re beautiful!…I wonder if it’s alright for us to keep these…” Kate thought out loud.
“Yeah, the house is abandoned, so the owners are either too dead or too far away to care.”
“Let’s keep them!” Kate decided, and folded up her new dress after she put her clothes back on. Farrah put her old shoes on again, as heels were a bit impractical while walking on stairs of questionable integrity, and together they replaced the other clothes and closed the wardrobe doors.
“You wanna get out of here?” Kate asked as they picked up their new dress/shoes off of the bed.
“Yeah, I’m starting to get tired and I just get the feeling that maybe we’re not supposed to be here.”
“So do I…but I’m sure whoever visits this place to clean it won’t notice what we took.”
“Except for the vase I broke!” Farrah was getting a little nervous.
“I think it’s a good idea to leave now too…come on”, Kate agreed, and put her arm around Farrah as they left the room and descended down the stairs. They ran back to the car and drove off, not knowing that their intuition had just saved them. The house was not abandoned, no, that was a lie…the house was actually occupied by Frank N Furter! He saw Farrah and Kate in the distance as he arrived at his mansion, so he knew who the culprits were when he discovered the broken vase.
“Uh whattaya gonna do boss?” Rocky asked him.
Frank N Furter looked at his slave, and declared: “Force her to pay up…after all, breaking MY vase with one of my personal items is NOT the only thing she’s in trouble for!”

15: Shakira is Not Amused

Shakira sat with her laptop and nothing better to do than waste time. For several reasons, including a pregnancy scare, Jill Munroe had an endometrial ablation that day, so Shakira was just waiting for her to wake up. Saghira offered to help, because she was getting really bored of being a housewife, but had to call her cousin Fawzia, who was going to help her start her career as a beauty therapist. I wonder what this “fanfiction” thing is, Shakira thought, and decided to read some from Farrah’s Earth, where Jill was seen as purely fictional. She found a whole series of Charlie’s Angels stories from some Swedish woman with an unpronounceable username, and started to read from the first instalment. ‘What is this? Jill, pregnant? Oh come on!’ she thought, and chose to review the thing.
“Part of writing well is keeping your characters in character! This, however is not in character! Jill would not get herself pregnant. For years she has come to me for help with avoiding pregnancy. Many times she has told me how much she wants to avoid having a baby! What the hell is your problem? Like me, she is CHILDFREE. If that is not in any published dictionary, look it up on the internet. Like me, she does not want to lose her freedom by having children because of the loss of independence which is NOT ALWAYS temporary! Why would you clip her wings by getting her pregnant? I know her and she would be complaining constantly about not being able to play tennis and all the other things she is always doing, so she would get very annoying very quickly.
PS Your grammar is terrible and yes my TARDIS translator is working perfectly.
She hit ‘post comment’, not caring about whether or not it would stay in English or turn to the Spanish she wrote it in, but whatever, it was a common language on Earth too. Admittedly, the other stories in the series were quite cute and funny, but Jill becoming a mother was too out of character. After reading some poorly-written slashfic about Kelly and Sabrina and searching the meaning of “OTP”, Shakira found another story that seemed interesting. It was called “Divinity”, written by a “glambothefirst”; while it was a long story already, the 9-chapter tale was still incomplete, but the bored doctor was curious. She actually enjoyed the story, and was quite wrapped up in it, until the end of the last chapter…
“What the fuck?” she said out loud. It sounded like Jill had died at the end of chapter 9, and Shakira was not having any of it. Sure it was just a fanfiction, but she was in a bad mood. This was partly because the surgery she had just performed was incredibly tedious on account of how repetitive it was, all it involved was burning off endometrial lining – not just in the uterus where it belongs but in inappropriate/fucked up places outside of it, and partly because her parents were being annoying. They wanted her to marry Lawrence RIGHT NOW instead of in a year or two, because they knew his life was in danger and because they wanted grandchildren from her. Theran women lose their ability to get pregnant once they turn 100, and Shakira is 99 –she does not have to worry about menopause, however, because their ovaries only produce hormones specific to pregnancy – but even though around 1 in 5 infertile Theran women gain the ability to impregnate men, her parents thought this was ‘unnatural’ and wanted children from her *specifically*. Before Shakira landed in Jill’s house, she was with Farrah, as the blonde was meant to have another IV vitamin C infusion since it was the best thing for her decimated immune system. Shakira was going to read to her, as she often did, but her phone rang, and upon answering the call she was met with half an hour of parental harassment. Lawrence was getting harassed by his mother too, but it didn’t make her feel any better about it. Once again, she took out her frustrations on random internet strangers who may or may not even read her bitching.
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KILL OFF JILL????? If that happened to her in real life, I would go back to make sure it never happened in the “real” timeline! I would stop the evil operations of the so-called nurses with Sontaran weaponry (Ursula would let me use some of her father’s) and a one-way ticket to Stormcage or some other jail, then I would meet Jill and Kelly there. Why? Because NO ONE AND NOTHING is allowed to murder Jill or Farrah or any of the other versions of them under MY care. I forbid it!
She hit ‘post comment’ again, and tried to look for another actually good story. Unfortunately, the one she noticed was highly unlikely to be well-written. The description read: ‘LOL im on a conspiracy form n they r sayin that farrah fawcett doesnt have cancer n she has nu doktas nao so i wunted 2 ship dem cuz i seen themon youtube n stuff Lol.’ WHAT IS THIS?, Shakira thought, and clicked on this one out of curiosity. It was horrifying. This is the last one then I am reading good stories only.
I am completely disgusted by whatever this thing is! THIS IS NOT A G RATED STORY! That is the most idiotic plot (what plot is there?) I have ever read! NO I will not perform anatomically impossible sex acts with Dr Vogl and there IS NO WAY that Farrah and Ursula would ever do those things together as they are both straight! I have no problem with female/female pairings but explicit sex involving real people is several varieties of wrong!
This is the worst story I have read here and that is saying something. I hate your grammar, spelling, punctuation (where?) and worst of all the plot of this ‘slashfic’. Become literate but don’t even think about writing fanfiction again!
Just as she had posted her review, she felt Jill’s fingers brush against her arm.
“Where am I?” Shakira could barely hear this, but she read her lips.
“Me and Saghira carried you to your bed…everything went perfectly.” She sat on Jill’s bed and held her, as she was also friends with her, and forgot all about the poorly-skilled writers she had encountered. It didn’t take long for Jill to start acting like herself again, and soon Shakira and Saghira left her with her Police Academy friends, Sabrina and Kelly.