“Hey Strawberry, can I meet Elvis sometime? That would be awesome!” asked Lawrence to his armless friend.
“Sure! He’s working on getting a singing career started on my home planet!” she answered. They were in Los Angeles with Shakira, Dex, Farrah and her friend, Alana, because Shakira and the others had become suspicious. They were suspicious because Farrah had no visible symptoms of liver cancer, and because of the improbability of her cancer having come back worse than ever only a few weeks after being told she didn’t have any, so she was having an MRI. Okay, they are expensive, but Shakira was going to hack into the head of Monsanto’s bank account and steal the bill from them, because their carcinogen-inventing shenanigans meant that they deserved it.
Lawrence put his arm around Farrah. “So how are you?”
“Great!…umm have you heard of infrared therapy? Shakira has an infrared sauna and told me to use it once a week….I did and black stuff came out of my skin and then this morning I noticed a tiny bit of my hair’s grown back.”
“Wow….that’s ahead of schedule”, he said, turning to Shakira, “Shakira, I’m impressed!”
“[…]” Lawrence was surprised. Why is she speaking in Spanish? Farrah translated what he just said, Shakira replied, then she continued, “She says thankyou, and that the reason why she’s speaking Spanish is because she had to turn off her TARDIS, so it can’t translate for her. Shakira doesn’t speak English, because on Thera Spanish is the dominant language.”
“O….kay then.” They’re all so fucking weird! Eventually they reached the hospital, but because the heads of the hospital were out to get Farrah, everyone except Lawrence had to take the fire stairs. As they were walking down the fire stairs, as they kept the MRI machine in the basement, Dex thought: Shakira walks so confidently! She is confident in everything she does, never a submissive doormat like some of the girls who have thrown themselves at me over the years, while Shakira was also thinking: Everything he does, he does it very sensually, he is sexy all the time without being dirty, and never forceful like some men who think they are attractive.
There was only one flight of stairs, so it didn’t take too long. Strawberry whispered: “He says it’s only really ten steps away, so we don’t have much chance of being caught, and if we do it’s an easy escape.” They left the fire stairs and in literally three seconds, met Lawrence again, standing next to the MRI machine. Like the rest of the hospital, this room was also as cold and sterile as fuck. “Did ya miss me?”, he smiled, “Okay Farrah you know how this goes, we’re going into where the computer is and Alana you can stay with her.” Lawrence and the others set up the computer controlling the MRI machine, while Farrah got herself into a hospital gown and Alana wrapped her in a blanket, because she wanted to feel useful and was feeling quite protective. He started the scan, and Alana kept herself sitting as close as she could to her friend. For minutes that seemed like hours, everyone in the other room was silent, neither talking nor thinking, until the images appeared on the computer screen.
“What the hell?” Strawberry yelled.
“Then how did they -?” Lawrence ended the scan, printed the results and left with the others. Farrah could sense just how pissed off they were, and how confused Lawrence was. “You actually….don’t have cancer. Scar tissue, yes, but no cancer.”
“Really?” She was so happy, but at the same time, didn’t know what to think about whoever was responsible for the false positive tests earlier.
“Yes really”, he answered, a smile spreading across his face.
“That’s wonderful!….but….how, and why, did they tell me I was worse than ever?”
“Either it was a mistake, because you’re rich and chemo costs money, or because some people don’t want anyone here going to Germany for treatment.” He paused. “Okay I am pissed!”
“And what about my life, doesn’t it matter to them? When I said I felt like a blonde nothing, I guess that’s right to some people”, she sighed, and put her head on Alana. Alana hugged her and told her: “Don’t say that! You’re my best friend and you mean so much to me, you can’t ever be nothing!”
Dex then translated this for Shakira, as he is also fluent in Spanish. “[…!]” she yelled while wrapping her arms around Farrah, which meant: You are not nothing! You were never nothing and you never will be nothing!
“Yeah!” Dex continued, “I always thought there was something about you, when I have been visiting my recovering patients, you were one of the ones I stayed with longer than the others.”
“I find that inappropriate! Playing favourites crosses boundaries!” Lawrence shouted, then when Dex was about to react, he said: “Just kidding. I’m also guilty of playing favourites, such as with Farrah.”
“I can see something special about you too, don’t ever think you’re nothing because so many people love you, a few jerks in suits don’t matter” Strawberry added. “And I’m sorry that I thought your scar tissue was cancer, I’m just not that familiar with it.” Or the concept of firing high doses of radiation at someone’s rectum. What the fuck were they thinking?
“Awwwwww! Thanks guys!” Farrah smiled, lighting up her face and the entire room. “Let’s get out of here before I get caught, I’ll buy you all lunch if you want.” Everyone agreed to this, and slipped out of the hospital safely, as the head of the hospital, with his hand in the figurative wallets of certain corporations, arrived too late. “DAMMIT WE MISSED THEM AGAIN!” he yelled. “Why is this so important?” his female assistant questioned.
“Because! Learning that her treatment in Germany was successful means that she will lead American patients away from our businesses in America, and even though most of what she did wasn’t too alternative, she now knows about the totally drug-free nutritional options that have an even greater chance of destroying our industry! Do you seriously think that she will accept most people being on chemo, which is less than 10% effective at saving lives, or the fact that the chemical industry releases thousands of carcinogens into the world and gets away with it?”
“No sir”, she answered.
Later, the head received a phone call from Alana, which can only be described as a Texan version of the Elder Swear*, while they were all eating lunch on the roof of Farrah’s house. Farrah happily translated this for Shakira, as she felt that her friend/doctor should hear this exposition of exactly what the head and his mother are.
A/N: 😦 http://www.naturalnews.com/026816_cancer_health_natural.html
http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/images/stories/Publications/994.pdf (about 4.7MB)
*The Elder Swear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbhEyN8hFXM